Fresh Air with a side of full-on nudity
February 20, 2008 – 8:00 amThe last three days have been positively DREAMY. Sunshine, blue skies, and warmth. It’s enough to make the most sullen of people COME ALIVE and I’m no exception.
This afternoon CJ and I skipped over to a nearby park to soak in the Vitamin D and get us some fresh air. This particular park has an amazing trail down the hill and into a ravine where you can follow a dirt path beside a babbling brook for about a half mile to a whole other park. With the steep hills on either side, dense forest around and the happy gurgling of the stream, you can almost imagine that you’re in the wilds of nature, far away from Seattle.
That is, until you see something in the wilds of nature that makes you realize you’re not so far away after all.
CJ and I wander down the path, looking for owls and wolves and other forest creatures. We stop every little while to throw sticks in the stream and watch them float beside us. We pick up the bits of moss that have fallen from the trees and roll them between our fingers. CJ dips his hand in the water and pronounces it COLD but soft.
When we reach the park at the end of the trail we stop to play a game of tag, which turns to picking the tiny daisies that grow in the grass and fastening them to our hair and clothes, which turns to sitting and soaking in the sun. My soul rejoices at the beauty of this afternoon. It doesn’t get any better than this!
Finally I decide that it’s time for us to head for home. We start back down the path and see two teenage boys approaching. As our paths cross, one of the boys says, “Um, you might not want to go that way,” he gestures in the direction that we are headed. The other boy has a sly grin on his face.
“Um, ok… why?” I ask.
He leans in and whispers, “There’s some guy in the river back there. You know, bathing. Like FULLY bathing.”
Somehow in my mind bathing becomes swimming and I picture an addled senior in Speedo and swim cap.
“He’s harmless, I’m sure,” adds the teenager, “but I just wanted to, you know, warn you.”
“Thanks,” I say. CJ and I stand there for a minute. I look around. There really is only one way home that I know of. And what’s so bad about an elderly swimmer? Eccentric, sure, but who isn’t?
I lean down to look CJ in the eye. “CJ, there’s a sort of strange man in the water up ahead. I want you to hold mommy’s hand and not talk to him when we go by. Ok?”
CJ nods, his eyes wide. “Why is he in the water, mommy?” he asks. But I don’t respond. Because we’ve rounded the corner and suddenly, I see him.
He is NOT swimming.
He is NOT an elderly man.
And there is not a swim cap OR Speedo in sight.
He is bent over knee-deep in the babbling waters scrubbing his rear with a large bar of soap. It’s a very bare rear glistening at us in the dappled sunlight.
Just keep walking, says the voice inside my head.
Later I always wonder why I listen to the voice. Why didn’t I TURN AROUND when I had the chance? But in the moment, that voice is just so authoritative.
Don’t look don’t look don’t look don’t look don’t look don’t look don’t look don’t look…
The words create a marching rhythm in my head as we walk.
And then, of course, I look. Just as he stands up with his package proudly protruding.
I gasp in horror. Our eyes meet. I desperately look away.
The man, perfectly nonchalant, begins scrubbing his back.
I keep my eyes straight ahead and walk more quickly, willing someone to come around the corner so it’s more than just CJ and I and the man and his bizness.
CJ is gaping at this display of outdoor bathing and body-parts.
I am mentally berating myself for coming this way even after I was warned.
After what seems like AGES we finally turn the corner and leave the bather out of sight behind us.
“Mommy? Why was he DOING that?” CJ asks me.
“Well, I guess he wanted to get clean,” I answer. CJ nods. It makes perfect sense to him. In fact, he’s surprisingly unruffled.
We walk a bit further and I start to breathe more easily. I’m not sure why but I think somehow in the back of my mind I feared that the man would run after us with his soap and other items all flapping about. So I am very relieved to get back to the park and civilization where we’re safe from potential nudist threats.
And so, based on this encounter, I feel it is my duty to personally elevate the the Homeland Security-of-your-EYES-and-Sanity Level here in Seattle to BRIGHT FLAMING RED. The color of my face this afternoon, to be exact.
(Red = Severe risk of nudity just around the bend)
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
***
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Mother. Coffee drinker. Information seeker. Skeptic. Creative. Dreamer. Schemer. Absolutely Bananas.
