In which I am nearly decapitated by a falling box of condoms
September 18, 2007 – 7:00 amNOTE TO FAMILY MEMBERS: Jay most ardently urges that you NOT read this post. If you do decide to take the plunge and read it, please be advised that it is absolutely not true at all. We do NOT have condoms in our household. We do NOT have a use for condoms because we don’t engage in any, erm, “acts” that would require them. Ever. NOT EVEN ONCE! And if you INSIST on reading AND believing what you read, please have the courtesy to pretend you never saw it. On with the show…!
This afternoon I had the most terrifying experience. A NEAR-DEATH experience… the kind where your life flashes before your eyes.
We recently installed a brilliant wardrobe system in our “master” (ha!) bedroom to help compensate for the teeny-tiny-so-small-just-blink-and-you-could-miss-it “closet.”
Our new wardrobe looks like this:
It has these little holes in the top for lights, so that you can have AMBIANCE of the most romantic and seductive nature. Excellent. I do enjoy ambiance, romance AND seduction, and of course a good shelf or two. What’s not to love?
The only problem is, the lights have this long and clunky cord, which we cannot figure out what to do with.
So the wardrobe system ACTUALLY looks like this:
it’s like a giant iPod gone amuck!
Now something else you need to know is that I have this small cedar jewelry box that I’ve had, like, forever.
Oddly enough my house seems to be full of little boxes of varying shapes and sizes… glass, wood, ceramic, metal… it doesn’t matter what they’re made of because what’s inside is almost always the same; a sad assortment of buttons, half-used erasers, hair berets, safety pins, pennies, gum wrappers and really really old receipts. Me, organized? Naaaaah…
Anyway, THIS particular cedar box is put to an other, more titillating use.
Witness,
Ahem.
ANYWAY, my darling husband, man of the hour, light of my life, and apple of my eye, came up with the rather LESS THAN brilliant idea to use said cedar box to hold back the offending cord by placing it way up high on top of the wardrobe with cord behind. As the box is rather heavy, its weight will keep the cord in place.
Anyone see anything wrong with this plan? Anyone?
ANYONE??
I was getting something out of one of the drawers, when I somehow yanked the dangling light cord with my elbow, pulling down the VERY HEAVY and SHARP-EDGED box of condoms….
RIGHT ON MY HEAD!
Well, ALMOST right on my head.
The deathly device missed my head, but only barely, and spread blue Trojans in its wake.
CUE FLASHING OF LIFE BEFORE EYES…
I survived within an inch of my life.
And it’s true what they say. When you survive a near-death experience, everything seems sweeter. The sky seems bluer. The sun seems SHINIER. And the condoms spread across the bedroom floor? They seem almost joyful in all their blue Trojan brilliance.
Even so, I’ve decided to move the cedar box from its lofty perch.
Why tempt fate?
***
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Mother. Coffee drinker. Information seeker. Skeptic. Creative. Dreamer. Schemer. Absolutely Bananas.
By Kimberly on Sep 17, 2007 | Reply
How do you do it? How do you take any otherwise mundane event (if you can call a near death experience mundane, that is) and make it marvelously entertaining?
You’re delightful!
By Erin - ExpectingExecutive on Sep 17, 2007 | Reply
OMG!!! ‘Nuff said.
(tears still rolling down the cheeks from laughing)
Erin
http://www.ExpectingExecutive.com
Helping Women Manage Life’s Details
By Jen M. on Sep 17, 2007 | Reply
I want to comment on how happy I am that you are unscathed, but I am still too much in a state of extreme envy over your new closet. Sigh…
By JaniceNW on Sep 17, 2007 | Reply
Um….that might kill the mood…for weeks!!! Thanks for the giggle. I really needed it tonight. CJ might be a sweeter, kinder teenager than my boys, I mean you can always hope right? To be honest, this parenting teen thing is so much more difficult than I ever imagined. If I had somewhere to run away to, I’d be gone.
It’s a good thing they start out little and really cute……..
By Mamma on Sep 17, 2007 | Reply
Killed by condoms! I can just see the headlines now.
Oh please make Jay promise that he will remove all evidence if that is indeed the way you should go.
Is it time for BlogHer yet? You are so damned funny. I miss you!!
By Just Beachy on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
See, I am new here and this is my first reading, and all I can say is…well, no, I can’t say that. hee. You are seriously funny.
