What do you do when good enough, isn’t?
January 30, 2008 – 5:16 pmLast night I went to yet another elementary school open house. This time at a highly acclaimed alternative school, which is reputed to be VERY DIFFICULT to get into. It’s one of those schools where people say, “well I wish we could get into School X” and the other person heaves a sigh and nods knowingly and says something like, “don’t we all!“
So I’m sure I expected to be wowed. Only I wasn’t wowed. What I saw was another version on the theme which is Seattle public schools. Really, really old and poorly maintained building. Weary teachers with too many students and not enough resources. Rabid parents who want to know about things like WHAT ARE THE CLASS SIZES (big) and HOW DO YOU GET IN (cross your fingers and pray) and HOW INVOLVED IS THE PARENT COMMUNITY (very… they have to be since they pay part of the teacher’s salaries and finance things like gym).
I drive away feeling tired. More tired than usual. I should go back for the daytime tour next week, I tell myself, It’s probably less depressing in the daylight when the halls are filled with children and the teachers are actually teaching. But I don’t want to go back. THIS is my gut feeling, and it’s telling me to take that morning off.
Truth be told, I don’t want to go back to any of them. I am thoroughly and completely depressed. I sit in the kitchen after I get home drinking tea and fighting back tears of frustration and worry.
Everyone, from my mother to CJ’s preschool teachers to my friends and YOU my dear readers, have assured me that IT WILL BE OK. CJ is very adaptable. All that really matters is that you’re involved. Look at where WE went to school. Any of the schools would be just fine.
But none of it helps. In the hour before bedtime, alone in my kitchen, nothing helps.
I don’t WANT CJ to go to a school that’s “good enough” or “just fine.” I want CJ’s school to be perfect.
OK, honestly? I want CJ’s LIFE to be perfect.
And we both know how realistic that is.
I think the real problem here is that I’m just getting a taste of one of the hardest parts of parenting. The part where you realize that you can’t make your child’s life perfect… that all you can hope for is good enough.
I know that through struggle, through difficulty, through hard experience comes strength, growth, and conviction.
I know that the hardest experiences can be the most character building.
I know these things but even so, I want MY son to have a free pass. To be able to sail through a life filled with sunshine and rainbows and little singing birdies where he is HAPPY at ALL TIMES and NEVER SAD.
Show me that school and I’ll give you my right arm.
Till then I’ll be over here trying to figure out how to live with good enough.
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By Midwest Mommy on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
wow, that’s tough. Good luck, I have a few more years so I can still learn from you :-)
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By Paula on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
Hang in there Jenny. CJ is so lucky to have a mom like you. He will do fine wherever he goes not because of the school but because of your involvement.
I have homeschooled all six of mine since they were born. I wrestled with these same thoughts when my first-born was little (she’ll be 17 this year!) and I made the right decision for us. Is it a perfect decision? Heck no! like all choices there are pros and cons (mostly the loss of my sanity), but when done with love, it all seems to work out in the end.
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By Wendy on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
Yeah, well, show me a kid with a perfect childhood, and I’ll show you an adult with low coping skills, low ambition, and low tolerance for differences and change.
The perfect part is YOU, and the safety/security/love/trust/confidence you provide him to bounce high from any situation!
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By Jen on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
Oh man, I felt all these exact same things when my boy was starting school. You have my sympathy. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to be one of those parents who just didn’t give a crap.
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By Liza on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
Parent involvement is the key. I taught in both public and private schools and have had my children in both. No amount of money can make the difference that being available to the school and your children can.
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By Queen of Shake-Shake on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
I know we all want our kids to be happy, never sad.
But when you think about it, is that really any way to live? Never to be sad? Think of how we would take the happy for granted if we had no sad for comparison?
Not that I’m above feeling the same way you do….totally not. But when I stopped to think about your post, I wouldn’t want to be happy all the time either.
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By Anonymous on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
Life being perfect sounds so great…my growing up was tough, and boy did I want that. The thing about it that I notice now is that my life as an adult is so much easier then it is for people I know who grew up in those perfect environments. Because, well, real life is HARD. I have a 1 1/2 year old and I want things to be perfect for her, and then I think that if she has to struggle with things now, she’ll learn early how to live, and it wont be as hard for her to cope with when she’s an adult.
