The other day I woke up to find CJ huddled over a BIG FAT HAIRY SPIDER that was huddled in a corner of the kitchen.
This thing was seriously the size of my FIST.
“Mommy, mommy, we have to CATCH it!” CJ shouts at me.
I rub my eyes and glance longingly towards the coffee maker. Like most noble things in life, being a GOOD mom is rarely convenient.
Ok, so we we need to catch this hairy beast. Preferably without touching it.
I look around and find a “disposable” plastic storage container. You know, the ones that SAY disposable on the box but that you never actually throw away. Because, well, why WOULD you? Now I know.
Here’s where I should probably interrupt this story to tell you that I AM NOT AFRAID OF SPIDERS. They are little and small and even when they’re big they’re still a whole lot smaller than me. There are much scarier things in life than a little 8-legged insect, is my position on the matter.
However, on this specific occasion the sheer size and HAIRINESS of our spider friend coupled by its nearness to my HAND as I attempt to catch it gives me a full-on case of the shudders coupled by a gargling gurgling URGGHHHH sound. I can’t help it… it’s visceral.
“Mommy,” CJ asks, “Why are you ACTING like that?”
I do a little hopping dance as the last of the shudders convulse my weary body. “I guess… well, I guess sometimes spiders make mommies act funny,” I tell him.
But somehow, even with all the shuddering groaning grimacing goose-bumping that I’m doing, I actually manage to CATCH THE THING in my little plastic bowl. I then carefully and SCIENTIFICALLY use a steak knife to poke breathing holes (and narrowly avoid impaling our new special friend).
This would be an ideal time for me to display a PICTURE of the spider, right?
The problem that I have with pictures is that they have a way of showing the extent to which I’ve exaggerated a tale. So instead I’ll use these pictures as examples of what we were dealing with.
(You’re shuddering, aren’t you… and maybe gurgling too?? You can’t help it… It’s visceral.)
So anyway, back to our tale.
After my morning cup of coffee, my brain slowly begins to turn and I have the BRILLIANT idea that, hey! we should bring the spider to preschool!
(CJ’s teachers are going to LOVE me!)
We climb in the car, CJ clutching his special spider friend for the entirety of the ride. “DO NOT OPEN THAT CONTAINER EVEN JUST A LITTLE!” I caution him. And, miraculously, he obeys.
We get to preschool and CJ excitedly shows his spider off to the teachers and children. (One of the teachers is giving me the old stink-eye, but I pretend not to see. After all, this is a LEARNING MOMENT. At least that’s what I tell myself.)
“I was thinking we’d let it go outside after school,” I tell them. “Of course, if you want to let the children do it here, be my guest.”
One of the other moms has been observing our exchange and suddenly interrupts. “Did you know that there are two kinds of spiders?” she asks me, “There are INSIDE spiders and OUTSIDE spiders. And, well, inside spiders need to stay inside or they will die.”
She looks at me meaningfully.
I look back at her in disbelief.
“Well I guess we’ll just have to take that chance,” I say, and exit the building QUICKLY.
I mean, I want to be a good person and all, but I have my limits.
And making room in my household for a FIST-SIZED SPIDER? Not part of my moral fiber. Not even an ITSY BITSY bit.
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February 7, 2008 at 11:04 am
What, you didn’t name the spider? Wow, you are a cold, cold, lady. :)
February 7, 2008 at 11:08 am
Oh I’m glad you reminded me, missburrows, we DID name the spider! Well, CJ did actually. “Snow-manny”. (I’m not making this up)
February 7, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Screw the inside spiders, I say. Screw ‘em.
I have no mercy for spiders of any shape, size of habitat. Can you tell?
You are very brave.
February 7, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Oh my gosh. That picture of your furry friend gave me a panic attack…I thought it would be a regular picture, and the spider small, but NOOOOOOO. Here comes freaking huge spider-rilla!!!!!
Aye aye aye!
February 7, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Please tell me she did not expect you to let that thing go in your house? I would have said to her, “Right. Well, you’re welcome to take it home with you if you’d like.” :::shudders:::
February 7, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I HATE SPIDERS! I am now running away, shrieking so I can find a corner and sit with my knees up and rock silently back and forth.
They are creepy. They are crawly. They are hairy. And they make an inordinate amount of goo when they are squashed. I HATE THEM!
February 7, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Well, maybe she could take it to her house and make it a little nest…. Inside spiders my rear.
February 7, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Bahaha, you made me snort!
I would have offered the spider to Miss Nosey Pants to take home with her!
February 7, 2008 at 3:58 pm
We have a rule around here that if it’s outside, we leave them alone, but if we find spiders or other bugs in our domain, they’re free to be squished.
February 7, 2008 at 4:17 pm
“Inside” spiders and “outside” spiders?? As far as I am concerned, they should all be “Outside, far, far away from my house and anything else I own” spiders. (Yes, I am afraid of spiders, alright??)
February 7, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Ok, people…if there are spiders inside it means that they are EATING something that is inside your house.
Think about that.
I only kill inside spiders if they get in my way.
February 7, 2008 at 5:04 pm
“inside spiders”? Is that woman for real? What does she think spiders did before there were people around to harrass? There’s no such thing as an inside spider. Not in my world anyway.
Anyway, given CJ’s track record with his spiders friends the spider is probably safer off outside.
February 7, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Reading all that set my hair on end, complete with prickles and a bit of stomach gurgling.
My husband refuses to kill spiders and gently puts them outside whenever I find one. I’m just know one of these days he’s going to regret it when a spider jumps at him and gives him the bit of death.
