This is what I get for trying to THINK IN MY BRAIN

Last night I was reading CJ his bedtime story as part of his nightly routine.

We have a new book from Costco that he absolutely LOVES. It’s called Uncover the Human Body. It’s really an incredible book, with a 3D body and lots of facts and drawings.

CJ loves to hear about THE HUMAN BODY. He has started using body lingo like CELLS or BRAIN.

He’ll asks me a question, like, “Mommy, what is that?” and point at something out the window that I’ve NEVER seen before and have no idea what it is.

“I don’t know, CJ,” I’ll say.

“MOMMY,” he’ll yell in irritation at my slackerly response, “Just THINK IN YOUR BRAIN!”

If only it were so easy.

So last night, as we’re reading about the human body and discussing lungs and cells and ribs and the intestinal system, I have a thought. I’ve been meaning to have THE talk with CJ… you know the one about private parts and not letting people touch them?

This is the perfect time to have THE talk. I mean, we’re already talking about bodies and stuff.

“CJ,” I begin in a very serious tone, “Did you know that there are parts of our body that are VERY SPECIAL and VERY PRIVATE?”

He looks at me with wide eyes and nods excitedly. “Yes!”

“Good. Can you think which part of your body is YOUR PRIVATE PART that NO ONE SHOULD EVER TOUCH?”

He thinks, and then nods enthusiastically. “Your BONES,” he says seriously, “People should not touch your bones and they should not BREAK YOUR BONES. And your brain. People should not break your brain.”

First of all, HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS COMING?

Secondly, he kind of has a point. I don’t want anyone touching my bones OR my brain.

Thirdly, HOW do you not laugh in moments like these? I certainly don’t know… never having mastered the not-laughing-at-wildly-inappropriate-times thing myself.

And yet, like a good soldier, I bravely struggle onward.

“Umm, yes. People shouldn’t touch your bones or your brain. But that’s not what I meant.” I pause, preparing for the big P word. In times like these I do say it, but I can’t say that I LIKE to say it.

“I meant your penis. Your penis is YOUR PRIVATE PART. No one should touch it… except maybe mommy or daddy if it is sore, or maybe the doctor.”

His eyes are huge.

I continue, “And if someone tries to touch it, you ALWAYS tell your mommy. And if they tell you NOT to tell your mommy, do you know what you do?”

He thinks and then says, “I will just RUN AWAY.”

“Well yes, that’s a good idea. And also you TELL YOUR MOMMY even if they told you not to.”

“And you will KILL THEM, right mommy?”

Well, basically, yes.

“And another thing, you don’t touch anyone else’s PRIVATE PARTS either, right? Like your friends? Because they are PRIVATE.”

He nods, sagely. “And they can’t touch MY private parts.”

Good! He’s getting it. Will wonders never cease. Maybe I have a chance as a parent after all.

“AND,” he adds, “THEY CAN’T TOUCH MY PRESENTS!”

Right.

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