On skin color
January 21, 2009 – 8:21 pmWhy would someone throw their shoes over the telephone wire leaving them to dangle? CJ wants to know. Because if you throw your shoes over the wire, you can’t ever get them back. And if the person didn’t want their shoes any more, why wouldn’t they just put the shoes in the garbage?
As is so often the case, I just don’t have any answers.
“But can’t the wires SHOCK you?” CJ asks me.
“Yes, CJ,” I say, “Yes they can.”
He thinks for a moment. Then he says, “Another king got shocked. I know about that… I learned it at school.”
“Mmhmm.” I pretend to understand although really I have no idea what he’s talking about.
A king? Shocked?
“It’s so SAD.” he continues, then he adds in a whisper, “the white people did it.”
The fog inside my head is starting to lift.
Does he mean…
He continues, “White people are BAD and black people are GOOD.”
I choke as I try to keep the minivan from careening off the road. Why does he always hit me with this stuff in the car? When I’m supposed to be DRIVING?
“Martin Luther King!” I shout, “You learned about Martin Luther King!”
of course he did
“YES!” CJ nods vigorously and repeats the name with emphasis “Martin Luther King.”
“He’s not really a king, you know.” I say, “he’s just a man. King was just part of his name.”
“And also,” I continue, “Not all white people are bad. Just some.”
CJ shakes his head. ”No, white people are BAD. They killed… what’s his name again?”
“Martin Luther King.”
“Yeah. HIM. The white people KILLED him.”
“Yes, those people were bad,” I say, “But not all of the white people are bad. It’s not white or black that tells you if someone’s bad- it’s how they act.”
I can tell he’s not buying it.
“But mommy, I think if someone is BAD we should call them white people. And if someone is GOOD we should call them black people.”
Suddenly I get it. When CJ hears black people and white people he doesn’t think of skin color. He’s thinking TEAMS. Like Power Rangers.
I don’t want to be the one to introduce him to the world of skin color.
I also don’t want him going around saying that white people are bad and black people are good. It’s a PICKLE. That’s what I’ve found myself in.
“Honey,” I say, “White people are people like us. We are white people.”
He looks at me in horror. ”We ARE?!”
“Mmhmm. Because our SKIN is white.”
He examines his arm and then raises an eyebrow at me. ”White?”
“Well, maybe not white. But LIGHTER.”
“Mommy, we’re white people?” he asks in a hushed voice.
“Yes. And…” I desperately try to think of someone that we know who is black. Truth be told, Seattle is not the most diverse city. ”You know Barack Obama? How his skin is darker than ours? That’s what they mean when they say black person.”
CJ gasps in shock. ”BARACK OBAMA IS BLACK?!”
His world will never be the same and that makes me sad. I wish that CJ could always see the world without color. But I’m glad that, in a world WITH color, both black AND white people can be president.
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By Jane @ What About Mom on Jan 21, 2009 | Reply
THIS is why we have kids, in the first place.
Jane @ What About Moms last blog post..Look, Ma, Princess Pancakes!
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By Dumblond on Jan 21, 2009 | Reply
I have been having these same kind of conversations with my kids lately. It’s harder than I thought it would be…having to explain why some people think that skin color matters.
Dumblonds last blog post..Movie Review Time Tuesday: The Presidential Edition
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By Tatiana on Jan 21, 2009 | Reply
Wow… I don’t even know how I’m going to address this sort of thing with my little girl. Gracefully dealt with on your part, but it must have been a little bit heart-breaking…
Tatianas last blog post..36 Weeks 3 Days
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By Ms. H on Jan 21, 2009 | Reply
I LOVE the fact that, if but for a brief moment, he had the commonly-accepted “black is bad, white is good” belief REVERSED.
What an amazing kid you have there…it’s obvious you’re doing a Great Job raising him to be a reflective, caring young man.
