P.S. I love you!
December 18, 2007 – 4:45 amSomething I’ve learned in my ten years of wedded bliss is that marriage has its ups and downs.
Serious ups and downs.
One minute it’s going really, really good and you’re holding hands and necking in the basement and feeling GROOVY…
And the next you’re screaming and throwing things and shouting out OH NO YOU DIDN’T JUST SAY THAT and wondering why you ever got married in the first place.
When I quit my job to stay home with CJ, I didn’t necessarily expect the impact that this change would have on my marriage. Obviously in retrospect I should have expected it, but I was so busy imagining myself as the perfect homemaker in a chic apron and kitten heels (snort!) that I neglected to consider reality.
And here, 11 years later, I find that we have issues cropping up that weren’t there before. Or at least they weren’t as BIG and HAIRY before.
I won’t bore you with the gory details. Suffice it to say that there’s a whole lot of “WHY DON’T YOU EVER CLEAN UP AROUND HERE?!” being flung around by BOTH parties and not nearly enough loving appreciation and necking in the basement.
Stress… whether the stress of being the sole breadwinner at a highly demanding job, or the stress of having to try and fit into a role to which you KNOW you were never intended… stress wreaks havoc on a relationship. Especially when, at the end of the day, you’re too weary and war-torn to work it all out.
Not to say our marriage isn’t good OVERALL, it’s just that it seems LESS good than it’s been in the past, and not nearly as good as it could be in my ideal scenario, if you know what I mean.
So when Jay left for NYC this week on a business trip, there was a teeny-tiny part of me that thought, “well, it’s not like he does anything around the house ANYHOW… I probably won’t even miss him.”
It was just a TEENY-TINY part of me that thought it, but there it was.
Funny thing they say about absence, how it makes the heart grow fonder. I’m not sure if my heart has grown FONDER, per-se (it really was fairly fond to begin with), but I do know that absence has helped me get perspective.
Like the first night, when I was making dinner. CJ was playing a computer game, and things were under control. I had Christmas music playing on the stereo, the house was (relatively) tidy and nothing was on fire.
An all-around good evening.
Except I was lonely.
I missed talking to Jay about his day and mine. The mundane chit-chat of the day coming to its close.
I took out the garbage by myself (there was no one to argue with about whose job it was).
Hmmph.
I played Go Fish with CJ, got him in his jammies and put him to bed.
And then I sat in a chair and… well, I sat there.
The house felt empty. Bigger than usual.
I went to bed at a ridiculously early hour (there was nothing else to do!). I rolled onto my side, and then my back. Finally I sprawled across the bed onto Jay’s pillow where it still smelled like my dear sweet husband. I took a long whiff- AHHHHHH.
The last night before Jay came home when I put CJ to bed he started crying.
“DADDY DADDY DADDY” he sobbed over and over again. I felt the same way.
So yeah, I missed him.
I guess I do love him after all.
As it turns out, I didn’t get married just to have someone to take out the garbage.
It’s the companionship that matters. The friendship. The having-someone-to-talk-to. The having-someone-in-your-bed-who-smells-good.
The having-someone-to-neck-with-in-the-basement… or NOT, as the case may be.
Marriage is rocky, no question. But it’s also absolutely worthwhile.
Welcome home, my sweet smelling man.
***
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By Smiling Mom on Dec 17, 2007 | Reply
Really Great!! I totally relate. Whenever Hubby’s job schedule changes, about every 6 months, and specifically when he hurt his shoulder in Sept. there was quite a rocky adjustment.
Every Time.
But then we get through it and life is good.
Smiling Mom
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By Annie on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
Awww - see, now you’ve gone and made me cry!
I love how you express those seemingly everyday details that all of us experience, and bring them into focus for us.
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By Mrs. Mustard on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
This is a gooder. I’ve gone through the same thing when my husband went away for a conference last summer for 6 days. It was really lonely, not only for me to be taking care of our then 9 month old son solo, but to have no one to talk to at night. I ended up going to bed really early for boredom and loneliness.
And we’ve been married for almost 5 years.
mrs. mustard
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By All Adither on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
Yes, yes. I can relate to most of that. Though we don’t argue about the garbage. But we do bicker a bit about kid related chores. I do often wonder if going to work would improve things for us.
Angie
(www.AllAdither.com)
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By Momma TaderDoodles on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
You have no idea how much I needed to read this! Hubby and I had a terrible weekend… he even dared to make the two deadly insinuations: “If it weren’t for you guys I’d have, ” and “I’m the one working”… he didn’t mean it… but it still hurt..
Then he made some observation about something NOT being clean.. he was on a roll… but in the end you’re right… I didn’t marry him so I’d have someone take out the trash… I think I’ll send him a lovey email :D
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By MommyMommy on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
that is so sweet! and great! I hope you get some necking-in-the-basement time!
MommyMommyLand
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By Veggie Mama on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
Oh how very very true! I HATE when DH is home late from work, and it usually translates to yelling at him… which is silly because most of the reason I hate it is that I MISS him!! I could NOT handle him having a job that required him being away for days at a time. He’s been a permanent fixture in my life and my home for 8 years and there’s a big gaping hole when he’s gone. Wonderful post.
