Parenting by the book

February 27, 2008 – 8:30 pm

There are times when I feel like patting myself on the back or giving myself a big old high five because I am such an awesome parent. Oh if only everyone could parent like me, I think, I’m just SO good at it, and then I strut around judging others and generally feeling smug.

But big heads are not attractive; everyone knows that. And the good thing about children is that they’re really, REALLY skilled at keeping their parents’ heads from enlarging, expanding or growing even the tiniest bit.

The INSTANT that I start to feel smug about my parenting tactics, CJ is there to slap me down.

Oh no you don’t! and WHAM! he’s throwing a full-fledged tantrum in the most public of places or KAZAM! he’s racing around the house with a knife or BLAM! (everyone’s favorite) he’s locked me in my bedroom because if you slam the door just right the handle falls off and then MOMMY CAN’T GET OUT (evil laugh here).

The last month or so has been so full of parenting catastrophes that now I’m at the point where I think I REALLY SHOULDN’T BE DOING THIS because it’s likely that a chihuahua or even a sourdough biscuit could parent better than me.

Typically when I feel desperate and needy I turn to the library. I browse through stacks of books and pull every single one that looks like it might possibly be able to provide the MAGIC SOLUTION to my problem.

Which is how I end up with a stack of 10 or 12 parenting books (all due back in 2 weeks).

Jay sees my stack and looks at me like I’m crazy… and maybe I am. But the fact is that I don’t know the answers and so I figure there must be someone out there who does… and surely if you had the answers, wouldn’t you write a book about it? At least that’s what I’m hoping.

So far I’ve read about the perils of television (oh the horror!), why having stuff is bad, the importance of play, HOW to play with your child, parenting without fear, and Parenting with Love and Logic (the lesser known “Parenting with Hate and Stupidity” must have been all checked out).

It all sounds so good in theory… I read each book and think, YES! OF COURSE! THIS IS WHAT IS MUST DO! But then brutal reality of actually having a four-year old takes hold and I find myself plagued by uncertainty and indecision.

CJ throws a platter at my head and I stand, frozen.

WAIT! This isn’t in the book!

What would a Love & Logic parent do?

How do I let the NATURAL CONSEQUENCE make this moment into a SIGNIFICANT LEARNING OPPORTUNITY (SLO)?

My brain begins to melt and run out my ears and onto the floor… meanwhile CJ is off and onto his next trick.

I’ll just clean up this puddle of brain melt and think about the right response for NEXT TIME, I think, yes, next time I will have figured out JUST what to do.

And my little criminal gets of scot-free.

But the next time comes and CJ pulls something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT (and also not covered in those blasted books) and I find myself once again standing in a puddle of brain with no words and my mouth gaping open.

I’m beginning to think it might be more effective to just bang the books against my head.

***
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28 Responses to “Parenting by the book”

  1. By janet on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    those kids … they’re full of tricks to get you every time.

    personally, though, i’m thinking a sourdough biscuit could make a pretty good parental substitute. at least he wouldn’t starve….

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  2. By pixie on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    Those books will only come in handy the next time you’re locked in your bedroom… to prop the door open.

    Every kid is different and there is no “magic” book to tell us how to figure them out. Most of those books are written by psychologists that have no kids anyway! Stick to your instincts — you sound like a great mom to me :)

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  3. By magnolia mama on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    I’m a Love & Logic fan but half of the time I can’t think of what to do in the moment.

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  4. By Susan on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    I am the same way! When the going gets tough, I get a book (or 12). I think you sometimes get good tips from them, but in the end, you have to figure out what works best for you and your kid.

    Susan at Working Moms Against Guilt

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  5. By Jerseygirl89 on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    My attitude is the more books I read, the more things that may be floating through my head at the crucial moment. And since I haven’t locked them into their rooms so I can have a weekend off and/or throttled them, I think the books may be helping.

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  6. By bananasDH on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    I can certainly help with banging books over your head, if you like…

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  7. By crunchy carpets on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    I have given up on the books..I know that ‘advice’ helps..but yeah..every kid is different..not to mention…if it doesn’t ‘feel’ right to me it ain’t gonna stick.

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  8. By Chris Austria on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    I thought I was pretty good too until my eldest ended up in jail for bringing his martial arts throwing stars to shool to show off to his friends…Now even if I give advice on parenting I will never say that I am an expert. The truth is the children are the experts.

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  9. By Amy on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    I like this too. I know what I should have done aywhere from 10 minutes to three later. Especially when they are teens!

