Absolutely Bananas: Seattle mom blog

What happened to Absolutely Bananas?

A few weeks ago I logged into Google Analytics to check my stats. Don’t ask me why- I blame a severe case of not-wanting-to-go-to-bed.

So I’m scanning through the usual suspects of keyword searches that led people to my blog.  And then I see it, number three on the list:

What happened, indeed?

A lot has happened since we last spoke. For example last year we pulled CJ out of public school and enrolled him in private school and then I got pulled into seven thousand committees and then there was the trip to Disney World and the trip on the catamaran and then I tried out boot camp and then hired a personal trainer and STILL I don’t look like Jennifer Aniston (can you BELIEVE IT!) and then I went back to work FULL TIME and Jay quit his job and I started hot yoga and oh yeah Christmas, New Year’s, and the trip to Palm Springs.

So we’re caught up.  Good.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my blog. Specifically: am I done blogging? and also: if yes should I close it down and IF NO when will I start blogging again and what will I blog about?

I notice that as CJ gets older our trials and tribulations and funny stories all circle around topics that are really not bloggable like that one annoying kid or the reeeeally annoying mom or a million other things that I can’t write because someone might read them and then I’d be in hot water.  And CJ… as he grows… his stories feel more and more like HIS and less like MINE. And is it ok for me to share his struggles and deep-dark secrets with the whole entire universe even if no one reads it?

Then there’s the teeny-tiny issue of Time (haven’t got any) and Energy (have even less) and without either, how do you blog?

Still, I’m not a giving up kind of gal, so I hang onto this desperate hope that I can pick up the blogging string again and turn it into something that I do for fun and that isn’t a burden. Because the truth is I love blogging. That it makes me write. That it makes me look at life through a little different lense. That it’s MINE and mine ALONE bwah ha ha ha ha.

(and how will I get a book deal and become wildly rich and famous without it?  I mean SERIOUSLY)

So I’m going to try again. Today is a fresh start in which I will post REGULARLY and I will NOT OBSESS and YOU WILL LIKE IT.

Ok maybe not the last part. Unless you’re my mom. (hi mom!)

We’ll see how it goes.

If you are vin diesel, CLICK HERE

For today, I thought we could play a little game where we laugh and marvel at the WEIRD STUFF PEOPLE SEARCH FOR that leads them to my blog (the vin diesel edition):

“if you are vin diesel”
Click Here!

“pin in my mouth”
Pin head.

eco friendly way to kill spiders
Um… smash them?

help i have fly at my house
Hello… FLY SWATTER…

how do you make an egg laugh
Tell it a yoke?

funny things your husband says
How about, “I help with house work.” HA HA HA HA HA HA! Good one, honey!

i love gas-x!
ME TOO!!

And finally, the CLASSIC,
if you are vin diesel, yell veri loud

©2008 Absolutely Bananas. All Rights Reserved.

Bananas gone bad and other nonsensical topics

Never mind that I had 101 topics at the tip of my tongue last time I was in the car. Or that I lay in bed awake last night thinking of THE ABSOLUTELY BEST AND MOST PERFECT POST EVER.

Ideas vanish like snowflakes in the warm glow of my computer screen and I am left with a big fat nothing.

This is why I love Google Analytics. After several minutes of desperately tapping my fingers on the keys and hoping that something will come, I start to find other ways to entertain myself. And what better than to explore the wild and wondrous ways that internet surfers happen onto this blog.

Giggle with me, won’t you…

I “heart” lard
Dude, who doesn’t?

how does gas-x work?
I’ll try to put this in plain language that we all can understand. See, first you have gas… and then you don’t. Pretty slick, really.

i want my head on someone else’s body
hmm. Sounds like a personal problem.

hot to photoshop your face
first you’ll want to learn hot to spell.

i don’t care i don’t even like jelly
I think this would be a great name for a band. Or a blog. It is sort of a weird search term though, don’t you think?

i trashed my living room with mud
CJ? is that you?

i will brush my teeth in just a few min. ok mom?
ok, sweetie.

i want to be a tollbooth attendant
a person’s gotta have dreams. Dream on, little one, dream on.

can i send an ambulance to someone’s house anonymously?
I sooo want to hear the story behind this one.

robot facial massager
hmph. Sounds sort of terrifying, actually.

air mattress blogs
interesting. I’ve never considered this an air mattress blog… but then it is awfully full of hot air and on the puffy bouncy side. This could be a whole new genre for me!

do ants like milk?
seriously? you’re googling this? GO TO BED!