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By Rachel on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
I could not have put it better!! Marriage is not all rainbows and butterflies and anyone who says otherwise is a complete liar. Marriage is real and it is work, but, man, is it worth it.
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By Anonymous on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
So well said, I can relate in a big way! my husband is a submariner in the Navy and leaves for months at a time with very few opportunities for communication during that time. it is hard but the bonus is that I have QUITE A BIT OF TIME to miss him and and to figure out why he is so missed.
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By Mert on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
I can totally sympathize. My husband never helps with the house work, even when i worked a full time job. :( I’m a SAHM but need to get a job in the next 6 months. I told the hubs that my concern is now we have kids, there is NO WAY he can skate by without doing housework when i get a job… or I will refuse to get a job no matter how financially challenged we are. ;)
I do miss him when he is gone though.
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By Mamma on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
Big dopes! We can’t help but love them can we?
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By Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
Welcome home indeed!
Sometimes we need a good perspective of absence.
Queen of Shake-Shake
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By Slackermommy on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
You have summed up most marriages perfectly in this post. Mine annoys the hell out of me but I wouldn’t give him up for anything.
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By Amy on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
Great post! I always think it might be a good break when mine’s out of town but I do the same thing - sleep in his tee shirt and use his pillow!
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By skiplovey on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
So true! Sometimes it takes a little time and space to remember what’s really important, which for me is a place to warm my ice cold feet at night. And every night he says “why don’t you put on some socks?”
But it just wouldn’t be the same.
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By Sue on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
Oh, gosh. Are you my long-lost twin? DH and I were fighting a bit, stress over money, and then he started traveling, every week, for the first time in our 11 year marriage, and it’s made me realize how little the stuff we argue about matters. I miss him so much. I love him so much. Thanks for being real.
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By My Semblance of Sanity on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
LOVE THE SMELL OF MY MAN’S PILLOW, TOO!
:)
Good for you for hangin’ in..too many hit a bump and call it quits!
It’s definitely worth the ride!!!
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By Maureen on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
It really is true that we sometimes don’t realise what we have until it’s gone… even for a few days.
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By Lisa on Dec 18, 2007 | Reply
Awww. That’s so sweet.
WHen my hubby is home, he’s plugged into his computer working. So unfortch when he’s gone, its actually less mess and EASIER on me. And because he’s the gassiest man alive, the air is fresher when he’s gone too. And food stays in the fridge longer.
But I still sort of missed him. Because of that whole “getting laid” thing. heehee
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By She Likes Purple on Dec 19, 2007 | Reply
Very very well said.
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By Liz on Dec 19, 2007 | Reply
I love you, too - oh, wait…um…never mind - lovely post, sweetie!
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By A Mom Two Boys on Dec 19, 2007 | Reply
Can I copy and paste this to my blog and claim it as my own? No, then? Okay, well at least know that I could have written this EXACT thing myself! But won’t, because my husband reads my blog and would be all “Woe is me” afterward, even though the ending is sweet. :0)
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By monkeysandmarbles on Dec 20, 2007 | Reply
i was the same way when Carlos went on a business trip last year. by the end of the week, i never wanted him to leave again!
oh…and after the first night he was gone, i slept on his side of the bed and sniffed his pillow too…
it’s good to get perspective sometimes!
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By SAHMmy Says on Dec 20, 2007 | Reply
“…stress of being the sole breadwinner at a highly demanding job, or the stress of having to try and fit into a role to which you KNOW you were never intended”–that’s our deal in a nutshell. Hubs was gonna be a rockstar. I was gonna be a research librarian. Now he’s a corporate suit and I’m a Mommy. Totally worth it but it is a little sad to know that some dreams may never be. We play the “do you resent…?” “No, do you?” game every couple of years, realize we’re both really happy with our chosen path and get back to arguing over whose turn it is to take out the trash.
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By Melinda Zook on Dec 20, 2007 | Reply
You hurt me when you hit the nail on the head tonight…no, I am just joking but really, there is so much truthfulness here about how relationships change a little bit here and there. Especially when the work situation changes. I feel this pressure with mine as well. The sad thing is that we even discussed these topics prior to me staying home. Still, touchy subjects arise and we have to start over again. It’s good to remind ourselves that are roles are always evolving and that we didn’t marry each other for how we clean the floors or what we do for a living. It’s called L-O-V-E….I am such a cheeseball.
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By the calm before the stork on Dec 22, 2007 | Reply
Fabulous post! I think I kind of did marry Scott for the garbage service, and the cat box service and the honey-can-you-get-me…?
I’m a bit of a princess that way. Okay, more than a bit. Embarrassingly more.
Thank you for reminding me to appreciate him a lot and OUT LOUD for all of that, especially at those times when he does something I don’t like, or doesn’t do something, and I just want to yell.
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By carrie on Dec 24, 2007 | Reply
So sweet Jenny, so sweet.
And - so true.
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