The wake-up call
September 5, 2008 – 9:53 amWe’re five minutes from the ferry when my throat clenches and starts to close up.
I cannot breathe.
I clutch at the armrest and gasp, “Jay! Something is wrong. Something is very wrong.”
Jay can tell from the urgency in my voice that I am not kidding, and he pulls the car off the road. “What’s up, Jen?” he asks, his face full of concern. “What’s going on?”
I clutch at my neck. “I can’t breathe. I honestly CANNOT BREATHE.”
Jay watches me for a moment. Then he says, carefully, “but Jen, you’re breathing.”
“I know,” I tell him, “but I CAN’T. Breathe.”
He holds my hand as we sit in the car. From the backseat CJ asks, “Mommy? You can’t breathe?”
I don’t respond. I’m busy trying to survive.
We sit in the car in a parking lot for half an hour because I am terrified to get on the ferry. Petrified of finding myself on a boat on the water without immediate access to emergency rooms and life support. Because I just know that at any moment I will stop breathing and have to be rushed to the hospital.
But after sitting in the parking lot for thirty minutes I realize that maybe I will survive after all. Even though I feel like I won’t.
It is the beginning of what will be many… too many… of these sessions.
Sessions where, in an instant, my life plummets from fine to a complete and total nightmare. It begins with a quickening of my pulse followed by tightness at the back of my throat and suddenly I know that this is it; this is the end… I am dying and there’s nothing anyone can do. My heart races. My pulse quickens. My breath becomes short and erratic. I feel tingling in my face and hands.
Strangely, at the end, I find that I am still alive.
These panic attacks rules my world for four weeks. The longest four weeks of my life.
Until, finally, I am at the absolute end of my rope, and I call my doctor.
“I’m sorry,” says the very UN-sorry voice on the other end of the phone, “but your doctor has left the practice.”
“LEFT THE PRACTICE?” I can feel hysteria rising up in my chest, “But I’ve only seen her once. My OTHER doctor left the practice. What am I supposed to DO?”
“Oh don’t worry,” says the woman, “Dr. Smith is taking her patients.”
“Whatever,” I say, “I just need to see a doctor. I don’t care who it is.”
Then the woman on the other end of the phone asks the question that I’ve been dreading for four weeks. “What is this about?”
What INDEED is this about?
If only I knew.
***
WHY do I always tear up when I am talking to a doctor?
I feel like a hysterical emotional woman… you know, the kind you don’t want to be. And yet I can’t seem to stop the tears.
The doctor’s face is sympathetic as I describe my symptoms.
“It sounds to me like you’re experiencing some pretty severe panic attacks,” he tells me. “It’s good you came in.”
He writes me out two prescriptions… one that I’m supposed to take long term and another to ease the symptoms temporarily. He assures me that it’s going to be ok.
I want to believe him.
***
I sit on the patio on a warm summer evening while Jay puts CJ to bed… alone with my thoughts.
How did I get to this place?
I thought I was doing GOOD.
What is WRONG with me?
Why is this happening? Where will it end?
***
Six weeks later I am starting to feel sane.
I tried and stopped the medicines that my doctor prescribed, which gave me symptoms worse than the panic attacks.
I read articles about panic disorder. I talked to people. I started to look differently at my life and my choices and how they might be impacting me.
I started going to bed earlier, watching my diet, drinking less coffee, taking more vitamins. I started making my needs and wants a priority, cutting out the things that stressed me out. I got massages. I played the piano. I found a new doctor. I learned to focus my mind when I felt a panic attack coming on; to talk myself through it.
These things seem to help.
But this experience was a wake-up call for me. A realization that I MUST make my own needs and health a priority. Anything less is a disservice to my family. My family who, turns out, need me to be healthy.
As a mother, as a wife, as a woman… it’s so easy to postpone taking care of myself. To perpetually push out my dentist appointment, to ignore my annual physical, to choose sleep in lieu of exercise and cleaning instead of pleasure.