Something I’ve learned since starting this blog is that a lot of people with some REALLY weird questions regarding bananas… questions that manifest in their google searches. Take these, for instance.

bananas for cleaning teeth
ewww!!! I don’t even want to know how your breath smells!

bananas gone bad that have red inside
throw them away. RIGHT NOW.

i wonder what gases turn bananas bad
From this day forward I’m going to start all my google searches with “i wonder.”

jealous bananas

ferocious bananas
I’m guessing this and “jealous bananas” fall into the BANANAS GONE BAD category that we saw just a bit earlier…

Then there’s your typical Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus marital type issues. I mean, who DOESN’T look for the answers to these questions on google?

my child is always falling off the couch while my wife is home
have you considered a nanny cam? or a new wife? or a japanese-style cushion-on-the-floor couch? or having your child wear a helmet?

stressed because husband never helps with housework
welcome to the club, ma’am, welcome to the club.

“ice cold feet” + “husband”
“kick him”

best wife award html code
aww, honey, you shouldn’t have!

And finally there’s the question of the ages. The one that EVERYBODY wants to know.

ARE BANANAS FATTENING???

You tell me.

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Don’t forget that this Friday (Feb 1st) is Hot Mamas Know time! I want your tips. I need your tips. Bring me your tips!!

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©2008 Absolutely Bananas. All Rights Reserved.

Is eating six bananas fattening?

Top 5 wacky searches that led people to THIS blog:

5. seattle ok one goldfish? (Yes, as the Seattle authority I will tell you that you CAN have one goldfish here. Glad to help.)
4. does anyone wear pantyhose anymore? (NO!)
3. help me clean my messy house (No, YOU help ME clean MY messy house!… My blog, my rules.)
2. nude dog walking (you’re sick, you know that? really, really sick.)
1. I feel baby kicks but I test negative (Umm… it’s called GAS.)

Seriously, WHO googles these things?? Introduce yourselves… we really want to meet you.

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Funny stuffs for you!

Time for round two of what just might be my all-time favorite activity.

That’s right folks, what are the wacky and weird people of the world searching on that leads them to my blog? Let’s have a look, shall we?

parents peeing outside
oh dear. there’s no help for you here. you MIGHT consider investing in a fence (to keep the parents OUT)

whats it like to live in seattle blog
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I LOVE that I represent the great question of “what it’s like to live in Seattle” via my blog… I’m guessing this poor sap is NOT going to move here…

totally for sure i just got a manicure
totally for sure I need one too

man wrapped in saran wrap in woman’s porta potty
ummm, okaaaaay?

i love banana jobs
you should be a monkey. I don’t know what the pay is like, but surely it’s the job for you.

mucus banana
seriously? again? who ARE these people and WHAT are they hoping to find?

subscribe funny stuffs in my email
my friend! you want subscribe funny stuffs you click this link here friend now. funny stuffs for you!

orange lump on head
it’s called hair. (and I agree, it does look weird)

what are the toys that the goldfish can have?
ok, pay close attention. you may want to grab a pen and paper to jot down notes. Here are the toys a goldfish can have. 1) water, 2) bubbles 3) tiny submarine. I LOVE that I can help.

if you eat 10 bananas kill you?
really? seriously? are you worried about this? try it. And yes, the resulting gas just might kill you.

pictures of stupid moms doing stupid things
HELLO *ding ding ding* we have a winner!

booger head
CJ? is that you?

pictures of stupid women doing stupid things
Ok, enough already. Yes, I’m stupid! Yes I do stupid things! There’s no need to rub it in!

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Want more Google analytics fun? Check out Hoping bananas and other stupid things.

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