Google Analytics is one of my all-time favorite inventions. Right up there with blow-dryers and freezer waffles. Whenever I feel sort of blah I just log on to play a little game I like to call ‘what weird searches are leading people to my blog’?
I’m rarely disappointed.
First of all, it’s clear that I’m becoming the leading source of random banana information (or misinformation, actually) on the world wide web. And the stuff people want to know about bananas? It doesn’t give me much hope for the future of our species, to be honest.
And let me assure you, every single one of these search queries is totally real and NOT MADE UP. I copied them straight out of Google Analytics, misspellings and all.
10 things you want to know about banana
Fortunately, we have the google searches to answer this one…
are bananas hairy
No.
are bananas fattening
Like, how many bananas are we talking about eating here?
are bananas bad for your teeth
really? You’re worried about THAT? Get a life, seriously.
are brown spots on bananas contagious?
Yeah, I think so. I knew this lady who caught them and she turned spotted all over. Be afraid… be very afraid.
is it ok to rub banana on facial skin every day?
But WHY would you want to?
can you feed your tropical fish bananas
Ok, seriously, WHY?!
do bananas make you poop?
Let me give you the quickie primer on how the body works. You eat something; then you poop. Pretty simple, actually.
bananas make boobs big?
Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
how do they put stickers on bananas
Let’s see, how do I say this… they stick ‘em onto the banana. Next?
how do you know when bananas have gone bad
they shave stripes into their eyebrows, get a tattoo, and start carrying a gun.
bad things about being a banana
well, there’s the brown spots. And the being eaten. And the truth is, bananas get blamed for a whole lot of weird stuff. Take the following queries, for example.
banana causes double chins
no, eating too much causes double chins. I’m just saying…
do bananas cause gas
is there anything that DOESN’T cause gas? Or is that just my own personal problem?
banana beauty tips
Well, supposedly you rub them on your FACIAL SKIN. And they make your boobs big. But be careful of the brown spots… I hear they’re contagious.
good bananas gone bad
I’m thinking this is the next major Pixar film. Am I right?
things to make with old bananas
Honestly I can think of way more things NOT to make with old bananas.
Then there are the other non-banana but still really weird searches. I try to envision the people who type this stuff in and I just CAN’T. Take, for example…
what is that heavy feeling near my heart
mmm… gas?
you dont even know about jelly
aww! That’s just MEAN!
“giving him a piggyback ride”
“Sure you were”
hairy all over
I think you’re actually looking for my brother-in-law’s blog…
“nerves causes gas”
Everything. I’m telling you… everything causes gas!
have another banana
thanks, I think i will
best butt award
aw! That’s just sweet!
big butt award
Ok, Not Funny.
big butt blog
Hey! Stop it already!
big butt lover blog
Well, I guess if you’ve got it you’ve gotta learn to love it, right?
is your butt big or are you just fat
Does it matter, really?
bump on actually eyeball what is it
well my actually doctor tells me it’s a penguicula
chicken poopy butt
CJ? Is that you?
cute names for penis
I dunno… maybe ‘happy’ or ‘cuddles’? This one scares me just a little.
gas-x where does the gas go
The age-old question.
how can you shrink your head size
drugs?
how do I get my five year old son to stop telling me no and running from me
lady, if I knew the answer to this I’d be a very rich woman.
how long dose a duck stay with its mom
not that long. Duck parenting isn’t all its quacked up to be.
how to tickle torture your husband
Jay and I will get right to work researching this one.
I dont know what the heck to do in a time like this it is very boring and i dont know what the answer is
Hmmm… I don’t know… maybe GO TO BED?!?!?!
i found a fly in my soup should i throw the soup away
Let me think… YES. YES. YES YES YES YES YES!
i love my donkey graphics
don’t we all?
is it ok to apply vinegar directly on lips?
um, why? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
ped egg cheese eat
no. nonononono. no you DIDN’T.
poopy but
CJ?
put friends face onto a squirrel photoshop
now this sounds like a GREAT idea.
See, wasn’t that fun?! (sorry Jay)
Here’s the deal if you want to join in.
Write about something funny. It can be an anecdote, a joke, a picture, or a link to something funny… whatever. This is a NO PRESSURE scenario. If it makes you chuckle, it’s good enough. I don’t mean to create a stressful IS IT FUNNY ENOUGH type situation, if you know what I’m sayin’. Anyone can participate.
So you write the post. Then come and link it here so that we can all enjoy the funniness.