By WorksForMom on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Wow, you couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried! Can you imagine explaining THAT injury to an ER nurse?
By Violet on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
And to think they market condoms as being “for your health and protection” in addition to the obvious no-swimmers-visiting idea!
By ReesePie on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
HA HA HA HA HA HA! Too funny. Get a staple gun and staple those silly cords to the ceiling.
By Mama Zen on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
What a way to go!
By Summer on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
HA HA HA HA HA!
I say tape that cord to the ceiling. That’s what we did with our internet connection cord.
By Sunshine on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
That box makes it looks like you have tons and tons of sex. In which case, I would not point out this post to my spouse for fear he thinks we are “behind” and need to catch up.
By A Whole Lot of Nothing on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
I was so afraid that I was going to read you had died.
Then I realized you had written the story, and now I’m relieved. Whew.
By MommyMommy on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Death by Condoms!
By Alex Elliot on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
I can honestly say that I’ve never had a near death by condoms experience. I’ll have to extra cautious now that I know it’s a possibility. I’m glad your OK!
By Sarah on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Who knew that safe sex could kill ya?!
By Not the Queen on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Sooo funny!
I knew there was a reason I disliked condoms. Not only are they always in the least convenient place, they can also be mood killers.
Thanks for enlightening me!
By tulipmom on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Whatever happened to keeping them in your nighttable? Actually don’t answer that. I’m remembering a scene from a year or two ago with S.B. pulling ‘em out asking “Daddy what are these?”
Glad you’re OK!
I’d KILL for that closet!
By Tuesday Girl on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
That would have been a funny death scene to walk in on though.
Death by condoms.
By JoeinVegas on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
But using a pretty wooden box is kind of classy.
By Bananas on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Using a pretty wooden box = classy
Writing about condoms = tacky
Oh the contradictions here at Absolutely Bananas! It makes my head ache! (or maybe that’s the pain of what nearly was…?)
By Melinda on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Hilarious! I wish people would write about events in their lives like this more often, but then again, events with condoms falling from above probably don’t happen that often : )
Now we know what kind of “skeletons” you have in your closet. Careful of those cords though, I have first-hand experience with electric shock! Let me tell you…not fun.
Thanks for the chuckles!
By Anonymous on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Slate Magazine’s awesome condom review.. it is hilarious. I would go with the Pleasure Plus. Trojans are so old school.
By Anonymous on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
oh yeah, try out Pjur eros while you are at it… reduces chance of yeast infections!
By Mert on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
ROFL! That’s actually kind of hawt in a “near death” experience kind of way… life affirming even.
BTW, the Trojan wrappers… so very much Tiffany like in color. Purty choice of contraceptives LOL!
Gad, your post made my day.
By Queen of Shake-Shake on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
If the condoms had killed you, I would have blown up hundreds and tied them to my mini van in honor of you.
By New Diva on the Blog on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Hee Hee Hee Hee, thanks for the laugh. LOVED the into. to the fam!
By Cathy on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Hilarious!!
I would make fun of your storage system, but Hubs and I once stashed a rather large supply in the glove compartment of my vehicle. (vacation … you know … camping… anyway…)
A few months later, Hubs dropped off my truck for some sort of repair. Imagine his humiliation when he arrived to pick up the truck and the wide-eyed, laughing mechanics told him about the MANY condoms that fell out of his wife’s glove compartment.
I refused to go back to that place for months.
By magnolia mama on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
I have a friend who was hit in the head with a box of frozen bratwurst that fell off a cart on a balcony at a Milwaukee Brewers game.
Glad to hear you’re okay.
By Laural on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Oh, Lordy!
If this is how you write about a box of condmos falling on your head, may I wish that many more interesting things fall on you? So we can read about it and laugh? Or is that wrong?
By carrie on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
So now where are you going to keep those?
Maybe you’ll have to use them.
Sorry, that was inappropriate.
By Erin on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Hey-we have a box too. It’s all about camoflauge with young children. Our is an ugly green metal one (that would have match the stove in our first apartment perfectly) but it still gets the job done.
We don’t have the cool blue ones though…
By polliwog on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!
