This moment

There are so many things I didn’t do.

So many words I didn’t say.

Are you ready?

Am I ready?

I watch you lying there, your arms flung wide embracing sleep. 

My heart aches for you.  For the baby that clung to me.  For the chubby toddler that wobbled beside me.  For the tall, confident boy with the infectious laugh who I’m sending off to kindergarten in the morning.

My son.

As I watch you sleep, I feel as if time is moving unbearably fast.  In this moment I can see the past and present and future and I how fleeting each one is.  I want to wrap them up and store them away to have forever.  But the moments disappear leaving me with faint recollections. And I have you, as you are now in this moment, along with the knowledge that soon this too will be a memory.

I had so many intentions.

I didn’t do enough.

And even though I know that there is never enough, my heart aches.

I want to stop time and hurry backwards and fix just that.  Or this, and maybe that one other thing.

To relive just a few of those moments.

If only…

If only.

And still the heartless clock counts down the seconds until tomorrow.

Time pauses for no one, someone said.

And it’s true.

Time pauses for no one.  Not even a mother.

***
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