It’s easy to put ourselves last. And then, in a shallow attempt at taking care of ourselves, to give in to unhealthy compulsions that temporary soothe the underlying imbalance.
A piece of cake, a glass of wine, a soap opera, a new pair of shoes, a manicure…
While these things are certainly not bad and actually quite fun, they also do not qualify as TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES. These are the luxuries that go on top of a healthy life. The frosting.
The frosting does not a balanced meal make.
I have to do the work. Physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively… I need to take care of my WHOLE self.
And I vow that I will do it.
Because I’m worth it.
And my family is worth it.
And the consequences of NOT doing it are unbearable.
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By Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Really great post. We all need to hear this message.
I sure hope you are feeling better.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..Palin and A New Mommy War?
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By Queen of Shake Shake on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Since you’re doing the work, may I suggest The Work by Byron Katie? I love her and her stuff.
Also? That bit you wrote about a glass of wine not being taking care of myself? Uh, them’s fightin’ words. My wine is strictly medicinal.
heh
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..How Can a Dull Wallflower Turn into a Farting GapMom with Friends?
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bananas Reply:
September 8th, 2008 at 11:50 am
I’ll be sure to check out this book. Thanks for the tip!
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By iMommy on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
GREAT post, truly great. You’ve hit on something that most women - myself included - just can’t get a handle on.
You’ve got me thinking, I’ll tell you that. There’s a lot that I’ve been “pushing out” and putting off… maybe I need to go make a few phone calls, appointments, and get a shower tonight.
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bananas Reply:
September 8th, 2008 at 11:51 am
DO it! You’re worth it!
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By Dumblond on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Intense!
I am also one of those women who put their family’s needs ahead of their own. I am relentless when it comes to check-ups for my kids and I constantly hound my husband to get to the doctor. But I haven’t been in over 10 years…I am trying to change but it is always hard to kick a bad habit.
Thanks for the inspiration.
Dumblonds last blog post..Birthday fun!
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bananas Reply:
September 8th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Do you need me to call and make that appointment for you??? Seriously girl, get in there and get checked out! You’ll feel SO much better having done it.
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By Jenny Henny on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
You’ve really described something I’ve been skirting around, but couldn’t quite put my finger on - those thing are the ICING on the cake, a temporary relief, a shot of feel-goodness.
But what is the answer in these hectic times with too much to do and not enough time? How do we satisfy our RDA’s ?
Jenny Hennys last blog post..Playground Politics
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bananas Reply:
September 8th, 2008 at 11:52 am
That IS the question. I have to think it’s putting those things first… at the top of the list.
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By pgoodness on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
It’s so odd that we all do the same things - the putting off of taking care of ourselves. Ridiculous, actually. Good for you doing the work. (And frosting, while it does not make a balanced meal, is certainly worth those couple moments of bliss).
pgoodnesss last blog post..Off to school!
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By judy haley (coffeejitters) on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
I get panic attacks too. Its easy for people to be dismissive and think that it’s all in your head, but its also very, very real.
Just keep taking care of yourself.
judy haley (coffeejitters)s last blog post..Baby Update - Week 9
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By Kaye on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Wonderful post. I’ve had panic attacks several times in my life and the way you described them was all too familiar. Why do we do this to ourselves?
Good job finding out (unfortunately the hard way) that you’ve got to take care of yourself before it’s too late. Keep it up and thanks for the post…many will need to hear this.
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By Doll Clothes Gal on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Terrific post - you really hit the nail that a lot of women have to deal with.
Have a happy Friday and weekend. BTW, you must see my Friday Fun - it’ll set you up for the weekend.
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By Rachael on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Wow you are really on a roll. What an amazing post. Obviously, your case is more extreme than some - we don’t all walk around getting panic attacks (thank goodness), but most of us do forget to take care of ourselves. After all, a healthy mom = healthier, happier kids.
I went through a really low time earlier this year, and I didn’t realize how much my feelings and problems were affecting my 2 year old until I started to get better and saw a dramatic change in his behavior. We all have to remember that we are TOTALLY worth taking care of, and that has to be a priority in our lives too.