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  10. By Olymom on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    I used to FIRMLY believe that you get what you expect from your kids. Now I KNOW it’s not true….except with some kids, in many cases, depending on the DNA involved! In other words, relax, Jenny. CJ will be just fine because of and in spite of his parenting. And how many psychologists do you know of with superior kids? Susan said it best….it’s what works for you and your kids.

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  11. By Queen of Shake-Shake on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    See girlfriend, this is why I had a big Southern bonfire where there were beers and wieners, and we threw all of the parenting books we owned into the flames.

    We’ve been parenting by instinct ever since and it’s the best thing ever!

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  12. By MommyTime on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    Apparently we have the same four-year-old, which is funny, since we don’t even live in the same state. I can tell you, however, that all the books I’ve read didn’t really do much. I have no particular advice, only commiseration. Also, at least you know that when he’s throwing things, he still loves you “Much-er” — which does count for something.

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  13. By All Adither on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply

    I wish I didn’t dislike playing so much. No parenting book can change that. And how grinchish does that make me sound?

    Angie
    http://www.AllAdither.com

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  14. By ashi.kacheria on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply

    Great post and great tips!! Children are always enthusiastic about growing in life to become excellent individuals. Thus, they usually have the urge to prove their mark in which ever way they can. The only thing they require to be a champion is the support of a good parent like you. You as a parent can boost their morale to a great extent. In fact, a parent’s influence on a child is the utmost. This is the place from where I get great tips for parenting http://www.goodparenting.co.in

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  15. By Val on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply

    This will make you feel better…I always relish in other parents nightmares!
    This happened when daughter was about 18 months or so…..I was taking the trash out, and if you know me, I have a phone glues to my hand (thank god). As I was walking back up the steps to the house, daughter was standing at the storm door…I turned the knob and nothing….it was locked! That little bugger locked the knob on the storm door! I went around the house and all the other doors and windows were locked also. So I sat for a minute or so trying to coax her to unlock the door….nothing.
    I had to call my Father in Law to bring tools so I could get back into the house…all the while talking to daughter so she wouldn’t wander anywhere and get hurt. After that day, I always keep a key hidden outside just in case!

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  16. By We are THAT Family on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply

    You crack me up. I can totally relate.

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  17. By ReesePie on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply

    the Love & Logic book is pretty good… I think it’s most valuable for creating a general attitude of “I love you but I’m going to punish you anyway…”

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  18. By Rosie on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply

    I have many parenting books too covering every single topic undere the sun. The problem is that I just don’t get time to read them.

    I’m still on the ‘Caring for you Newborn’ chapter and my daughter is now 4!

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  19. By carrie on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply

    I know. We are all trying to figure it out as we go, aren’t we?

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  20. By Ali on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply

    boo to parenting books, which are almost as bad as pregnancy books…guts are sooo much better! (and cheaper too!)

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  21. By Sara on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply

    When you figure it all out let me know. My kids keep changing once I’ve gotten them figured out.

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  22. By psychmom on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply

    Loved your post. I totally agree and I am one of those who is supposed to know the answers in the books. Guess what? They don’t always work for me either, but I keep on trying, that’s part of the journey I guess..Kids like to keep us entertained. Visit my blog, I just started but maybe I can help with some parenting skills: http:/psychmom.typepad.com/psychmomreflections. Good luck…

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  23. By Day Dreamer on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply

    My parents didn’t read any books on parenting and we turned out just fine.

    twitch. twitch. grunt.

    At least you have an idea on what do do some of the time….

    Of course, the moments like your post below are worth it right? Right?

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  24. By Heather on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply

    Thanks for the laugh. Your story sounds very familiar. You better hide those books before CJ finds them and starts throwing them at your head.

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  25. By Jenni on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply

    I have read some parenting books, but I tend to learn by example. I’ve learned a lot by watching my sister and other friends parent.

    This works for learning things I don’t want to do as well!

    Of course knowing it and doing it are two different things…

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  26. By Mrs. Schmitty on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply

    You sound like I feel lately. I think I would have a concussion by now because I so would have taken to the books against my skull! Hang in there!

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  27. By skiplovey on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply

    I think the books jinx me. Everytime I start reading one and think this is the thing to follow, bam the kid starts acting up. Am trying to hardest to resist all nerd instincts to follow by the book and ride this stuff out for awhile.

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  28. By Rose on Mar 27, 2008 | Reply

    Where did you go? I was so excited when I found your blog and you seem to be on a hiatus…come out come out wherever you are!

    [Reply to this comment]

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