Absolutely Bananas: Seattle mom blog

In which I take a stand against blogger marketing spam

EVERY SINGLE DAY and usually more than once I get the most ANNOYING emails.  They go something like this:

To: Absolutely Bananas

From: Milly Marketer

Subject: New product to share with your readers!

Dear bananas,

We love Absolutely Bananas and just had to tell you about this great new product that we think you and your readers would be interested in.  It’s called the Pickle Cutter and it’s an innovative way to cut your pickles- either dicing, slicing, or even PEELING.  Exciting, right? You could probably use it for bananas too.  LOL.

Anyhow, here is a link that you can use when you post about our product: http://worldsbestpicklecutter.com. Also I have included this jazzy graphic that you can use in your post.

Please let me know when you post about the Pickle Cutter!

Sincerely,

Milly Marketer

Sure the product varies… sometimes a movie, or a book, or a website, or a pair of underwear… but the basic concept never changes.  I as a blogger have NOTHING better to do than post about boring products. And you, as readers, have NOTHING better to do than read infomercials posing as blog posts.

GIVE US JUST A VERY SMALL BREAK HERE!

I am sick of these emails.  I never asked for them and they aren’t relevant to me and they are basically SPAM! I am offended on my behalf AND on your behalf.

Which is why I’ve drafted this excellent reply.  Feel free to steal it and make it your own.  Together we can FIGHT blogger marketing spam.

To: Milly Marketer

From: Absolutely Bananas

Re: New blog to share with your friends and family!

Dear Milly,

I am a huge fan of the Pickle Cutter.  Which is why I am emailing you about this great new blog that I’m sure you will want to share with your friends, neighbors, coworkers and family members. Absolutely Bananas is this super-duper awesome blog that’s funny and witty and really, really great.  It’s about parenting, which may not be at all relevant to you or anyone you know but come on, who really cares about relevance?  

Here’s a link you can use when you forward my blog to everyone you know: www.absolutelybananas.com.

And here’s a picture you can include in the email.  Isn’t it cute?  

I’m also thinking an Absolutely Bananas logo emblazoned across the Pickle Cutter box might be a great tie-in.  (Paid for by you, of course)

Please let me know when you’ve finished providing me with this free and time-consuming marketing for my blog.

Sincerely,

Bananas

P.S. Did you really think I was that stupid?  

Some very important moral and social issues brought to you by WALL-E

On Thursday, Jay had the day off work so we took CJ to see WALL-E, the latest in Pixar’s line of movies-for-adults-disguised-as-movies-for-kids.

It was really cute, the movie.  My favorite part is how the little robot says “WALL-E” in this really adorable robotic way.  I walk around the house trying to imitate it and Jay says THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE HIM AT ALL and I say YES IT DOES and he says NO IT DOESN’T and that’s pretty much our Friday night.

Oddly enough CJ’s imitation of WALL-E is spot-on.

Which goes to show that some things in life are totally no fair.

I liked WALL-E, although I found it to be a little more dry than Finding Nemo, not quite as FUN as Toy Story, and lacking the great food and Frenchiness of Ratatouille.

The thing about WALL-E is that it highlights all these important MORAL and SOCIAL ISSUES.  Upon leaving the theater I promptly fall to my knees and make a solemn vow to Mother Earth that I will start composting this very minute and never shop at Target again.  I will only buy USED and RECYCLED goods and I will BAKE MY OWN BREAD and I will never buy another car as long as I live. In fact I’ll swear off driving altogether and ride a little really old and rusted bicycle everywhere I go.

(and IF I accidentally shop at Target I will TOTALLY feel bad about it).

Seriously though, it’s good to go to movies that highlight IMPORTANT ISSUES because it teaches the children lessons.

For example now CJ knows that when the world begins to be overrun with garbage (as it inevitably will) then it’s probably best not to leave the clean-up to little robots that look like they were made in the 80’s because even though they’re totally cute, robots that are made in the 80’s only know how to make the garbage into weird box shapes and then make those box-shaped-garbage-thingies into buildings and you and I BOTH know that we don’t really want a bunch of garbage buildings because WHAT PROBLEM is that solving? 

Another important lesson that CJ (and I) learned from watching WALL-E is that robots have feelings too and everyone just wants to hold someone’s hand and COCKROACHES are TOTALLY CUTE and good friends if the world is overrun by garbage because robots can run over them and they’ll still be able to survive.

