It used to be that whenever Jay would travel and leave CJ and I home alone, I didn’t sleep. I heard noises and thumps and bumps and I fretted and spent night after night in a half-wakened state of terrified delirium.
Until we bought the alarm.
It was expensive, the alarm, but no price was too high for my sleep and sanity. So I signed the contract, wrote a big check, put the stickers in the windows, and breathed a big sigh of relief. At last, our house is protected.
Which is why I am dead asleep when the sirens erupt in a cacophony of blaring noise. In the middle of the night. A night when CJ and I are all alone.
BLEEEEREREEEEEERE KITCHEN WINDOW CENTRAL ALERT BLEEEREREEEEEEREEEEREEE
I leap out of bed and gasp for air. The room is pitch black except for the pulsing light coming from the hallway.
The alarm!
The alarm is going off!
That means…
That means someone is breaking in!
Through the kitchen window central!
My mind is muddled. It’s so dark. And the NOISE!
BLEEEEREREEEEEERE KITCHEN WINDOW CENTRAL ALERT BLEEEREREEEEEEREEEEREEE
It’s in this moment that I am jolted into the realization that my alarm is not, in fact, a force field. It doesn’t actually protect me. It’s just… an alarm.
And I have NO PLAN for what to do if… alarmed.
BLEEEEREREEEEEERE KITCHEN WINDOW CENTRAL ALERT BLEEEREREEEEEEREEEEREEE
must do something…
Desperately I stumble into the hallway, then stop. I’m not wearing any pants. I can’t face a prowler without pants!
I fumble my way back to the bedroom and find myself caught in a moment of ridiculous indecision. Capris or pajamas? CAPRIS OR PAJAMAS?
MEANWHILE A SKULKING BURGLER IN A SKULL CAP AND GLOVES IS CREEPING THROUGH MY KITCHEN!
Or… well… or maybe not.
But it’s my job as the ADULT and DEFENDER OF THE PROPERTY to find out.
BLEEEEREREEEEEERE KITCHEN WINDOW CENTRAL ALERT BLEEEREREEEEEEREEEEREEE
so hard to think with all the NOISE…
I pull on my pajama pants and look around in desperation.
Aha!
I pick up my iPhone and carry it in front of me, like a club, as I tip-toe towards the kitchen.
BLEEEEREREEEEEERE KITCHEN WINDOW CENTRAL ALERT BLEEEREREEEEEEREEEEREEE
Do I turn the light on? Or leave it off? I stand in the doorway to the kitchen. Even in the faint light of the moon I can see that Kitchen Window Central is firmly closed.
I flip the light on.
Slowly, I move towards the window, clutching my iPhone.
What am I going to do with this iPhone? Club the bad man over the head? Amaze him with its intuitive interface?
The window is definitely closed. There’s no broken glass. There’s no skull cap or masked man. Nothing skulking at all… except for Bella, who is positioned behind me, her tail between her legs.
fat lot of good you are!
BLEEEEREREEEEEERE KITCHEN WINDOW CENTRAL ALERT BLEEEREREEEEEEREEEEREEE
I stumble out of the kitchen and towards the hallway. The alarm has been going off for what seems like sixteen hours, and I just can’t think straight.
Maybe I should check the other windows.
I wander through the house, iPhone firmly clenched, checking windows.
All are closed. The night is peaceful. Well, except for the sirens.
I type in the code to shut off the alarm and return to my bedroom where CJ is huddled under a pile of blankets.
“I’m trying to sleep,” he mutters as I climb into bed.
right.
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xo Jen
September 19, 2009 at 1:36 am
This is why I won’t have an alarm. What on earth would I do if there was someone in the kitchen? It’s probably best if I don’t know.
September 29, 2009 at 11:23 am
I don’t know what I would have done either. Heaven forbid I run into an intruder in my house.
September 19, 2009 at 6:36 am
You were holding on to the IPhone to help the burglar out. Because you know that if there was one, he’d want to steal that, too.
Glad it turned out to be nothing. Although I would have been freaked someone was hiding in the closet for the rest of the night.
September 19, 2009 at 7:09 am
I would have had a heart attack on the spot! I applaud your quick thinking…you would have taken a video of the prowler and posted it on youtube!
September 19, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Glad to read everything’s OK.
Perhaps I should get one of those alarms—for a different reason. I’ll use it to wake me up in the morning so my 6-year old won’t be late for school.
Hmp.
Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com
Twitter: AboutParenting
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September 19, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I love a blog that makes me laugh out loud!!!
September 19, 2009 at 8:29 pm
This is my favorite line, “What am I going to do with this iPhone? Club the bad man over the head? Amaze him with its intuitive interface?”
BAHAHA. “Intuitive interface?”
BAHAHA. Seriously, I giggled out loud. Thank you.
September 19, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Your posts never fail to crack me up! So been there…
September 20, 2009 at 11:20 am
Hi! I just stumbled upon your blog, and I just want to say that you really made me laugh with some of your posts. Specially about yoga classes. I am really having the similar experience with all that sweaty hands :D I look forward to reading more of your posts.
September 20, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Apple should take a cue and come up with an app to combat that intruder…
September 22, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I certainly have not heard of an iphone being used as a weapon before! I suppose you could have photographed the intruder and emailed it to the local police station or news channel!
September 22, 2009 at 10:24 pm
This is hilarious! I have been awakened by my alarm before too, and have stumbled around the house in the dark with the book I was reading before I fell asleep. What was I going to do, talk him into joining my book club? Luckily and sadly, the alarm went off because I set it for us to be away, and the dogs were walking in the house and set off the motion detectors. I found this out when the police showed up at our house at 3am. Soooo embarrassing! Loved the post!
September 23, 2009 at 7:12 pm
“Capris or pants? CAPRIS OR PANTS??”
OMG… SUCH a girl thing to do during a crisis. LOVE it!!
September 24, 2009 at 4:01 am
This is precisely why I don’t know if I could get a alarm, the noise would paralize me. I’m scared of my own shadow sometimes.
Good thing my husband rarely travels. And if he did, the Live Eye at Five neighbor (who knows everything about everyone and is always watching the neighborhood) would probably call the cops before any had time to break in.
September 24, 2009 at 9:05 am
i guess you could have taken his picture and immediately posted it to twitter or something…
this is why i prefer the alarm systems that come with the 4 evil doberman pinchers.
September 24, 2009 at 11:11 am
Okay, my husband is the same way. “What Crystal, I don’t hear anything, I am trying to sleep!” Me, “Screw it, I got this!”
I would have been the same way. But this is why I don’t want an alarm, cause if it was a false alarm, I would have freaked out and probably shot myself in the foot or something, lol.
Pingback: Friday Faves – It’s just my faves for the week, ok people, geez, I can’t keep coming up with clever titles « Mother Musing
September 27, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I think this blog is great, and that’s why I wanted to give you the “One Lovely Blog” award. Check out: http://whatswrongwithmommy.blogspot.com/2009/09/one-lovely-blog-award.html
September 28, 2009 at 8:54 am
God my alarm scares the crap out of me when it goes off. I will not sleep for a week!
I tagged you in the Name Game meme! Come check it out!
October 29, 2009 at 6:49 am
I know how you feel. I live in a rural area and my neighbor just down the road had a breakin just last week. It is scary!
November 11, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Oh, so funny! Now the real question is: are you still able to sleep??