February 7, 2008 at 5:40 pm
ONLY in the Northwest would some super eco-friendly mom know this and mention it because spiders deserve to live too. Snerk.
February 7, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Maybe it could be let go IN oh I dunno,say a big barn, that people don’t live in?
February 7, 2008 at 6:26 pm
ha ha ha ha ha. I’m laughing only because you tell a funny story and I didn’t have to catch the thing. :) Was it what they call a fishing spider? http://www.whatsthatbug.com has fabulous photos so you can identify it. I remember reading about some hand-size spiders (common in Texas) that are hairy and sometimes even blue. I don’t know about Seattle. But, seriously, anything the size of your hand is no permanently indoor spider because you just might have noticed it around before. Ya think??!?
February 7, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Yeah – I’d have told the other mom ‘here ya go, you let it loose in your house then :)’
I’m not deathly afraid of spiders either – but you did way better than me I’d have been looking for something with which to squish it!
February 7, 2008 at 7:00 pm
You should have said, “Oh, how nice of you to offer to take it home!”
February 7, 2008 at 9:00 pm
spiders definitely make me act funny! ugh!
February 7, 2008 at 9:09 pm
okay, little teeny spiders (or daddy long legs) in my house, not a big deal. I have a gnat problem in the summer and I’m more than happy to let them help me out. Big spiders, not so much. The worst time ever to come across a spider? When you are naked. I kid you not. One time I got out of the shower at my parents house and there was a BIG spider on the floor. I felt so vulnerable. I squished it with the bottom of the trash can.
Also, don’t go to a tropical country. We had spiders living behind the fluorescent lights in our bathroom… which we had to shower under. Shivers.
February 7, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Chicken.
You should have sent him over here. My son wants an INSIDE spider for a pet.
And I think that’s a much better idea than the snake he keeps wishing for.
February 7, 2008 at 9:32 pm
“Not even an itsy bitsy bit.”
Awesome!!
February 7, 2008 at 11:39 pm
A spider that big? In Seattle? Holy crap! I may have to move. I thought those suckers only lived in the tropics and like, Georgia. Alaska, here I come.
February 8, 2008 at 7:17 am
Oh My God. I hate spiders. I hate them, hate them, hate them. Outside, fine–that is their domain. In my house, no mercy. I scream and run and cry and would literally rip the skin off my body if a spider that big touched me. So, basically, you are brave and I am a wimp. I would have sprayed a whole can of Raid on the thing and then left it twitching under the tupperware until my husband could properly dispose of it. Blech.
February 8, 2008 at 7:17 am
I’m not freaked by spiders either. Until I see one with a red hourglass shape on its belly in my porch and that’s when I crap my pants. (Really, is it not bad enough that we have rattlesnakes and coral snakes here, but we have to have black widows too?)
Inside vs. Outside spiders? Really? Um, yeah. You should have told that lady that the killing of the inside spider is just another scientific learning experience of transferring energy from visible to invisible form. That would have shut her up. ha!
February 8, 2008 at 1:06 pm
normally i don’t take issue with spiders…but fist-sized?? hell no!
February 8, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Inside and outside spiders? Well maybe you should have told her that since she clearly knows a lot more about spiders than you do, she could take it and find it an inside home.
February 8, 2008 at 2:14 pm
The pictures just gave me heart failure.. UGH HATE SPIDERS.
February 11, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I hate spiders – hate them!
February 12, 2008 at 12:06 am
I made the mistake of buying my daughter the bug vacuum, which has a magnifying glass, to make the captured bug look bigger than it already is, and oh my Lord, I’m just imagining if she had caught CJ’s spider in that thing and what it would have looked like and I am going to go bury the bag vacuum now. And sprinkle holy water on it.
Debbie
sandiegomomma.com
February 14, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Bacteria and viruses are even smaller than spiders, and they can kill you quite effectively. And they’re not even as creepy and gross. I’m going to be imagining spiders crawling on me for the rest of the day now. Ick.
February 25, 2008 at 5:53 am
I’m with Chilihead on this one.
Spiders are evil. That’s all there is to it. I hate them. They all must die. I don’t care if they eat flies and other insects…I’ll buy Venus Fly trap plants and No-Pest Strips.
I mean seriously, look at poor little Miss Muffett who to this day is still suffering from PTSD because of a freakin spider! No good can come of spiders, NONE!
BTW, thanks for your awesome blogginess, I’m having a great time reading you.
August 12, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Actually…
Indoor spiders are usually small,
there are exceptions.
Also there are spiders that live indoor
as well as outdoor, but that is very rare.
I’m assuming that the spider’s size was an exaggeration if you live in Seattle it was probably a Giant House Spider.
But, even if you did put it outside,
I’m sure it’d find it’s way back in.
July 31, 2009 at 11:10 pm
they would still survive outside.. they are just deemed inside spiders because that’s usually where their kind are found, I have a spider book, lol.
July 31, 2009 at 11:07 pm
What is wrong with that woman??? Inside spiders my biscuts! My wife would kill me if I didn’t die from fear myself! No such thing as an inside spider, they would all be extinct from the days humans didn’t have shelter.
Snow-manny.. cute but no spider I ever see will live long enough to have a name, lol. My buddy has his wife kill spiders for him, lol.
Thanks for your interesting/freaky story. What state do you live in with spiders that big? I don’t want to live there…
July 31, 2009 at 11:08 pm
by the way.. some Daddies act funny too, lol