Also technology is bad (but don’t we ALREADY KNOW that?) and some robots are evil while others are good and outer-space travel can lead to bone loss and obesity (just so you know). 

In short I found this movie to be:

• Totally cute
• Totally worthwhile
• Not quite as good as Toy Story and Finding Nemo.  But almost.

P.S. I don’t mean to mock the IMPORTANT MORAL ISSUES because really what would we do without HOLLYWOOD to inspire our cumulative consciousness to action?  I mean I’m sure the fine people at Pixar didn’t use evil technology or create ANY GARBAGE WHATSOEVER when they made this movie. 

P.S.S. Really I’m not mocking the fine and noble concepts upon which this movie is based.

P.S.S.S. Ok, so I am.  Just a little.

P.S.S.S.S. But it’s mocking in a fond and admiring way. Sort of like a genial aunt. 

P.S.S.S.S.S. Anyhow I’m not the only one who thought so.  See!

P.S.S.S.S.S.S. Seriously.  Enough with the P.S.s.

She listens but doesn’t hear me at all

One of the many excellent features of The Awesome Minivan is that it has cutting-edge voice recognition command capabilities.

(minivans are so high-tech)

In theory, it works like this.

The driver pushes a button and states a command.

“XM radio on.”

As if by magic, the XM radio turns on.

When I learned about this feature, I was really excited. My minivan is on-par with Knight Rider. A talking car? How cool is that?

Only, as is too often the case with these types of new-fangled devices, the voice recognition is a little, shall we say, glitchy.

I say, “XM radio on,”

And the robot in the dashboard responds with a very confident, “High beams on!” and turns on my headlights to full brightness.

I look at Jay. “Seriously? That doesn’t sound at all like what I said!”

He shrugs.

I try again. “XM RADIO ON!” I shout.

(shouting works for people who don’t speak English, so it must work for car robots. Right?!)

“Passenger mirror defog!” responds my ever-so-helpful but rather misguided robot friend, and the mirror starts to heat up.

“NOOOOO!!!!!” I howl, “XM RADIO! ON!”

“I’m sorry, I do not understand. Please repeat your command.”

Apparently this robot wasn’t programmed to understand Hysterical.

I take a deep breath.

“Maybe you should try something else?” Jay suggests.

Ok, whatever.

I push the button and say VERY CLEARLY, “Change station to 103.7 FM.”

“GPS home position set to current location.”

I bang my head against the steering wheel. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! and somewhere in all the banging, my forehead hits the magic voice recognition button. WHAM! WHAM!

“XM Radio On!” shouts the robot.

And, as if by magic, my XM radio turns on.

If you’re feel like it, head on over to Seattle Mom Blogs and check out my latest Essential advice for new bloggers post in which I give many tips for Fitting blogging into your life without losing your mind, relationships, and waistline. Now if I could only figure out how to follow my own advice!

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©2008 Absolutely Bananas. All Rights Reserved.

Face off: Jenny vs. the GPS

“I don’t want a GPS,” I inform Jay (rather smugly), “I think they’re unnecessary.”

Jay shakes his head in disbelief. “You don’t want a GPS. YOU. Seriously?”

He has a point… I do have a terrible sense for direction and a propensity for getting lost at the worst possible moment.

“I know it sounds weird,” I explain, “but I just think that if I had a GPS telling me where to go all the time, I’d never know where I was or how to get anywhere.”

“And that’s different from now because…?“ his tone is sarcastic.

I pretend not to hear him. (sometimes you just have to do that in a marriage)

I really don’t want a GPS. I don’t want a DVD player either. We don’t need a DVD player in our car. It’s good for kids to have to think… to look out the window… to get bored.

We don’t need heated leather seats or satellite radio or a 6-disc CD player or 12 cup holders either. Yet somehow we get them, along with the DVD player AND the GPS.

What can I say… I’m a sucker.

Also, it’s hard to say no to features when they’re right there all shiny and new. You start feeling the need to collect them like broken seashells.

“My minivan has so many features,” I find myself boasting, listing them off one by one as if the person to whom I’m talking actually cares about the backup camera or doors that open all by themselves.

