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On the first day
September 4, 2008 – 10:51 pmI look across the sea of people at the freshly scrubbed faces, carefully combed hair, brand-new shirts and backpacks and saucer-wide eyes. I can feel the air buzzing with nervous excitement.
“When do you think the bell will ring?” Jay asks me.
I look at my watch. “Any minute.”
“Mommy!” CJ tugs at my sleeve, “Mommy when will kindergarten start?”
“Any minute,” I tell him.
Any minute.
And then the bell rings and CJ’s eyes widen with what just might be panic. He grabs my hand and we join the crowd jostling its way inside.
***
If I had to put money on who is more nervous- the parents or the kids- I’d put money on the parents. Standing around the room, huddled by the cubbies, crouching beside desks…
The room is unusually quiet for 27 five year olds and assorted adults, charged with energy. All eyes are on Mrs. H.
It’s clear that to everyone in the room from five years old to fifty, this woman with the kind eyes and stern voice and long steel-grey hair, this woman who is the TEACHER is also unequivocably the boss.
“You can go now,” she tells the parents. And quietly, we file out.
***
Twisting emotions tug at me as I walk away from the school, and I feel tears welling up.
I’ve looked forward to this day for so long. Now that it’s here, I feel strangely sad.
I walk into a very empty house and sit down on the couch. The aquarium bubbles, but otherwise the house is silent.
What will I do? Six hours stretch out before me, frightening with possibility.
There are SO MANY things that I was planning to do. But now, in this moment, I find myself reticent to take the first step, choosing instead to sit and stare at nothing.
Tomorrow I’ll be more productive, I tell myself.
Today I just need to absorb.
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By ame i. on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
My girls are in 3rd and 5th grade this year. One would figure I would be an old pro at this back to school business, even with my 5th grader moving to a new school this year.
I admit that I sat and watched the clock the first day both of them were back in class. I admit that I look forward to 2:15 every day and don’t mind sitting in 2 pick up lines for an hour.
I am so ready for Christmas vacation.
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By Carla on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
I happen to think that staring at nothing is productive. It is good to just BE in the moment.
Hard to imagine a quiet house. :)
Carlas last blog post..Aubrey
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By pgoodness on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
staring at nothing is something. we so rarely get to do that, especially as mamas. I hope you both enjoyed your first day.
pgoodnesss last blog post..Off to school!
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By chilihead on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
I totally relate. This is the first year I haven’t gone into a deep depression when the kids go back to school. Six hours of alone time is daunting when you know it’s for five days a week and it’s been so long since you’ve had it.
You’ll make it. We all do. But it’s still hard sometimes.
chiliheads last blog post..Mighty Helpful Links
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By Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
I’ve had this same experience. My vote is for curling up in bed and sleeping away that first day. Cause I’m all about two things: denial, and extra sleep.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..Palin and A New Mommy War?
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By Carrie on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Oh, I can practically feel the angst coming off my computer screen! Good idea to just give yourself some time, you need a day to be a little sad. Hope CJ’s enjoying school!
Carries last blog post..12:30 AM
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By Reluctant Housewife on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
It is really weird at first, isn’t it? You’ll get used to it. Happy 1st day.
Reluctant Housewifes last blog post..Still Cleaning
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By Doll Clothes Gal on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
First time on your blog - I love it.
Some of the bset ideas come when you are staring into space wraped in your own thoughts.
Doll Clothes Gals last blog post..Wordless Wednesday - American Girl With Kite
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By Queen of Shake Shake on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Yes, I too have that list of all the things I can do now that both of the boys are in school.
Would you like to see how much I’ve crossed off the list in three weeks?
Did you see it?
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..How Can a Dull Wallflower Turn into a Farting GapMom with Friends?
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By Mrs. F on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
You have been on my list of favorite bloggers for a while, but lately you are my VERY favorite. Maybe it is because I can so closely relate, having sent my baby off to Kinder last month. Whatever the case, you are awesome. Your words. They are straight from the heart.
Mrs. Fs last blog post..Take Me Out To The Ball Game
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By Kathryn on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
This post puts a lump in my throat.
*sniff, sniff*
Kathryns last blog post..Indecision
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By Rachael on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Amazing post. I still have 3 years until I have to sit around and process that my kid is in Kindergarten, but even so I know I won’t be ready when it happens.
Rachaels last blog post..An Inconvenient Truth
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By Honey Mommy on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Can I have your first six hours?
Right now I am trying to get both of my boys (who are both under 2 1/2 to take a nap so I can do what I want. Right now the older one is talking up a storm in his bed even though he hasn’t gone to sleep yet… so my time may end shortly. *sigh*
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By Wendy on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Tomorrow I’ll productive?? I’m giving myself a week at least of nonproductivity and “adjustment” time. It is much desired and bittersweet. I might need therapy….
Wendys last blog post..If you are a two-inch tall princess, have I got a place for you!
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By The Diaper Diaries on Sep 5, 2008 | Reply
Well I jst bawled like a baby this week at my daughters first day of Kind. I still have one at home so I am hoping that will be a valid excuse for the lack of productivity.
The Diaper Diariess last blog post..Frugal Fridays- Don’t Be A Diaper Snob
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By Chelsea on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
My youngest started school this year. My productivity seems to have manifested itself into trips to Target.
CJ’s class seems huge! Twenty-seven kids… You couldn’t pay me enough to teach kindergarten.
Chelseas last blog post..My Completely Superficial and Uneducated Summary of the Republican National Convention
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By Robin on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
My 5 year old started kindergarten this year. He is my oldest. (but the 2nd youngest of my brood). It was harder on me than him. He was SO excited. I’m just amazed that my BABY is ready for all day kindergarten. He has HOMEWORK. No naps. He eats in a big cafeteria. I worry about him. What if he drops his tray? What if he doesn’t know what to do? The school is BIG and Bubba is so SMALL. Sigh.
It tugs at the heart. It really does.
Robins last blog post..Life continues
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By Heidi on Sep 6, 2008 | Reply
Definitely the parents. You know what will happen, the kids are unaware. I think it is worse to know you will be sad and miss them gravely, even when you know they will have a great time.
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Heidis last blog post..i’ll have a warranty please
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