By Krista on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
LMAO! That’s awesome. I had to share it with my husband because I was laughing so hard he wanted to know why.
Gotta leave it to Seattle… you know, ‘cuz it was 40 degrees and sunny (gasp!) that means you gotta take advantage of the perfect bathing weather!
At least the teenagers were kind enough to warn you… the snickering should have said it all! ;)
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By Amy on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Oh dear Lord! I’m actually not laughing (too much) because this would so happen to me!
You’d think he’s pick a less public place to wade in and wash up!
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By Leigh on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Holy Cow! For real? Wow. Quite scary, really.
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By Rosie on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
OH…MY…GOD!!!!! What a nightmare, but very funny. If I’d been there I wouldn’t have none whether to laugh or cry! Is it legal I wonder?
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By Rachel on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Sounds like you and CJ have issues whenever you go to the park.
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By Not the Queen on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Nice!
That was quite common up in Bellingham when I was going to school there. You could visit any number of secluded, waterfront parks down Chuckanut Drive and see naked people. It was very disturbing. Sometimes they weren’t alone, if you know what I mean…
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By Scout's Honor on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Ah…it’s nice to hear we aren’t the only family going mad sun-drunk. I loved this post. Made me think of my days in Berkeley watching the people bathing in Strawberry creak. BTW,I linked to this post on my blog. hope you don’t mind.
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By Jenny on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
That would be horrible in person but very funny to little ole me sitting in Georgia!
I wandered over from somewhere, how does that happen?? Anyway, thanks for a laugh!
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By Hillary on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Hee hee! How funny!
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By Annie on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
OMG! Your outings to parks and the like are never boring that’s for sure!
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By Wendy on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
First of all, BRRRRR!
Second, what park was this?? I spent time walking the dog alone on weekdays in Seattle and was sometimes nervous about certain wooded areas, but we never stumbled on a nekkid dude!
My Kid would probably want to get nekkid and wet, too….
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By Erin on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
I remember being about 8 in DC one summer and while we were lounging around the reflecting pool on the mall (by the Lincoln Memorial), we noticed a woman strip down and wade into the water. It was the same kind of thing: we all wanted to NOT look, but we just couldn’t help it. We HAD to look.
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By debawriter on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
That same kind of thing happened when we were taking our wedding pictures in the park…only he wasn’t bathing.
Deb
sandiegomomma.com
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By Mom of 5 on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
LMAO. I just saw a naked man wandering down the street last week. Thankfully I didn’t have to explain it to my children.
It’s one of those images that is forever embedded in your brain. I can’t remember my second grade teacher’s name to save my life, but I remember the naked man’s ass and package clear as a bell.
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By Miss Huckleberry on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Why do people do these things in public?!
Mr. H & I ventured out to the bar-scene (gasp!) once last year and as we were driving around looking for a parking space we interrupted some dude taking a poo! in the parking lot. Gross.
At least for both of us- there was no chasing involved…
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By Gustogirl on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
AAAAAGGGGH! That is hilarious, alarming and freaky all at the same time. The sun has been great the past few days though. I went to the park myself the other day. I am glad you escaped the crazy, naked “bather”.
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By Maureen on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Wow. The sun comes out and so do the crazies…. glad it’s - 48 C here; there is NO WAY we would have to watch a display like that!!!
And I just have to add… the word verification I have to type now is “nakeoho”…. that is just freaky!
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By Kori on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
so, I am coming to Seattle next month for a visit, so where exaclty IS this park? Satlwater? Greenlake? Please tell me; I wANT to see this guy! Nobody where I live would believe it in a million years. this will keep me laughing ALL NIGHT LONG!
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By janet on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
so glad that people in seattle want to be clean, whatever the sacrifice.
bwahahahahahaha
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By PixieVonAzia on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Well I haven’t encountered any nude people bathing in a warm day but we did have a story in my hometown of a priest running nude…At 4 in the morning.. In the cold =)
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By Queen of Shake-Shake on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Well, you are pretty far up north. The water must have been cold. I would think there would have been too much shriveling to do much flapping had he ran after you??
ha!
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By MommyTime on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
This story is great and so nutty –and great because it’s so nutty.