I’m glad you’re starting to feel better and take care of yourself. I’m working on changing my eating habits and trying to get healthier and lose weight - but it’s HARD. Good luck to you, and to all the ladies out there who will hopefully take this post to heart.
Rachaels last blog post..An Inconvenient Truth
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By Honey Mommy on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Thanks for sharing this.
I suffer from postpartum panic disorder. I have had panic attacks just like the ones you described. I would wake up in the middle of the night, with my heart racing… numbness and heaviness in my arms and chest… feeling like I was about to die… not knowing why.
It was a wake up call for me too. I have a five month old now and I am doing much better this time around. I know what I need to do and don’t feel ashamed of the medication this time.
Sometimes you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of everyone else.
Honey Mommys last blog post..Under the Weather
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By Marla on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Hi! You are describing my panic attacks of 30 + years ago! Got to where I couldn’t get in crowds (fairs, malls, music events), then dark places and flickering lights (movie theaters, romantic candlelit dinners), then stairs and elevators, and eventually any where too far from home! Not fun! I felt like I was in some deep black place and dying and couldn’t get out! Luckily I found the right doctor to help with meds and like you, I started reading about what it was I was experiencing! Those little neurotransmitters in the brain get burned out, thoughts go awry and panic ensues! I really had to start taking care of myself! Eating right, vitamins, sleep, relaxation and the most helpful for me was yoga classes and learning deep breathing exercises! Then my first husband passed away and I was ON MY OWN soon after I started my journey to “panic free”! Very scary! But I am happy to say I was able to travel to Europe the following year. All night on a plane over the ocean! I realized toward the end of the trip that I was on a subway in London at 2AM, coming back from a night at the theater, ALONE, and I was not panicking!! I knew I had my life back! Hang in there! You can control the panic attacks, even though it feels like you can’t! You will eventually learn how to and you will have your wonderful FULL TIME life back! Blessings!
Marlas last blog post..Bucket List
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By Lex on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
I’ve dealt with panic attacks and anxiety for years. It sucks. And it’s easy to fall back in. Keep the work going. You can do it.
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By Natasha Becoming Something on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
“Frosting does not a balanced meal make.” I’ve never heard that before and I like it!
It’s hard, hard work, this becoming something better. I really hope the meds help and don’t make you grow fur or a penis or whatever those fastfastfast warnings are at the end of drug commercials. The terror is all a blur.
I’d rather be furry with a penis than think I’m dying of suffocation and I’m sure you agree. So, I hope it gets better.
Natasha Becoming Somethings last blog post..Now-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that? Dresses
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By Wendy on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
I’d love to know any books you liked. Imagine living on a island and feeling that on the boat. Yup. I never should have watched that Grey’s Anatomy episode.
Wendys last blog post..If you are a two-inch tall princess, have I got a place for you!
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By MommyTime on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
This is so smart, and so right, and so true. I do the same thing, putting everyone else’s needs first, all the other fires out ahead of what I want. It is good to be reminded that it is not selfish to take a bit of time for the self, that in fact it is necessary if one is not to simply get lost in the sea of others. Thank you.
MommyTimes last blog post..Dear Funnel Web Spiders,
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By mamikaze on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
I have been down that terrifying path. It is so easy to put ourselves last. I hope the relaxation helps. I recommend Rescue Remedy (at Super Supplements and Whole Foods) it comes in a spray and a dropper. I keep it in my purse for those days when deep breathing are not enough.
mamikazes last blog post..I am here. I am depressed.
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bananas Reply:
September 8th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Thanks for the tip! I’ll check it out.
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By Carrie on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Taking care of yourself has got to be #1 - I am glad that you are finding things that will work and a doctor who will help.
I wish I could just give you a big ‘ol hug right now.
