The ways in which I torment my husband
September 22, 2007 – 5:00 pmI’m a believer in calling things as they are.
Bill Maher? Stupid.
Breastfeeding in public? Totally not a problem.
That little thingy that hangs down between a boy’s legs? Penis.
NOT pee pee, wee wee, winky, schlongydong or whatever other cutie-pie name you come up with for it. I think those cutie-pie names are just confusing for kids.
And so, when that “topic” comes up, I use the appropriate word.
The other evening, CJ had discovered that it was awfully funny to walk around with his little friend popping out from the top of his pants.
“Mom, Dad! Look at me! HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
Jay and I look at each other and TRY not to laugh.
“That’s actually not funny, CJ.” I say, “now put your penis away.”
Jay looks at me in wide-eyed horror. “WHAT did you just say?”
“Umm… I told him to put it away. Would you rather he walk around like that?”
“No, not that… you called it a…” (he shudders) “penis. Don’t call it that!”
My eyes widen in disbelief. “Seriously? But that’s what it is.”
“I don’t care. I HATE that word.”
Interesting. I can DEFINITELY find a use for this information.
“Sooo… what should I call it?” I ask.
“I don’t know… wiener?”
BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA
Now it’s MY turn to laugh.
Fast forward a day or two. Jay is lying in bed, in a blissful state somewhere between wakefulness and sleep. I lean over, position my lips next to his ear and whisper in a sultry tone, “PENIS!”
“JENNNNNNNNNN!” he howls in bitter regret at having told his evil wife his deepest darkest secret.
He turns away from me and pulls the blanket up over his head, and I giggle.
Oh, the joy of this discovery will never end.
(evil laughter)
***
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By Annie on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
That is hilarious!
I’m with your hubs though - I hate that word, too. It’s quite ridiculous, and I know all the reasoning for using the correct terminology (some of it frighteningly important) but still…
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By Karen (Pediascribe) on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Seems like the two of us have been whispering sultry things in our dh’s ears lately.
Um…I mean, I’ve been whispering sultry things in MY dh’s ear.
And you’ve been whispering them in YOUR dh’s ear.
I haven’t been whispering them in your dh’s ear…..and I don’t think you’ve been whispering them in my dh’s ear. At least not that he’s told me! Then again, he’s so busy trying to get out of the naked housework thing, maybe it slipped his mind! :)
(sigh)
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By Carla on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Hilarious! Yes, call it like it is!
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By Kimberly on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Bwahahahah! You’re are so delightfully eeeevillll!
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By Maureen on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Har! Way to go!
So THAT is why they come up with all those stupid names for it….
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By Mrs. Schmitty on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Think that’s good…you should see Mr. Schmitty squirm when our 3 year old DAUGHTER says penis!!
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By Amy on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Hilarious! Guys never like that word. My husband refers to this part with our two boys as the “tee tee’. Although Shark Boy once told me I ran his bath water too hot and expressed fear that it would “burn his weiner”. We’ve never said weiner, so who knows where it came from…
Too funny!
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By carrie on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
OMG, that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a looooong time.
PENIS!
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By Amber on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Atta girl. I think we should start our own hubby conspiracies together. :-)
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By canape on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
I guess that’s why my husband calls it Mr. Happy.
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By Mrs. Mustard on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
When talking to my son, I call it a penis. When talking to my husband, I call it gross :P
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By Jill on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
ooh, you are evil. I am with you. I am not a fan of parents nicknaming kids private parts. We are a “penis” and “vagina” household.
I was talking to a mom of a 4 year old the other day who had never told her daughter what they were called. She still called it her front bottom.
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By Misty Dawn on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Oh my gosh, you are killing me here! I’ve realized, I CAN’T… absolutely CAN NOT read more than one of your posts at a time - cuz, if I do, I can’t breath and my sides hurt from laughing to hard! You are truly fabulous!
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By JaniceNW on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
You are evil personnified and I adore you!!!
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By nell on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Well, he did make it awfully easy for you! We’re all about the anatomy over here, but of course, you already knew that, didn’t you?
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By Niqua on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Oh geez, that’s great!! It’s the same here, we use the correct terms for everything except belly button, which is “Pico” and still “belly button” but in Hawaiian.
Anyway, the torture goes on here as well, just opposite. Christian has nerves of steel- there is no emabarrassing him. Try as I might to copy those skills it’s impossible! Some words just… get me.
*shudder*
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By mcewen on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Interesting. You must have American children.
I have one too, an American one that is to say. He saw fit to correct my anatomical reference. I am advised that in America we do not say ‘bottom’ we say ‘tush.’
Cheers
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By Aurelia on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
I’m with you. A Penis, is a penis, is a penis… :)
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By Damsel on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
A penis by any other name would pee just as … um… never mind.
