So you think you can parent?
September 14, 2007 – 12:30 amThere comes a point in every parents’ life where we scream I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE! and mean it.
Some of us scream out loud where everyone can hear and others keep it confined to our heads, but when you come right down to it, it’s the same feeling. A bad, desperate, unbearable feeling.
My I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE moment was today.
Ever since school started, CJ has been more difficult than usual. Not surprising, I guess, when you consider the transition from the carefree and lazy days of summer to being forced into a (gasp!) schedule.
Mornings can be a nightmare as I try to get him out of the house and into the car, and then the battle rages anew when I go to navigate him into preschool. You’d think I was shoving him into a den of lions, with fresh meat tied around his neck. And yet I know that he likes preschool… once he’s there. It seems to be transitions that cause so much warfare and strife in our otherwise happy little twosome.
This morning was another one of those mornings, with me dragging CJ from the car by his ankles while he clung onto the seat for dear life. I drove off with him howling “NOOOOOOO MOMMMMMMYYYY!!!” and pointed my car towards downtown to sit in the endodontist’s chair for the second half of my root canal.
Two hours later I was back in the car to pick up CJ. And we headed to the zoo. Most of the afternoon was fine… just so long as I went along with what CJ wanted, we seemed to do ok. But finally the time came to go home, and after several aborted attempts, I put my foot down.
“CJ,” I said, “we really have to go home.”
“NOOOOO!!!! I want to STAAAAY!” He runs away from me, in the opposite direction from the way out.
I run after him, catching him by the shirt. Trying to remain cool, calm, and collected (the 3 C’s that seem to vanish in moments like these), I say, “No, I told you before and now it’s REALLY time to go.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! You’re HURTING ME!!!” (I’m NOT hurting him. I’m holding onto his SHIRT. But still, people start to look.)
“CJ!” I hiss, “Stop it! This Instant! I Mean It!”
He wiggles free from my grasp and runs away again. I catch him, this time picking him up as he kicks and squirms. He is over 50 pounds, you understand, and so the process of holding him is almost impossible.
“You are going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE” I tell him. (’cool’ has now left the building, with ‘calm’ and ‘collected’ close behind.)
I try to carry him towards the exit, which is some ways off. He’s kicking and screaming, “YOU’RE HURTING ME!!!”
I set him down on a rock. “CJ. STOP. The only reason I’m hurting you is that I’m trying to carry you because you won’t walk. It’s your choice. If you’ll just walk beside me, I won’t have to carry you and it won’t hurt.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” he tries to escape. I set him back on the rock. He gets up. I set him back on the rock. He gets up. I set him back on the rock. He gets up. I set him back on the rock. He gets up. I set him back on the rock. He gets up. I set him back on the rock. He gets up. I set him back on the rock. He gets up. I set him back on the rock. He gets up.
I pick him up and start the weird drag/carry thing with him kicking and screaming again.
“YOU’RE HURTING ME!!!!” And the people all stare.
My heart is filled with black, evil feelings. My head is filled with RAGE.
I won’t give you the whole blow by blow. Trust me that this went on all the way to the car. And it was a LONG ways. Filled with screaming. And threats.
By the time I got CJ strapped in his car seat I was fit to be tied. If you’d offered me a chance to go back to work I would have taken it. Immediately. No thought required.
As I drive home, a single thought is blaring in my mind.
I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!
We get home and I march CJ to his room. I am tempted to put him in timeout FOREVER AND EVER UNTIL THE END OF TIME, but the little tiny part of my brain that isn’t SEEING RED recognizes that this idea probably isn’t very feasible. Instead I announce, “You are in a timeout in your room until your dad gets home.” Which will be at least 30 minutes… but CJ doesn’t complain. I think it has finally sunk in that he is in Trouble. Big time.
Oh, I’m not proud. I’m not happy. There is no part of this afternoon’s events that make me think I’m a good parent. And yet, looking back, I’m not sure what I could have done differently.
So you think you can parent?
HA.
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By www.nolanotes.com on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
You should be proud! You, in fact, did not hurt him and with the rage you were feeling (rightly so), it’d have been easy to slap him but good. Give yourself a break! No one ever said being a parent was easy!! It sounds like you handled things as best you could.
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By Suburban Oblivion on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
Awww J., seriously, give yourself a break. To quote the Queen, sometimes kids are just assholes. You deal the best you can and move on. :)
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By Alex Elliot on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
I’ve so been there! I call it a “Bribes and Threats” day. We’ve been having quite a few of those in our house this week with school starting.
I’m sure it must have been embarrassing, but it sounds like you handled it well. I send my sympathies. Seriously, that was me a the Y on Tuesday.
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By Not the Queen on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
Good for you for not giving in. Kids are so frustrating when they do that. Take care. You’re not alone. You’re not the first mom who’s had to deal with this, and you won’t be the last.
