This squeezing feeling just inside my heart
April 11, 2008 – 2:29 amJay: You’re pacing. Pacing and sighing.
Me: (laughs uncomfortably) I know.
Jay: Pacing and sighing is never a good sign.
I walk to the end of the room and sigh.
He’s right. I AM pacing and sighing.
Jay: You don’t have to go, you know.
Me: I know. But I want to go.
Jay: Well you’re not acting like it.
Me: It’s just that I feel guilty. (I pause, and then turn and walk back across the room) Also I don’t want to die in a fiery crash and leave CJ motherless.
Jay: Well that’s a risk you take every day… when you’re driving around.
Me: Gee thanks, that’s awfully sympathetic.
Jay: It’s true. You need to get over this.
~
Tomorrow morning bright and early I’m heading out with three girlfriends for a weekend of fun and relaxation in the mountains wherein we lounge about in hot springs, hike the glorious forest trails, practice yoga in the pristine air and giggle and gab like 4th graders.
I am so excited.
And yet I am plagued by this vague feeling of unease. The same feeling that I get EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to do something fun without my little peanut.
Leaving CJ is hard no matter how much I want, need, and can’t wait to do it. Even when it’s for only a couple of days. Even when it’s for my own good. Even when he’ll be perfectly fine without me.
It’s the curse of motherhood, I think.
The little varmints get under your skin and there’s no sense trying to dig them out. You are stuck with them; latched onto your heart like suckling pigs.
Does it get any easier?
When he’s older and pimplier and more surly will I skip out of the house without looking back?
When he’s grown and gone and living his own life will I re-enter my own life and give him only a passing thought?
Or must I learn to live with this squeezing feeling just inside my heart?
I’m afraid I already know the answer.
It is to decide forever to have your heart
walking around outside your body.
***
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Mother. Coffee drinker. Information seeker. Skeptic. Creative. Dreamer. Schemer. Absolutely Bananas.
By Mrs. F on Apr 10, 2008 | Reply
What a beautiful quote!
I think we all know that this feeling that is motherhood is not fleeting at all. Love, love, love.
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By Amanda on Apr 10, 2008 | Reply
I feel this way when I go out of town without my daughter. This Fall I went to Vegas with some (childless) friends. It was very difficult for me. It was even more difficult, because while I tried to have a fabulous time, I really missed having someone attached to my side and pulling on my shirt.
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By stephanie on Apr 10, 2008 | Reply
I’ve always loved that quote - it is a perfect image for that bittersweet feeling we moms have.
And being a teacher + mom is particularly wrenching at times…
(But GO, have fun!)
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By Mrs. Schmitty on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
It is so hard, isn’t it? But when mama is refreshed and rested, she’ll make for a better mama. You deserve it, he’ll be fine…and I know with my kids, now that they are a little older, it’s good for them to miss you once in a while. It reminds them how much they love you.
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By Honeybell on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
I feel like this when I go to the grocery store without the two year old Monkey Butt. But the pimply 12 year old with the newfound sarcasm and rolling eyes? Sista I sneak out the door so he won’t join me.
Have a great time.
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By My Life My Life My Life on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
Perfect quote and so true. Even with my 14 and 12 year olds, I love me time, will plan like mad to have some but soon as it comes close to that leaving them for an extended amount of time moment, it bothers me. Even in the middle of having a blast I will wonder how they are, if they would like to do or see something. I just look at it as a reminder of how blessed I have it in having them.
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By Amy on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
It gets a little easier, but that quote is dead on.
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By carrie on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
That is one of my favorite quotes!
And no, it still pains me when I’m gone. It may take a little longer for the guilt to creep up, but there it is, just the same as when they are little!
That’s when an extra margarita comes in handy! Have fun, try to relax and enjoy your girly time!
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By skiplovey on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
Y’know whenever I feel bad for going somewhere I think about the special time that my little guy and my husband are going to have together, time that we have together everyday but they don’t. So think of this as bonding time for the fellas.
And much needed relaxation time for mom!
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By Queen of Shake-Shake on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
I’m not sure. Mine’s 7.5 and every day when he’s at school I miss him. Well, ok. Not every day because he can be a jerk, but I’d say 4 out of 5 days I do.
I don’t like leaving mine either, even if it’s for my own good.
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By Rima on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
I get that way every time I’m about to go somewhere without the kidz. My OCD tendencies kick into full gear and I find myself lining up my anxiety medications by height inside the medicine cabinet (OK, just one anxiety medication, the rest are vitamins.)
The hardest part is actually leaving. As soon as I’m en route, the worries fall away (sort of.)
Your trip sounds like a blast! I hope you are able to enjoy yourself
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By Kimmylyn on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
I always, ALWAYS feel like this even if I go to something silly like Target without the boys.
I hope you relax, kick back and have a GREAT time!!
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By the planet of janet on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
it gets both easier and harder as they grow up.
sometimes i long for the clingy days. my heart is currently faraway in college, and it simultaneously wonderful and horrible.
i guess that wasn’t too encouraging, huh? sorry.
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By Eve on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply
Oh my goodness I know just how you feel. I was the one crying in my room that night like a wee child during BlogHer,
and I LOVE THAT QUOTE! IT’s beautiful!
Have a great time! Those girls are lucky to be hanging out with you!
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By mommypie on Apr 12, 2008 | Reply
In July I’ll be going on a vacation with my five best, old middle school/high school/etc. girlfriends. We’re heading to Hawaii to celebrate our all turning 40 this year. It’s something we’ve planned for literally a decade.
Like you, I’m SO excited, but I know as soon as the date draws near I’m going to be a wreck. I HATE having to leave my daughter, and worry about every imaginable scenario.
I console myself with the belief that getting away every now and then is not only good for me, it’s good for her.
It’s a hard sell.
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By Jo Beaufoix on Apr 13, 2008 | Reply
I think it will stay forever. I am just the same. The first time Mr B took both girls to his mum’s without me I was so stressed it hurt. I suppose it’s good that it comes from love, but ouch.
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By Patty on Apr 13, 2008 | Reply
I hope you had a wonderful weekend!
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By Bridget on Apr 13, 2008 | Reply
Wow, i get the same feeling from only takeing a 2 hr errand run. I couldnt imagine going out of town. (I havent yet, without my beeboos and they are 3 and 5!)Is there hope for me? lol
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By Carla on Apr 18, 2008 | Reply
I love that quote! My children are 23 and 15 and I STILL feel that way!
Hope you had a great time with your girlfriends
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