Absolutely Bananas: Seattle mom blog

I’m your mother

Dear CJ,

It appears that there are some things in need of clarification in this whole mother-child situation.  Such as roles and responsibilities; specifically mine.

Please read carefully. There will be a quiz.

Love, YOUR MOTHER

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Other “I’m your mother, not…” posts:

Powered by… Mister Linky’s Magical Widgets.

It’s getting hot in here… the pre-BlogHer blah blah blah post

Since EVERYBODY AND THEIR DOG is writing a pre-BlogHer post about clothes and shoes and OH THE WEIGHT WE DIDN’T LOSE, I’ve decided to join in.

After all, what’s a bandwagon without all the people jumping on it?

So it’s true, I’m going to BlogHer.  And I’m excited except I’m clearly in denial because I leave in just a few moments and I have done NOTHING in preparation.

Nada.

Well, except I DID get a new outfit.

Nothing fancy.  Just a little sumpin’ sumpin’…

Tell me what you think (and BE HONEST)…

You may have noticed, I’ve been working out.

But seriously, I’m really excited because I have super-DUPER-cool roommate who I met at BlogHer last year.

If you don’t already know her (YOU SHOULD!), say hello to Amie from Mamma Loves.

She and I are two of a kind.

If you don’t get to go to BlogHer this year, I’m truly sorry. 

The ONE THING you need to know is that I looked like THIS:

Don’t believe anything you hear to the contrary. (VICIOUS LIES!)  People are saying I had a muffin top? You respond with a  LALALALALALALA.  Hear talk of dowdy clothes? that’s your cue to shout, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!  People claim I was boring as a paper napkin, and almost as soggy?  Your line is ARE YOU TALKING? CAUSE ALL I HEAR IS BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Got it?

Good.

Now for those of you who ARE going…

Ignore everything above and prepare yourself for MUFFIN TOP ACTION. 

Yeah baby!

(But what good is a women if she doesn’t have a little something to squeeeeeeze??? Seriously.)

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One more thing. 

CJ looked over my shoulder when I was doing the Photoshopping for this post and said “Mommy, you look BEEAUTIFUL!”

I shift uncomfortably in my chair and say, “Uh, thanks.”

Then he wrinkles his forehead and adds, “But it doesn’t really look like you.”

ya think?

He studies the picture and continues, “You don’t have a purse like that.”

Because THE PURSE is what gives it away.

Oh how I love that boy!

If you are vin diesel, CLICK HERE

For today, I thought we could play a little game where we laugh and marvel at the WEIRD STUFF PEOPLE SEARCH FOR that leads them to my blog (the vin diesel edition):

“if you are vin diesel”
Click Here!

“pin in my mouth”
Pin head.

eco friendly way to kill spiders
Um… smash them?

help i have fly at my house
Hello… FLY SWATTER…

how do you make an egg laugh
Tell it a yoke?

funny things your husband says
How about, “I help with house work.” HA HA HA HA HA HA! Good one, honey!

i love gas-x!
ME TOO!!

And finally, the CLASSIC,
if you are vin diesel, yell veri loud

©2008 Absolutely Bananas. All Rights Reserved.

She listens but doesn’t hear me at all

One of the many excellent features of The Awesome Minivan is that it has cutting-edge voice recognition command capabilities.

(minivans are so high-tech)

In theory, it works like this.

The driver pushes a button and states a command.

“XM radio on.”

As if by magic, the XM radio turns on.

When I learned about this feature, I was really excited. My minivan is on-par with Knight Rider. A talking car? How cool is that?

Only, as is too often the case with these types of new-fangled devices, the voice recognition is a little, shall we say, glitchy.

I say, “XM radio on,”

And the robot in the dashboard responds with a very confident, “High beams on!” and turns on my headlights to full brightness.

I look at Jay. “Seriously? That doesn’t sound at all like what I said!”

He shrugs.

I try again. “XM RADIO ON!” I shout.

(shouting works for people who don’t speak English, so it must work for car robots. Right?!)

“Passenger mirror defog!” responds my ever-so-helpful but rather misguided robot friend, and the mirror starts to heat up.

“NOOOOO!!!!!” I howl, “XM RADIO! ON!”

“I’m sorry, I do not understand. Please repeat your command.”

Apparently this robot wasn’t programmed to understand Hysterical.

I take a deep breath.

“Maybe you should try something else?” Jay suggests.

Ok, whatever.

I push the button and say VERY CLEARLY, “Change station to 103.7 FM.”

“GPS home position set to current location.”

I bang my head against the steering wheel. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! and somewhere in all the banging, my forehead hits the magic voice recognition button. WHAM! WHAM!

“XM Radio On!” shouts the robot.

And, as if by magic, my XM radio turns on.

If you’re feel like it, head on over to Seattle Mom Blogs and check out my latest Essential advice for new bloggers post in which I give many tips for Fitting blogging into your life without losing your mind, relationships, and waistline. Now if I could only figure out how to follow my own advice!

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©2008 Absolutely Bananas. All Rights Reserved.

The mystery of the red long johns

You know how sometimes something happens that makes you rub your hands together and laugh with wicked glee?

I had my moment just the other evening.

I was working my way through a massive pile of laundry, when I came to an odd red bundle at the bottom. I pulled it out to have a closer look.

It was red long johns. The full-body kind with the flap in the back…

WHOSE could they be?

The long johns sat there for days as I stewed. WHO could they belong to? I’d never seen them before, and I couldn’t imagine anyone I knew who would wear them.

Finally, one evening, I mention the mystery to Jay.

“They’re mine,” he announces (rather proudly).

I promptly fall out of my chair.

“Yours?!” I stutter and gasp and choke.

He smiles smugly. “They were ON SALE.” he tells me, “I got them for going fishing on the river. They’re really warm. Plus you don’t have to take them off to use the bathroom!”

Yes, I saw that.

“Honey?” I ask, after a couple minutes of stunned silence.

“Yeah?”

“You know that I’m going to have to blog this, right?”

(that’s just the kind of wife I am)

If you’re looking for SUBSTANTIVE blogging, check out my latest entry in the Advice for New Bloggers series, where we’re talking about Blogging Safely. And, if you’re in the Seattle area (or, I don’t know, have your own private airplane), sign up for our Great Wolf Lodge family vacation giveaway (or you can just read about the sordid details of the Banana family’s mini-break in Grand Mound, Washington).

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©2008 Absolutely Bananas. All Rights Reserved.