:)
Ms. Hs last blog post..Finished & Fluffy
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By coffeejitters (Judy Haley) on Jan 21, 2009 | Reply
I love your stories, and I love the way kids look at the world. It’s interesting to me how different this generation is from mine. I grew up with two sets of friends: the ones I was allowed to bring home from school and the ones I could only play with at school.
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By Krista on Jan 21, 2009 | Reply
Wow, intense.
You think Seattle is not so diverse… try living in small town east of the mountains! ;) Hey, at least we have the hispanics…
Kristas last blog post..Vacation Fun
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By Enchanted on Jan 21, 2009 | Reply
That is so nice to hear that he didn’t know about the difference in skin color.
My Mom told me that when she was growing up she didn’t know that black people were real. She read about them in books but thought they were make believe like fairies and such. She was born in 1920 and lived in South Dakota in a very small town. She was very excited and couldn’t stop staring when she saw her first black person.
Enchanteds last blog post..You’re looking for WHO?
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By Colin Timberlake on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
True. True.
Colin Timberlakes last blog post..Sammy Hagar: Winner Takes it All (1987)
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By sheila on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
OH MY GOD. Your post was funny and sad and just a very good post! WOW! Sorta reminded me of Steve Martin in the Jerk when he finds out he’s NOT black. lol.
What a great conversation/post!
sheilas last blog post..We are but a speck.
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By Lynette on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
Wow. I think you must be pretty awesome that it took him THIS LONG to realize there was a difference. Some kids learn these lessons in a much harsher way.
It says something good that it had to be pointed out to him. :)
Lynettes last blog post..1,000 words
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By wendy on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
I love childhood innocence. Sometimes it’s so sad to watch our kids grow up and become AWARE. CJ sounds like a cutie!
wendys last blog post..Random Thoughts
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By Beth on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
I heard that the shoes over the phone lines represent areas where drugs are sold. Kind of like a sign for that dealer. Not sure you can explain that to CJ, though….
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By Midwest Mommy on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
Oh kids are great! It just proves that hate is taught and everyone starts out so good. Nice way of handling it. I myself was wondering how on earth I would answer those questions if that were BG.
Midwest Mommys last blog post..A Bedtime Story
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By Kaye on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
I have the second (third?) all of the comments about the beauty of childhood innocence. I know it broke your heart to have to reveal that information to him, but it’s best that it is done in a gentle manner from a loving parent, like you did. Hopefully children will soon live in a world that is more about the fact of someone’s skin color being purely a physical characteristic and not a defining burden.
Thanks for raising such a wise and loving young guy. There need to be more of him in the world!
Kayes last blog post..Today was Unexpectedly Productive!
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By Laura on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
Why do they always bring these topics up when we are driving? And people say driving while talking on a cell phone is distracting! Those people must not have kids.
You handled the situation great.
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By Jana on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
That was handled well. Good job!
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By Jay on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
My son (6) was trying to explain a Star Wars character to me the other day. Turns out he was talking about Mace Windu (played by Samuel Jackson), and the only defining characteristics he was able to give were “bald” and “awesome.” After I figured out who he was referring to I said, “You mean the black Jedi?” To which he responded “No, his lightsaber is purple.” I thought about starting up the skin color conversation, but decided I would be a fool to do so.
Jays last blog post..Daily Photo: Uniporn
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By T with Honey on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
More evidence that prejudice is something learned and not an innate tendency.
I’m pretty sure that Princess sees skin color as just another variation like eye color. In a way I dread the day she learns about the importance of Martin Luther King and the Civil Rights Movement because it WILL change the way she thinks about skin color.
T with Honeys last blog post..How many birthday parties is too many
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By Mathew on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
It astonishes me every day at how insightful children can be.
I grew up in the south and never realized how much prejudice there was until I moved up to New Hampshire. Happy to say my boys see in color - not black and white.
Great blog Jen!
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By Kathleen on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
Wow. This one stopped me. I love how you were able to catch up to his thinking (power ranger teams!)
Kathleens last blog post..The Adventures of Darkman & Zinger
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By Lisa on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
I know exactly how you feel. When my son was little, he came home from his grandfather’s house. His grandfather is a very prejudice man.