I’m with you, though. I was careful to call it a penis. And now my three year old son calls it a “peanut”.
*sigh*
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By Mrs. Flinger on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
HAHAHA! I just explained to LB that Baby O has a Penis like Daddy does. Mr. Flinger almost DIED. Yup. That’s what it is!!
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By A Whole Lot of Nothing on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
I’m sorry, but I HATE the P-word. I’m SO glad I have girls with a va-j-j.
It is fun to freak out the man, though. I’d say it just to get him to shudder, too.
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By shauna on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
I had a friend who hated the word “panties.” And for the record, I wasn’t the person who chased her down the sidewalk hollering “panties, panties, panties…”
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By Brillig on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh, the poor man.
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By cate on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
oh, that’s so funny! why are men so squeamish about that word???
Carlos and i decided to use the proper terminology for everything…and he’s fine with it. but my mother isn’t. when we call one of the boys’ penises just that, it gives her the heebie-jeebies. you see, when my brother was a toddler, she told him to call it his “little guy”…i think she was expecting us to do something similar…ya right, mom! ;-)
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By Minal Desai on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
HA HA HA!AMAZING!! Simply fabulous! I too have a few ways of teasing my husband… one such thing is tickling him. Till late into my marriage i didn’t know that the only place where he felt the tickle was on the lower sides of his waist. And now that I know it, I just can’t stop playing pranks with him. And the best time is when I am with him in an overcrowded lift!! He can’t stand the tickle and neither can he move!! Ohhh how I enjoy it! :)
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By Jo Beaufoix on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
Hee hee.
Reminds me of a story I may have to blog one day.
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By Queen of Shake-Shake on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
You know I hate doing anything the proper way so I don’t call it its proper name.
Well, let me take that back. I enjoy the ultimate confusion for the males at the Shake Shake. I flip flop between the cute name and the medical term. ha!
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By Suburban Oblivion on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
Holy crap that’s funny!!!!!! :D
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By New Diva on the Blog on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
Hee hee hee. You are evil, but it is funny.
BTW I would have to say I think weiner is worse than penis.
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By Blue Momma on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
It really is bliss when you find that you have a new power over your husband. And one that was there all along, undiscovered.
Penis. Penis. Penis.
hehe
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By moosh in indy. on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
You could be like Jonathon and call it a front bum.
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By pinks & blues girls on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
Love it! Have you ever read/seen The Vagina Monologues? It goes over all the “nice” names people have for “vagina” like who-who, down there, private part. It’s great. What’s wrong with calling our anatomy by its name!?
Jane, Pinks & Blues
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By tulipmom on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
You are too funny!
We are a “penis” house.
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By Jen M. on Sep 23, 2007 | Reply
I’ve taught my five year old to use the correct terms. He has a mild speech impediment, so it comes out as “peanuts.” And who doesn’t love peanuts?
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By Jennb on Sep 24, 2007 | Reply
Funny post! :)
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By M on Sep 24, 2007 | Reply
OMG it is SO a penis! My husband gets weirded out with that phrasing too but dammit it’s important! Pen-IS! Va-gi-NA!
Whispering it in his ear just proves you are evil (and brilliant) as the next wife. Bravo.
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By Shauna Loves Chocolate on Sep 24, 2007 | Reply
(evil laugh).
Sorry. Laughing too hard to comment more.
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By Lela on Sep 24, 2007 | Reply
Hahahaha! That is great! I love evilness! Isn’t funny how they hate it when we say penis but boy is the work vagina a great thing to say! *rolls eyes*
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By kellyo75 on Sep 24, 2007 | Reply
I used to hate the word, too. Until I had boys. Now, I cannot even fathom calling it anything other thAN penis. It’s much sillier when you say Pee pee or wee wee or (my fave from your group) SchlongyDong!!
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By Jenny from Chicago on Sep 24, 2007 | Reply
Toooooooo funny. I found you through Say Anything. Great Blog!
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By Marci B. on Sep 24, 2007 | Reply
I am so completely, totally, and absolutely amused. I have always laughed at the fact that our most official terminology is often what we dislike the most (penis, vagina, etc.). You go, girl!
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By Mert on Sep 25, 2007 | Reply
Oh gad, you crack me up! Yes, we are the weirdos that don’t say the V word, we call it a who-who :P
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By Rachel on Sep 25, 2007 | Reply
Schlongydong is really not all that cutsie. Just sayin.
Hilarious!! I guess he will know better next time.
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By Cathy on Sep 28, 2007 | Reply
Ooooh, I LOVE your evil genius!
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By mlankton on Oct 9, 2007 | Reply
I have no problem with my two year old calling it a weenie. He has the rest of his life ahead of him to give it macho nicknames.
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