Carries last blog post..It Finally Sunk In
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By Ashley on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
When you find out about the crying when talking to the dr, let me know (b/c me too). And you are so totally right. Now, if I could just convince myself that going to the doctor when I dont feel good or getting the massage really was important enough.
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By Diana on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Glad you’re feeling better now! I’ve been there, so many of us have. How does it go from being so good to so bad, and so fast?
Put yourself first, you deserve it!
Dianas last blog post..Palin Dissed by The O?
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By It All Started With a Kiss on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
This was my favorite part:
“And then, in a shallow attempt at taking care of ourselves, to give in to unhealthy compulsions that temporary soothe the underlying imbalance.”
You put into words what so many of us do without realizing it. Great post.
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By KT on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
This really spoke to me today. Not only do I need to remember to put me first, but I let myself be dead last so long that I forgot how to put me first. My marriage is on life support (not entirely b/c I’ve not taken care of myself, but this did NOT help), I’ve had SEVERAL health issues, and I could go on and on. Taking care of us is so important..you are right…BECAUSE THE FAMILY NEEDS US. And I am seeing that more than ever lately.
So your post was extremely timely.
So I sure hope you remind yourself of your wake up call…and are taking care of yourself and feeling much better. Thanks for sharing this with us. It means alot.
KTs last blog post..Stinkin’ Thinkin’
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By polkadotmommy on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Find something that calms you.
For me, it’s the song “Just Breath” by Anna Nalick. I carry it in my iPod and listen whenever I need to. If I am without the song, I let the lyrics run through my head as I am thinking about my breathing. In and Out, to the words in the song.
It may seem silly, but it works great for me.
Good luck!
Jamie
polkadotmommys last blog post..Friday Linky Love
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By Write From Karen on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
Bravo, just bravo.
Good for you for not relying on the drugs to make things better. Good for you for having the strength to look inward, recognizing what must be done and then doing it.
What a great and well-written reminder to all of us.
Write From Karens last blog post..Saturday Photo Hunt - String(s)
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By Heidi on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
You are doing the right thing. The hardest part is deciding to take action. For the past 29 years I have been in grave fear of many things until very recently I took control. I can’t tell you how relieved and happy and at peace I feel. I can go to bed at night and sleep peacefully. I have been seeing a therapist/counselor for awhile now and it is hard to face my fears, but the result is so much better than the work. I will be sending you positive energy. Feel free to email me anytime just to talk or vent or whatever.
Heidis last blog post..i’ll have a warranty please
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By BlapherMJ on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
I’ve been through panic attacks and plenty of other “stuff”. At one point in my life, during extreme stress, I would stop breathing. I’d unconsciously hold my breath until I started gasping for air. For a while I thought I was truly losing my mind. My children’s needs actually pulled me out of it. I was all they had, and they needed me. Nights on my knees in prayer, deep-breathing, screaming when I needed to, and learning to make really bad jokes about life is how I began to pull out of it. Not to mention allowing myself a little down time every Friday night. :-)
Good for you for doing whatever you need to do in order to take care of yourself.
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By Rhi on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
I’m so proud of you for taking charge here! I’ve suffered from panic attacks since I was a little girl (so so sad) and it’s so hard to admit that sometimes you don’t have control over your body.
HUGS! to you!
Rhis last blog post..Friday Bullets: Different Area Codes Edition
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By ML on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
You are among so many. I’m sending good juju for strength and serenity!
MLs last blog post..I owed you this
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By loralee on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
This was a great post. I’ve been there and loved this.
HUGS.
loralees last blog post..My primary thought about the election
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By Chris on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
Great post. I have/had the same problem with putting off my health. I’m trying to learn to take care of me now. It’s not easy, but it’s become one of those things I HAVE to do.
My Lyme Disease caused panic attacks for awhile, too, and you describe them far better than I ever could! I hope you are feeling better soon, and DO look into the Lyme.
Chris
Chriss last blog post..A Bracelet Blessing
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By Liz on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
I could have written this post myself. I swear…every word of it. Thanks for putting into words what I am never able to explain. I hope that any women reading this take heed to your advice and worry about their OWN health for once. Thank you.