My son asked me “Mommy, do you like Black people?”
I knew where this was going…so I said “Well, some black people are good, and some are bad. Also, some white people are good and some of them are bad too. I only like the Good People.”
From that day forward, he completely understood and has felt the same way.
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By Amy (chaseafterwind) on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
I wonder if it would help to explain to CJ that Barack Obama is both black AND white together - and that human beings cannot really be so easily divided into 2 (or 3 or 4 or even 100) teams. Anyway, great conversation and thanks for sharing! :)
Amy (chaseafterwind)s last blog post..Time Crunch = Blogging FAIL
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By TracyB on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
Great post. I love moments like these, where we can take a moment to see the world through pure innocence.
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By TracyB on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
I also just read an article in the Chicago Tribune today about the shoes, they used to be gang symbols, places you could buy drugs, a way to show who is boss (we took your shoes and you can’t get them back!). However, it says today, it doesn’t mean much. Juvenile pranks. Hope that answers at least the first part of CJ’s question!
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By Wendy at let the dog in on Jan 22, 2009 | Reply
I thought CJ was gonna say “we’re not white, mom, we’re peach!” or something like that.
The hardest part is that stuff about WHY anyone cares what your skin color is. That is hard to explain at this point.
You could really complicate matters by telling him Obama had a white mom and black dad! Then you get race and sex to discuss! Do that! And report back!
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By Mrs. Nurse Boy on Jan 23, 2009 | Reply
I just found your blog and I love it! So fun!
I, too, have had this converstion more than once. I hate it when they become so aware of everything. Why can’t we all just be PEOPLE? But, yes, there is plenty of history to remember, learn from, and NEVER repeat.
Great story!
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By Agibean on Jan 23, 2009 | Reply
As the mother of a biracial child, I just had to read your post when I saw the header. I’m guessing that your child hasn’t encountered too many people of color yet?
It’s been quite an education for me raising my daughter compared to raising my two older, white children. For the youngest, skin color has ALWAYS been a part of every day life. How could it not, when mom is pale and dad is is the color of the earth? She calls herself “paper bag” color, though it changes with the seasons. She is 9.
Like some of the commenters, I’ve had people tell me it ruins the innocence of our kids to teach them about MLK, civil rights, etc. but to me, the alternative is to ignore history and pretend that there is no longer any prejudice or discrimination.
Believe me, it’s still out there, here is progressive Seattle, and everywhere else. While white families might be able to pretend it’s not, families of color or mixed races, cannot. So we teach our kids from an early age about race.
Does it perpetuate racism to do so? I don’t think so. To pretend there is no color is to render those OF color invisible. I read that in an article in Seattle Woman a couple of years ago, and I think it describes well how blacks (or others of color) feel about saying “I don’t see color”. The problem is when you make color “less than” instead of celebrating the differences.
I think you did fine with your car conversation (all of my kids have always used car trips to discuss important things too). But don’t stop there-use it as a springboard. Take CJ to the NW AFrican American Museum down in south Seattle-sow him some local black history. Or look for some of the wonderful young children’s books out there about MLK-there’s a great one about the March on Washington that’s a simple chapter book.
My daughter was told recently by a schoolmate that black and white kids shouldn’t play together at recess, not a week before Barak Obama was sworn in as president. Clearly, we have a long way to go regarding race.
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By Jackie Whitley (Buried in Legos) on Jan 23, 2009 | Reply
There is only one race - the human one.
Some of us have more or less pigment than others.
I’m not white. This page is white. White = albinoism or no pigment.
Jackie Whitley (Buried in Legos)s last blog post..Spiced Up Crackers …
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By MommyTime on Jan 23, 2009 | Reply
In our house, there are not yet white people or black ones. There are peach, or tan, or brown, depending on what shade Son assesses their skin to be. He asked me once why there were “almost all peach people in our town,” and so began the discussions. He, insulated in his very multi-cultural preschool, however, will be shocked to learn about racism. I am not looking forward to that day.