Just to make your day even better: did you know you’re number 2 on the Top 100 MomBlogs list that just came out? Check here. Way to go!
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By Karen (Pediascribe) on Feb 20, 2008 | Reply
Dang. Why don’t I ever get to see the nekkid ones??
HA!
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By skiplovey on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
That’s hilarious. Of course I probably wouldn’t think it’s hilarious at the moment if that had been me, egads what a sight.
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By Brad Fults on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
I really don’t understand the sensational comments about how abjectly horrible it is to see a nude person. An image of a nude man burned into your brain? Sounds like you need to see nude people more often and stop freaking out about it.
Children don’t bother with it because it’s not a big deal. As they grow up they’re taught to be ashamed of their bodies and are thus similarly horrified when they encounter nude people in the future. It’s completely absurd.
I understand the basic discomfort of a mom and child “alone” with a strange man, but that would be the same if the man were picking his nose or yelling at birds. Get over the prudery and think more like your children when it comes to nudity — there is nothing to be afraid or ashamed of.
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By A Mom Two Boys on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
So, Brad Fults, was that YOU in the river in Seattle?
OMG, I’m SO glad that wasn’t me. I would have been on the phone to the police immediately reporting some deranged sex offender flashing people while washing his rear end in the river.
That’s one sentence I never thought I’d write!
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By carrie on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
You gotta love the nature!
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By carrie on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
Wait a minute!
Dude, Jenny is not a prude.
Nudity is no big deal, when you are PREPARED for it. Taking a child to a public, non-nudist park in the middle of the day does not warrant a call for all the nudies to come out and bathe in the river in front of strangers.
I have no words. Just, geez —
Get off the mommy blog and onto your own private whatever.
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By Mom of 5 on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
Mr Brad Fults.
You obviously do not have small children. You obviously have never seen a possibly mentally unstable naked person anywhere in the vicinity of someone you love. The fact is, most SANE people do not strip down nude for any reason in public. Regardless of how “natual” nudity is. It’s a simple fact of the society we live in. So the reaction has nothing to do with shame. It’s NOT absurd. It’s called wanting to protect your children from harm.
Open minds often become a little more closed when you want to protect your loved ones.
For the record, I’ve seen many beautiful nude people in my life. And I know when to be appreciative and when to be alarmed. I’ve also been a victim of rape. So you bet your ASS I will embed the memory of a strange naked man walking down the street in my brain. There is a huge difference in reaction to a person picking their nose and a person naked in public.
And for the record, my children are not ashamed of their bodies. I have never taught them to be “ashamed”. There is shame and their is the right to privacy.
Maybe you should open your mind a little bit more and realize everything is not black and white. Or nude and clothed if you prefer.
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By All Adither on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
Was that Carkeek? I love that place, but I always do wonder…
Angie
http://www.AllAdither.com
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By Eve on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
I’m having a hard time invisioning this…can you describe the man in FULL detail please? :)
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By The Nester on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
Very funny! I followed you here from Blissfully d!
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By pixie on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
OH….MY…GOD! My mouth just dropped when I read this. That is so unbelievable that it is believable. You just can’t make that $#@% up. Wow.
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By pixie on Feb 21, 2008 | Reply
Oh, and Brad Fults… when you become a mom, then we’ll ask for your opinion, k?
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By Betsy Bird on Feb 22, 2008 | Reply
I don’t know why, but to me, the funniest part of that story is the fact that the guy was using soap. To the extent I’ve ever thought about this before, I guess I always just assumed that if you were in to grooming in the great outdoors, you just weren’t all that worked up about finding a bar of Ivory. Or would it be Irish Spring?
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By Carla on Feb 23, 2008 | Reply
It has been nice here, but not ‘nudity’ nice. That’s a bit weird.
We have been out gardening alot and the Bald Eagles were perched in a near by tree the other day watching us OR they wanted our little cat for lunch.
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By Clink on Feb 23, 2008 | Reply
Bahaha! Something like this is the exact reason why I always carry a camera with me.
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By The (Almost) Amazing Mammarino on May 11, 2008 | Reply
I nearly wet myself on that post about the mama wolf, and this one is just as funny!
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