Because I am determined to make sure you obtain every single bloggy award out there, including ones that do not exist, I hereby christen you a Break Out Blogger (a blogger that is busting out at the seams!). You may pick up your badge here:
http://www.polliwogspond.com/2007/09/18/breakin-out/
By Shauna Loves Chocolate on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Noooo. There is no reason for you to have such things in your house. You’ve NEVER had sex before. CJ was a miracle child, right?
By Stephanie on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
That’s awesome. Glad you survived.
By Blue Momma on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
How did hubby manage to let that box get so far away from him?
Mine would have kept it under his pillow!!! You know, just in case..
By Life As I Know It on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Good grief, who knew a box of condoms could be so, so dangerous…yikes!
By cate on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
wow…death by condom…never heard of that before!
that is seriously hilarious! pee-my-pants hilarious!
By Jennifer aka Binky Bitch on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
This was a very good PSA, Jenny. You may have saved a life. So glad something good has come from your near-death experience!!
By JaniceNW on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
So this one time, one of my boys found our condoms(hidden in MY underwear drawer) and they opened ‘em all and blew them up and I caught them playing volleyball with them…..life in ‘burbs is always too much fun!!(”Funny laloons Mama!”
)
By Jill on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Any blog that writes about condoms is a favorite of mine. Pure brilliance!!
By Vicki's Vegan Vice on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
You are FUNNY!
By Lela on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
Omg you crack me up! Joyful blue trojans, rofl! I’m sure they namesakes would be very honored, lol!
By Seattle Mamacita on Sep 18, 2007 | Reply
death by trojans now that would be a new one..what a funny post bananas, i especially like your prologue to your in-laws but you could have told them the condoms are for trick or treaters
By BOSSY on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
Concussions are the best Birth Control.
By canape on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
Personally, I thought the bit about your wardrobe looking like a giant iPod was genius.
By Jessica on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
Death by rubbers. Man that would have made one heck of a byline for your obit. Too funny!!
By My name is Rima. on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
Perhaps the box-o-condoms was trying to give you a subtle hint. Has it been feeling neglected?
By slackermommy on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
Very funny! When you are done birthing babies you can bring up this story to the hubs as evidence to why he should get snipped.
By M on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
Oh cod help me. This is the kind of thing my family WOULD read. Then tease us about for the rest of eternity.
I especially appreciate the photo evidence. Brilliant!
By Maureen on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
And here I thought condoms were supposed to PREVENT accidents!!!!
By Brillig on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my gosh, this is just another reason why I love it here. You are so stinking funny.
By Worker Mommy on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
What a way to go…I mean if you gotta go that is.
Glad you survived the attack of the trojans. The world just wouldn’t be as funny w/o Bananas in it
By Trenting on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
That’s so funny that I have a little cedar box just like that [exaclty] in fact, no condoms though- maybe I should put some in there?
By TiaDavidandourLittleChickens on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
Freaking hilarious! And I love your graphics too! (p.s: I got here via Blog Rush…proof it works!) (p.p.s: restock your box with lambskins..you’ll be glad you did!)
Tia, sixredheads.com
By Krista on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
Oh, oh, oh, hilarious!
And I have one of those little cedar boxes… with the key hole in the front! I got it at my high school graduation… it was a gift from a local furniture store… wonder how many others there are out there!
Oh, and, ahem, MY condoms… have my name on them… as in a prescription. How weird is that!
By Eve on Sep 19, 2007 | Reply
nuh-uh…
By Jo Beaufoix on Sep 20, 2007 | Reply
Hee hee, hilarious.
And ooohh that would have hurt.
Your parents do know you did the nasty at least once you know…
By Rachel on Sep 21, 2007 | Reply
I totally needed that laugh today!!
Headline reads” Woman Killed By Flying Condom Box”
By Lorelai on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Oh lord - too funny. Vasectomy anyone???
By kellyo75 on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
That’s hilarious. I am seriously Cracking up here! I am so glad that you made it through that terrifying experience, unhurt.
By Misty Dawn on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Oh my gosh - I’m gasping for breath - that is SO funny. But, I have to admit, I DO like the wardrobe/closet thingy!
By shauna on Sep 22, 2007 | Reply
Okay, so I was laughing out loud already, but then you had to insert that durn picture and make me pee my pants. Thanks a lot!
By Storm on Feb 25, 2008 | Reply
Very entertaining. Thanks for the making the “every day” extraordinatry.
By Lynette on Jun 11, 2008 | Reply
So much for SAFE sex… LOL