So now I have a car with many features including a GPS, which I SAID I didn’t want but now I’m finding is actually a really cool thing. First of all it shows my location on a map (which is not really all that helpful to those of us who are direction-impaired, but is definitely pretty and colorful).

Secondly, there’s this feature where the GPS lady comes on and tells you EVERY SINGLE MOVE before you need to make it in order to get you to your destination.

This GPS lady, she has a soothing, pleasing tone and she always knows where to go. She’s thoughtful and concise, and she never says confusing stuff like “West” or “North.”

Still, after following her directions for a while, I find that the rebel inside me starts to rise up.

(I don’t like to be told what to do)

“Turn left in one quarter mile,” says GPS lady.

I grip the steering wheel just a bit tighter. I don’t think I will, I mutter to myself. And what are you going to do about THAT?!

“Turn left here,” says GPS lady.

Ha ha ha ha! I’m NOT turning left! Now what are ya gonna do with me? Huh? huh?

“In one mile, U-turn,” says GPS lady.

Oh no… I don’t think so!

“In one quarter mile, make a U-turn.”

“I’M NOT U-TURNING!”

“Take the next right, and then right again,” She’s trying a new tactic. But I WILL NOT BE FOOLED. A u-turn using fancy direction speak is still a u-turn.

“YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!” I howl in gleeful delight.

“Mommy?” CJ peers up at me from the backseat, “Mommy, why are you yelling?”

“Oh never mind, CJ,” I say, “Just put on your wireless headphones and watch your DVD.”

Back to my showdown with the GPS lady.

Oh that’s right, I’m still not turning around. I’m in charge here!

Did she just say, “Turn this car around RIGHT NOW, young lady!”?

No, I must have imagined it.

At last she concedes victory over to me (AHA!) and comes up with a whole new route based on my last-minute deviation. Truth be told, she is surprisingly unruffled by my failure to obey.

I have to admit I admire her.

She’s spunky, the GPS lady.

This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

***

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Squirrel Violence on the Rise

AHA! I no longer feel the same intensity of remorse for what happened on Saturday after reading this article in the Seattle P-I newspaper today.

BERLIN — An unusually aggressive squirrel attacked three people in a German town before its last victim finished it off with a crutch, police said Wednesday.

The rodent jumped through a living-room window in Passau, on the Austrian border, on Tuesday and bit its first victim. With the squirrel hanging on by its teeth, the woman ran out into the street, where she managed to shake the animal off.

The squirrel then bit a builder before fleeing into a nearby garden, where it bit a 72-year-old man who eventually killed it with his crutch, police said.

Maybe squirrels aren’t so cute and friendly after all. Maybe there’s an underground movement of violence and hate in the squirrel community. Maybe some squirrels are actually… (dare I say it)… NUTS. Ooh, yeah, that was bad.

Oh, and how’s this for a strange coincidence… the very DAY AFTER the running-over-the-squirrel incident I opened the door at 6am for my morning run and what do you know?! THERE WAS A SQUIRREL ON MY FRONT PORCH!! He ran off when he saw me, but I could see a diabolical glint in his eye that indicated he was up to no good. Was he an angry relative? A hit-squirrel? Did I manage to kill a squirrel with mob connections?!

I can see it now… the front page of the Seattle Times;

Woman killed by enraged squirrel.
(Seattle) It’s a somber day in Seattle as crowds mourn the passing of a local woman who was brutally killed when a ferocious squirrel viciously attacked her as she walked outside to her car. The woman, whose identity has not been released, fought bravely but was unable to escape the enraged squirrel. Reports indicate that the squirrel had been lying in wait for the woman, and two neighbors claim to have seen the squirrel scoping out the woman’s house the week prior.

Police are investigating, but one source indicated that they believe this case to be one of cold-blooded revenge for a week-old accident in which the victim’s car ran over the perpetrator’s brother-in-law. The perpetrator is a member of the notorious rodent gang, FuZ, which is known for its violence and terror-inducing tactics. City officials are concerned that this incident could inflame an already tense situation between squirrels and people. In attempts to avoid further violence, they have stated that they will be substantially increasing the quantity of “squirrel crossing” signs around the city.

But already protest groups are rallying for the release of the jailed squirrel chanting, “Road kill is murder!” “Let the little nut-cracker free!” and “Squirrels are people too!”