So, maybe, perfect is imperfection, maybe your sons school will be more perfect if it has flaws and drawbacks…as long as your there for him and you obviously are, he’ll be happy. I was happy, despite how tough it could be.
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By Bananas on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
Maybe I should clarify. My dilemma is that I KNOW life is better when it isn’t perfect (on a rational level) but on an irrational level (as a mother) I still want my son’s life to be perfect!!!! It’s hard to come to terms with these things sometimes.
Thanks for all your supportive comments!!
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By RachelT on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
ugh!! I think I keep secretly thinking that this day will never come for me… but there is no denying that our school system is in vast need of improvement! Hang in there!
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By Joe Bruzzese on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
your challenge is the one we all face as parents. I want my child to have what I never had. The trouble with this mindset is that it was your struggle and subsequent achievements that brought you to your current place of success. No one could have given you the success that could only be earned through effort, sacrifice and perseverance. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the ability to persevere and then relish in achievement. Give him this and his life will be forever changed.
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By Sara on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
sweet heart I feel your pain. My little boy is in a school that just isn’t all that great, with a teacher that I feel is picking on him.
But you know what?
Sailing through childhood with no bumps in the road, a school that is perfect, teachers who are perfect, lessons that are perfect, only set our kids up to fail miserably when we are no longer there to take care of them.
It’s not easy, but any school you find will be flawed, and any teacher you have will have days you’d love to strangle her.
Your boy, he’s going to be fine, and those bumps in the raod will make him stronger and braver and more capable than you ever thought.
Looking back, the teacher who I hated the most my whole grade school experience, the one that was mean and hateful and expected so much, taught me the most valuable things.
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By Amy on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
Gosh I feel ya. I’m so relieved that we have “the perfect school” for Shark til 8th grade and we plan to send Bear too. High school will be our real problem. (Wanna move to Nashville?)
Don’t settle. Keep looking. You’ll have to let him live in the world and experience things and all that and believe me a lot of that you will not be able to control. So control what you can!
You don’t need him coming home using the F bomb or asking you why so-and-so’s dad goes “booty hunting.” Not at this age. (Yes, I have experience with “excellent” public schools, thankyouverymuch). You’ll get that crap soon enough. Set him up as well as you can now.
It will happen! The right school has to be there!
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By carrie on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
I am so sorry you are going through this.
The boys go to the same elementary school that I went to (I know, small town stuff - at least I DID get away for college!), and it is such a blessing to not only have an “in” with the staff and admin, but our little old school is being remodeled this year so now the building will match the awesome teachers inside it!
I can’t imagine seeing school after school and not being satisfied. Have you looked at the private schools at all? Maybe? I’m just throwing it out there.
Hang in there, you will find the right fit sooner or later and in the meantime, it’s okay to take the day off. :)
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By thediaperdiaries on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
That is honest. Who wants their kids to suffer? Yeah blah, blah, blah it only helps them grow, it is necessary blah, blah. If I could spare them and know they would still be productive adults. Absolutely. I think any parent who tells you otherwise may well be lying.
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By Mamma on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
But you wouldn’t like CJ as an adult if he was one of those kids who had a free pass.
We moved to our neighborhood for the public school system, so I know. I do have to say though, I know you guys will be so involved in his life that it will more than make up for anything that any school might lack.
Hang in there friend.
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By MommyTime on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
This sounds so incredibly painful.
It is impossible not to have these “irrational” moments as mothers because of course we want our children’s lives to be free of pain of any and all kinds. Even when we know it isn’t practical, or even good for them, we want that because they are so small against the bigness of the world.
This doesn’t change how you feel right now, I know. But you should know that we all feel this, and struggle with this — and it is this struggle that makes us the best parents we can be. So hug yourself about that at the very least.
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By Hillary on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
I think we all wish that for our kids. Just hang in there. I’m sure it will all work out in the end.