If you participate, here’s the code to get the fabulous donkey graphic shown above;
And I should think it goes without saying but JUST IN CASE… any links that don’t go to a Make Me Laugh post on your blog will be deleted, promptly.
And one more thing… several of us read these entries with a child sitting in our lap. Please use an exclamation point at the beginning of your link title if it’s not suitable for young eyes. Happy Monday!
If you’re reading this post in an email, you’ll have to click here to see my video and the other Make Me Laugh Monday entries.
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xo Jen
May 5, 2008 at 12:06 am
These are so funny- I can’t believe people have questions like this- jeez. I don’t see Mr. Linky up yet- is he coming? :-)
May 5, 2008 at 3:29 am
This is crazy! Haha, what you’ll find on the net really does not cease to amaze me!
May 5, 2008 at 4:04 am
I love, love, LOVE seeing the searches that bring people to my blog! But YOUR SEARCHES take the cake!!! I think the last one was my favorite!
May 5, 2008 at 5:46 am
Some of these really make you wonder what people are thinking. I like the mean jelly one the best. What on earth could that possibly mean??!!
May 5, 2008 at 6:07 am
Scary, funny, but scary. Lol.
May 5, 2008 at 6:09 am
What is WRONG with some people?
My favorite ever for my blog was “How do I institutionalize myself?”. I couldn’t decide if I should laugh or cry. They were from Seattle…are you okay up there?
May 5, 2008 at 6:15 am
People are definitely weird. Not me. Other people.
http://awholelotofnothing.net/good-advice-when-digging-for-black-gold/
May 5, 2008 at 7:04 am
The face on the squirrel is hysterical. Isn’t this a fun way to spend a little evening?
May 5, 2008 at 7:07 am
If people have questions like this, somewhere there’s been a breakdown in basic training to be a human. Makes for a funny Monday, though.
May 5, 2008 at 7:09 am
Okay, I so like your’s better than mine. I get “Hairy Mommas” and lots of “diarrhea” ones (okay I can see those…I do write about that a LOT) “Spanking the police” okay I would like to spank STING. It is great to know that the crazies don’t just target me I guess, and that they are (Safely) confined in their homes.
May 5, 2008 at 7:23 am
These were too funny! Thanks for sharing :)
May 5, 2008 at 7:35 am
hey, I even remembered to link directly to the post page. (sorry I didn’t before, wasn’t on purpose – just wasn’t thinking)
Today, I’m picking on my husband.
May 5, 2008 at 8:33 am
Hysterical.. I just posted about my analytics and now yours.. people really are doing some strange searches on this here internet.. hahah
May 5, 2008 at 8:45 am
I love that. Now when I have banana questions, I know where to turn. And, oh, I have banana questions, don’t doubt that for a minute!
May 5, 2008 at 9:32 am
oh my gosh. Google does always come thru. doesn’t it?? The squirrel pic is too much!! you are ever so talented!
May 5, 2008 at 9:54 am
Thanks for the laugh! First time visiting your blog and I’m think’n I’m gonna have to blog roll this one!
May 5, 2008 at 11:04 am
I’m dying laughing over here. I always love to read crazy google searches, but you my dear explain them the best!
May 5, 2008 at 12:05 pm
love when you do the search terms posts… the answers kill me!… Especially the “CJ?”
May 5, 2008 at 12:31 pm
That is really crazy.
May 5, 2008 at 3:21 pm
“how can you shrink your head size?” I love that someone googled that in the first place.
May 5, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Ha–lar–i–ous seriously.
Why are people so…strange?
May 5, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Very funny.
That ped egg thing keeps showing up on my searches and I have never mentioned it ever. so weird.
you know a lot about bananas.
May 5, 2008 at 8:08 pm
These are hilarious…. I was checking mine last night…. I don’t have as many interesting inquiries as you though!
May 5, 2008 at 8:10 pm
Your husband is a very cute(and manly) squirrel.
May 6, 2008 at 9:45 am
OMG everything about this post made me laugh. And laugh. And laugh. So I guess your mission was accomplished then, eh.
Poopy butt
CJ?
hehehehehe.
May 6, 2008 at 1:05 pm
absolutely hilarious. I have to wonder, though, why some of those searches led to YOUR BLOG.
May 6, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Okay, been meaning to comment. That was HILARIOUS. With that whole banana thing you got goin’ on, you’re definitely getting the best searches – HA!
May 6, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I was just thinking today that I missed you and had to come and see what you’re up to these days. Oh my gosh, girl. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying here. These are awesome.
May 7, 2008 at 10:42 am
I just snorted at my desk.