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By Nap Warden on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
A lesser parent would have gone to blows…congrats to you. It is hard to be a Mom. I go through a smaller version of this every day when we leave the park. Have a glass of wine (you deserve it)and hope tom. is a better day…
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By shaz on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
ohhh, you know, it happens and what can you do?! take care of yourself, just relax and don’t stress too much over it, from the sounds of it, you held it together pretty well given the circumstances. be well dear.
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By chilihead on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
Oh yes. I do remember those days. Very well. And? Who the hell cares what those people think. I had to keep telling myself that over and over and over when those things happened. (Of course it’s easier said than done. That’s why we get paid the big bucks.) You did awesome.
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By Deb - Mom of 3 Girls on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
Oh yes, I know what you mean. But it sounds like you actually had a lot of patience with him and didn’t lose your cool - that’s great! I think starting preschool is such a big thing for little kids and he’s probably just trying to figure out this huge change in his life. Good luck!! :)
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By Jessica on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
I don’t think there was any other way to handle it–you did great! I think a 30-minute time out was certainly fitting, and I think it was actually pretty restrained. Give yourself a break–if you had given in you would only have reinforced that he could get away with that. And he is going through a lot of change with pre-school starting, but eventually he will get used to the schedule and life will even out a bit! Good luck!!!
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By Cathy on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
I once had to crawl into one of those horrible giant inflatables at one of those freaking jumping places to retrieve my son.
As I slid on my butt back toward the teensy opening, he assumed a starfish pose. Once we reached the opening, he clung to the flaps. I finally fell out onto the floor, squarely on my rear, still holding a red-faced screaming child.
I know the humiliation you describe.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. We’ve all been there.
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By Karen (Pediascribe) on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
Sounds absolutely rotten! Honestly, I’d have looked at you too. But my look would have been a “been there, done that” understanding look.
The good news is, he lived through it and you didn’t hurt him. You followed through with your words. Good for you!!
The bad news is, he still hasn’t hit the teeen years.
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By Pinks & Blues Girls on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
Ugh. Just ugh. Kids can just be little sh*ts sometimes, can’t they!? I think you handled it so well. It’s OK to cry Uncle. Have a drink tonight! :)
Jane, Pinks & Blues
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By A Whole Lot of Nothing on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
Lordy lordy, I have those moments more often than I ever thought I would be. Even with meds, I get to the point where I wish I could strap them to their beds like Joan Crawford. But, alas, I do not, and I move on to my happy place.
Being a mom in control is so much harder than being a mom out of her mind. I wish I was a mom out of her mind sometimes.
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By Heather on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
You know what? You did great. Don’t beat yourself up. There are times when the quiet, in the face explanation is just not going to work and, you know what, who the F cares what other people think? He’s your kid, you do what’s best. Congrats on sticking with it and not going home, packing up the luggage, leaving a Dear John note, and leaving. That’s probably what I would have done…
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By Alison on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
you did great! we were starting to have issues like that last year with one of our kids, but i gave ‘choices’–either they went to school or they stayed home and cleaned the house. i’ve gotten used to being a ‘mean mom’–be proud to be a ‘mean mom’.
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By Kimberly on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
If you didn’t smack him upside the head, you’re better than a lot of moms I’ve encountered. If you wanted to but didn’t, you’re just like me.
And if you didn’t even want to? Then you’re super-mom and I’m not sure we can be friends anymore. =P
~hugs~
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By Summer on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
I’ve been there too. Many times. You did great!
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By LikeAstaR on Sep 13, 2007 | Reply
I am in for it! You lasted until preschool. Mine is only 1.. and I have had that thought run through my mind.
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By Stephanie on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
The running away, the screaming, the kicking, the screaming, the running away…I’ve been there. It is a terrible feeling to watch your child unravel before your eyes and fill the anger rise in your soul. Ugh.
Hang in there.
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By kara on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
oh man..I’ve soo been there. (times 2) The dragging your hurting me issue is a big one in our house and it drives me bonkers. I’m not hurting them. (unless they can feel my thoughts of rage coming through my temple.)
Your a good mom. You got him home safely and handled it beautifully. Don’t worry about the staring folks…they have all been there with you at some point and were just looking for some pointers on how to handle the whole screaming your hurting me scenerio.
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By Midwest Mommy on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
I love how honest you are. Pre-mommy days I would have been one of those people who stared, now post-mommy I completely understand and walk in the opposite direction to give a mommy some space.
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By Taste Like Crazy on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
Just reading that made me angry.
I think you should be extremely proud of yourself for not beating the crap out of him.
I can just hear my ultra Southern Grandma’s voice, “You think I’m hurting you now, just you wait!”
Bravo and I’m sorry that he was being a punk.
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By Amy on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
I hate when other parents stare at a scene like that - you know they’ve been there too! And the “you’re hurting me” thing. My daughter has pulled that one before and it is just the worst. You did a good job. He’s alive after all! Unfortunately, having an 18-year old and little ones I see now that these episodes are practice for the really excruciating stuff that comes later. You think you wanna quit now? Hee hee, this is a breeze compared to age 15!
