Next week Jay turns the big four-oh. He’s dreading it, but I keep telling him THERE ARE WORSE THINGS!
Like, for example…
1. Being eaten by wolves
2. Getting your leg caught in a meat grinder
3. Poking your eye out
4. Running over a baby bunny or duckling
5. Finding a finger in your soup
6. Irritable Bowel Syndrome
7. Losing the winning lottery ticket
9. Being chewed up by hamsters, rats or cats
10. Bed bugs
11. Falling down the stairs
12. Stepping on a rusty nail
14. Lice and scurvy. And all that other stuff they used to get on boats.
15. Drinking lumpy milk
16. Taking the red pill.
17. Getting eaten by a shark.
18. Teenage girls
19. Filet-of-Fish sandwiches
20. The stuff Mike Rowe does
21. Having gas on an airplane
24. Trying to figure out how to sync your iPhone to a new computer without losing all your music
25. Taking your baby to get his shots
26. A root canal
27. Anything by Paris Hilton
28. A runny nose when you don’t have a kleenex
29. Catching your hair on fire
30. Windows XP
31. Paying taxes
32. Accidentally brushing your teeth with hemorrhoid cream
33. the 80′s… back in style
34. Having the pilot of your airplane pass out from bad fish and all the other people pass out too and you have to fly the airplane but you don’t know how
35. Mean aliens that come to Earth to exterminate human life
36. Throwing up in your mouth
37. Dropping a baby
38. Stepping on dog poop. In the middle of the night. With bare feet.
39. Lower back pain.
40. Falling down and you CAN’T GET UP!
See? Don’t you feel better now?