MommyTimes last blog post..Words are Worlds
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By Chelsea on Jan 23, 2009 | Reply
Beth’s right — dangling shoes from a wire are a sign for nearby drug dealers. (Actually, it’s a sign for their customers.) My dad prosecuted drug dealers for 25 years and told me that tidbit when I was a kid.
Chelseas last blog post..Crazy Wednesday
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By Christina on Jan 23, 2009 | Reply
How precious your son is! I wish the entire world could see things the way he does.
LOL @ Enchanted’s comment. Totally reminded me of A Blast From The Past when Brendan Fraser said “Oh my lucky stars… a negro”
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By pixie on Jan 23, 2009 | Reply
Volcano came home from school with the same conclusions. I don’t think their teaching the history of MLK very accurately, or they should wait until the kids are older. Before all of the MLK talk, Volcano never even noticed skin color. Now he’s all talking about it like it’s a big deal. I just told him, “Actually, we’re all just shades of brown… light brown, dark brown…” It’s so nerve-wracking!! And you can’t blame the teachers because they’re mandated to teach it!! What to do…
pixies last blog post..Mommy Quote of the Week
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By Kerrie on Jan 24, 2009 | Reply
What a great post. I wish the world could all be blind to skin color.
Kerries last blog post..Are You Stinky? Asking All the Right Questions
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By Ann on Jan 26, 2009 | Reply
Amazing how a white and a black person can be president. What’s even MORE interesting is how, *gasp* that’s what ou president is!
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By amy2boys on Jan 26, 2009 | Reply
This is precious! And I don’t blame you for being sad that he sees it now. ~sigh~
amy2boyss last blog post..Five Cup Salad
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By KathyB! on Jan 27, 2009 | Reply
They do tend to drop bombshells in the car, don’t they?
As others have said, be happy that you were able to have the conversation with your child up front before something worse brings it his attention. I think if you can focus the lens slowly it helps them mature into a broader understanding as they get older.
Nicely done!
KathyB!s last blog post..Love notes
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By Storm on Jan 27, 2009 | Reply
Sweet conversation and one to cherish. It breaks a mom’s heart to have these type of conversations with our kids.
Storms last blog post..Thought of the Day - 1/26/09
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By Scary Mommy on Jan 28, 2009 | Reply
I love this!! How wonderful would the world be if we all thought like this?!
Scary Mommys last blog post..It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
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By Ryan Ashley Scott on Feb 3, 2009 | Reply
I just found you through twitter and let me just say: I love this blog!
Oh, how I loved reading this story of CJ. My boy is only 3 and he’s so innocent… ya just hate to see that start to fade, even though it has to happen.
This is just the sweetest thing.
Ryan Ashley Scotts last blog post..Not Me!
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By rimarama on Feb 6, 2009 | Reply
I think you handled it swimmingly!
rimaramas last blog post..Frisky
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By Chris on Mar 7, 2009 | Reply
My son is 5 now and I’ve always been a big believer in multi-culturalism…
I am from Belfast, in Northern Ireland and I hadn’t ever seen a black person until we went to london for a while when I was 8… I also didnt see another person of colour until I was in my teens… its a rare thing in my town.
It also doesnt help when my parents by virtue of their upbringings think more of ‘pink’ people than ‘brown’ people.
But at least at home my son and I try to think that skin colour is just another descriptive word rather than a ‘team’ to be on.
Having been brought up in a place were people were killed/maimed for their religions I can appreciate how important it is to teach these things early! To make it a natural part of life instead of a sudden discovery is the main thing for me!
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By Dee on May 5, 2009 | Reply
I’m so glad that I found your blog today. I’ve loved everything that I’ve read so far. I loved this article most of all. It’s sad watching a piece of your baby’s innocence be shattered. It’s difficult watching them grow up and see them struggle with the real world. The world would be a much better place if we were all still that innocent. Great article!
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