Vaccinate this.

In the last two weeks I have had swine flu and/or pneumonia about sixteen times.

Now, when I say I “had” those things I don’t mean that I actually had them, but that I was pretty sure (100% confident) that I had them. Swine flu. And/or Pneumonia.

Death was imminent.

Only I didn’t. And it wasn’t.

Which, when you calculate the freak-outs and heavy breathing and HOURS spent on webmd.com and cdc.gov, can result in only one thing: a mild feeling of disappointment.

I mean seriously.

I think it’s great that the government is madly working to create vaccines for this piggish flu.

But I also think it would be helpful if they put a bit of effort towards other things. Like making the test for swine flu available over the counter.

This is a good idea on so many levels. First of all it could be a great revenue stream.  I’d probably buy, like, 100 of them if this week is any indication. And I know that, as far as demographics go, I represent a big old heap of crazy.

It’s also a good idea because if we could test ourselves for swine flu, then we would know if we’d had swine flu, which would help us opt in or out of the whole SHOULD I VACCINATE BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MERCURY IT HASN’T BEEN TESTED OH YES IT HAS IT’S ALL A BIG FREAKING CONSPIRACY BUT OBAMA SAID I SHOULD debacle.

One more brilliant idea while I’m feeling inspired…

They should make a web browser just for hypochondriacs. Here’s how it could work.  If you type in a search like “strange symptoms neck throbbing sore throat swine flu?” or try to navigate to websites like webmd.com or click on freaky news links such as “President declares swine flu a national emergency” you’d just get a picture of a soft fuzzy bunny with some Enya playing softly in the background.

Like this.

Don’t you feel better already?

I do.

Bunnies are amazing.

***
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Related Posts:

• My vitals may be normal but I’m a sick, sick woman
• The wake-up call
• Hypochondri-WHAT? And CAN YOU DIE from that?

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