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By Mommy Daisy on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
That makes you a GREAT parent! What a day. And a root canel to boot.
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By Mert on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
You did a lot better than I would have, don’t feel bad, really. Your a good mom, and though you may have felt like chucking it all you did pretty darn well.
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By Trenting on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
I scream it every single day, they still keep calling me “MOMMY” and following me around and asking me for money.. I don’t get it..
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By Jenn on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
Nope, I know I can’t parent…I just kind of wing it every day. I figure as long as we get through the day without any major injuries, missing limbs or deaths (theirs or mine), it’s all good.
You are far better than I. I would have marched right on over to the lion’s den, dangled him over the railing and threatened to toss him in for a little lion snack. Unless, of course, he came along nicely.
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By nell on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
There are parts of this job that just suck. But you did parent, and parent well. It’s these moments, the really, really sucky ones when you just want to quit and you can’t that make the job hard. But you proved it: you can parent.
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By Smiling Mom on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
Those staring women were probably thinking, “Ohhh I don’t envy her right now… I remember when xxxx did that. It made me so mad!!”
(My son screams, “You’re hurting me” often too)
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By WorksForMom on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
In a word: wow. You so kept your cool. And I’m pretty sure this is just practice for the real stage-o-fun: teenagers.
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By Jennifer aka Binky Bitch on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
I’m incredibly impressed with your parenting abilities. You did a great job. We all have those days (I have them everyday) when we don’t want to do it anymore.
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By slackermommy on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
You sound like me. My mantra last weekend was, “I want to run away!”
You are doing a great job. Really. Being a mom just really sucks sometimes.
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By Carla on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
When he got off the rock, and you set him back down etc. etc. etc. YOU DID IT! You, the mom were in complete and total control!! YES! It is the rage and the spinning thoughts that leave me with momguilt. Please don’t assume the teenage years will be different versions of this….I have met some AWESOME teenagers in my day!! :)
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By Liz on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
That sounds like a really tough afternoon. I can’t imagine how I would have done anything different…I probably would’ve lost my cool and bawled once the kids was safe in his carseat.
Oh wait…I did this last week.
Henry’s only 17 months, but that little boy sure is obstinate. (I wonder where he got that from?)
You have to give yourself a break, no one was hurt. And, you got to use the “Wait until your father gets home!” line!
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By Jen on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
I can see a ton of things you did here that show you’re a good parent. I know it’s probably hard for you to see them and believe me, I totally understand how that feels but from an outsiders viewpoint you did awesome.
My son is a big fan of the “You’re hurting me!” tactic. It somehow manages to make me feel guilty and angry at the same time. Augh, kids!
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By carrie on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
Oh man, have I been there, many, many times.
And I especially love it when they scream “stop hurting me” when you are doing nothing close to that. It’s like they know that saying such words will cause everyone around to gasp and for your face to turn red. We’ve all been there!
Tomorrow will be better. Stick to your guns, don’t give up. And remember YOU are the parent. :)
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By Shauna Loves Chocolate on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
So sorry, Jenny. Any parent who says they don’t know what you’re talking about is lying. Or isn’t around their kids. At all.
Take care.
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By cate on Sep 14, 2007 | Reply
i commend you on keeping your anger in check…that is something i am learning to do…it’s tough
Logan’s true temper has just reared it’s ugly head…and man, it’s ug-lay! so go through a smaller version of what you just described on a daily basis right now…it’s so hard to not just yell and scream like a mad person!
sorry you had such a crappy day…what the hell would be do without our blogs???
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By shauna on Sep 15, 2007 | Reply
This is such a great post because it’s so honest, and all of us have been there (it’s just nice to have company sometimes). You handled it well! I’ve always thought these kids get us with the bait and switch. “Ah, what a cute little, immovable, mute creature.” And then they turn 2 and start to talk back…
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By kellyo75 on Sep 15, 2007 | Reply
Oh My- You had a rough time! I know days like that all too well. You should be very proud of yourself. There are too many times when I look like a psychotic mother because I am screaming bloody murder. You didn’t hurt him, and you handled it all really, really well. I bet when he woke up the next morning, he was an angel again!
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By Melinda Zook on Sep 16, 2007 | Reply
I have been there so many times with mine this same way and it never fails to leave me feeling soooo helpless! Sometimes I just wish there was a button you could push on your kid that puts them in robot-mode and they say, “yes mommy, I will come home with you” and march along peacefully.
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By Rachel on Sep 17, 2007 | Reply
Sounds to me like you did just fine. You didn’t do what CJ wanted. You didn’t give in, even with the possibility of embarassment. You punished CJ for his actions. You (you may not think so) kept your cool. You could have had a knock down drag out fight at the zoo with CJ. You didn’t.
You did a good job.
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