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By Krista on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
Not taking care of myself… mine leads to depression rather than panic attacks.
Which is why I joined the gym, but I don’t think that’s going to be enough. Gotta figure out something else rather than sitting on my butt all day…
Kristas last blog post..Yellowstone Part 3: A Day in the Park
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By Zhu on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
I hope you’re feeling better!
I have only experienced one panic attack and I know how you must have felt. It feels like you’re dying… feels terrible indeed.
You’re right, taking care of oneself is easy to forget but looks like you’re on the right track!
Zhus last blog post..The Summer Palace (???)
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By Rosie Scribbles on Sep 7, 2008 | Reply
Blimey, that sounds tough. Try not to worry and stress too much. I used to suffer from serious panic attacks. The more you worry about them the more difficult it is to remain calm. Things do get better I promise you, and you will survive x
Rosie Scribbless last blog post..Wobbly Tooth Drama
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By wendy on Sep 7, 2008 | Reply
Wow. I have so much to learn from you. I promise to try to take care of me.
wendys last blog post..Are you talking to me?!
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By Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children on Sep 7, 2008 | Reply
Wonderful, brave post. I wish you peace from those panic attacks.
Take care of you.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for childrens last blog post..The hills really ARE alive with The Sound of Music
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By Tracey on Sep 7, 2008 | Reply
I am so sorry….I’ve had panic attacks off and on for over 20 years. The last one I had was about 3 years ago…I totally understand.
Traceys last blog post..Question about Google Reader
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By Reese on Sep 7, 2008 | Reply
I have been struggling with Anxiety attacks for about five years.
Mine don’t present as breathing problems, though, they present as throwing up and diarrhea.
Even as a kid in elementary school, if a boy I liked sat next to me, I had to run to the bathroom and puke.
“I started going to bed earlier, watching my diet, drinking less coffee, taking more vitamins. I started making my needs and wants a priority, cutting out the things that stressed me out. I got massages. I played the piano. I found a new doctor. I learned to focus my mind when I felt a panic attack coming on; to talk myself through it. ”
This is so key. I have found that a combo of Lexapro and being VERY proactive about taking good care of myself physically will control my anxiety remarkably well. If I don’t get enough sleep and combine that with being dehydrated, I’m screwed.
You have a sister in this struggle.
Reeses last blog post..Family Together
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By MJ on Sep 8, 2008 | Reply
Hi! I’ve been reading and enjoying your blog for awhile, but this is the first time I’ve commented. I’ve dealt with anxiety, too, and I highly recommend the book “From Panic to Power” by Lucinda Bassett. Thanks for the reminder about taking care of ourselves!
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bananas Reply:
September 8th, 2008 at 11:55 am
My doctor also recommended that book… I’ll be sure to check it out. Thanks for the tip and for commenting at last!!
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By staciesmadness on Sep 8, 2008 | Reply
um, yep, I have these “attacks” too…though mine feel like I have a full grown male sitting on my chest and I can’t get him off.
I am hoping to work though mine too, one therapy hour at a time.
staciesmadnesss last blog post..Stressed
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By Kerry Ann on Nov 25, 2008 | Reply
There have been times in my life, not as severe as your situation but serious in my mind that called for a realignment and in your case maybe it was just overdue. Thank God you/we got the message but maybe next time pay more attention to the warning signals… I know that has helped me. Just being conscious of where I am and what is going on inside.
Kerry Anns last blog post..Tummy Tuck Post Op Preparations
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By Chris on Mar 7, 2009 | Reply
I know how you feel- I have severe depression and panic attacks and insomnia… and have done for my whole life- I have only ben getting treatment since I was 18 since my family don’t believe that depression is really a problem. One thing that helps is to listen to the The Fray… How to save a life and Over my head are too songs which help me focus…
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By Chris on Mar 7, 2009 | Reply
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmFi2snLr7o&feature=channel is the song that helps…
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