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By secretmom on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
i say you move to woodinville and buy my home that has been for sale since June. Hollywood Hill elementary is awesome!! And I wish we were back there to attend.
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By Zenmomma on Jan 30, 2008 | Reply
{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I remember well when I was struggling with these same issues. Our life isn’t perfect but it is pretty darn peaceful and sweet. Come on over to my blog and see what life can be like without the paradigm of school taking over.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
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By Mama Drama Jenny, the Bloggess on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply
I feel your pain.
There’s a school here in Houston that looks like disneyland. Seriously, it’s the most insane thing ever. All the three year olds speak french and the two year olds are in uniforms and the one year olds ride unicorns all day. I really wanted to get Hailey in and somehow we were accepted but you know what? I turned it down. If she starts her life in disneyland school where every single thing is given to her and ever poop she makes is held up and glorified and she can speak more languages than me by age four…where do you go from there? It’s all downhill after that. I don’t want my kids happiness peaking at age 5 and not understanding that in the real world things aren’t always bright and perfect and that some schools don’t have a giant water park in the back for recess. (Seriously.)
Sometimes perfect can be too perfect.
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By Mert on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply
The quest for perfection… I think that all parents that really love their kids experiences this. I had trepidations about the school Anna got transferred to this year because of rezoning (this school is brand new but in a not as nice part of town), but she loves it. The kids are nicer.
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By Kimmylyn on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply
While reading your post of course as a parent I was nodding yes through the whole post.. Yes I want my child to have a free pass, yes I would never want my child to experience the negative side of life.. I am so right there with you on that..as another reader pointed out there are pros and cons with everything.. Just think of the day he brings home his future wife.. she will never be good enough.. (well at least I already know that for my son..LOL).. Whatever your decision, he will end up an amazing individual because he has a mom like you who is investing all her time in finding him his first stepping stone off into the future!!He is very lucky!
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By nicki on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply
“Well you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.”
I just love that quote, not that I live by it. I’m with you - I want birdies and rainbows.
You should just move to the eastside and we’ll start a blogging eutopia.
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By Mom of 5 on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply
I totally get it. I want the BEST for my kids. Of course they need to have struggles, sadness, bumps, bruises, and hard times in order to grow. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to add some padding along the way to make the blows a little less severe.
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By Joe Bruzzese on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply
It’s like asking to put up the bumpers when first learning to bowl. Rolling into the gutter every time is real downer.
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By Lisa on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply
AM sending you a great big hug, lady. Can completely relate.
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By Char on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply
Hi. My name is Char and I”m a first time commenter. I’m at blindmama.wordpress.com. Just wanted to say I know *exactly * how you feel. We’d discussed homeschooling, but dismissed the idea because of my blindness. My now 6 y/o was due to start school in September. We visited the schools around here and didn’t like them one bit. In mid august, we decided that we could and would homeschool. It’s working great for us.:) Anyway, just wanted to say I truely know the feeling.
Char;
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By Chelsea on Jan 31, 2008 | Reply
Shall I send you a denim jumper and you could join the homeschool brigade? Kidding!
{{runs and hides before flying crayons hit her}}
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By Jen M. on Feb 1, 2008 | Reply
Finding the right school is exhausting work - I HATE this aspect of parenting - I really do.
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By Eve on Feb 1, 2008 | Reply
Well you went and used my favorite catch phrase so I have to comment on this one. My question to you is do all of them give you that queasy feeling? You said your gut told you it wasn’t a good school.
For gosh sake Jenny, choose one that’s close to home and acceptable. Stop stressing over the little things, because you’re right, it won’t ever be good enough. What’s important is you volunteer in the school he’s in. You get to know the teachers and students he’s surrounded by. It’s always going to be tough. No teacher is going to handle him just right. I never thought my oldest would have as many little issues as he has had. But we take each one in stride. We learn together, we work on his homework together. Poor kid. He’s our guiny pig. That’s what CJ will be for you and Jay. A learning experience. Just choose a school that’s close to home, and good enough. Because you’re going to be doing plenty of driving back and forth.
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