In which I am nearly decapitated by a falling box of condoms

NOTE TO FAMILY MEMBERS: Jay most ardently urges that you NOT read this post. If you do decide to take the plunge and read it, please be advised that it is absolutely not true at all. We do NOT have condoms in our household. We do NOT have a use for condoms because we don’t engage in any, erm, “acts” that would require them. Ever. NOT EVEN ONCE! And if you INSIST on reading AND believing what you read, please have the courtesy to pretend you never saw it. On with the show…!

This afternoon I had the most terrifying experience. A NEAR-DEATH experience… the kind where your life flashes before your eyes.

We recently installed a brilliant wardrobe system in our “master” (ha!) bedroom to help compensate for the teeny-tiny-so-small-just-blink-and-you-could-miss-it “closet.”

Our new wardrobe looks like this:

It has these little holes in the top for lights, so that you can have AMBIANCE of the most romantic and seductive nature. Excellent. I do enjoy ambiance, romance AND seduction, and of course a good shelf or two. What’s not to love?

The only problem is, the lights have this long and clunky cord, which we cannot figure out what to do with.

So the wardrobe system ACTUALLY looks like this:

it’s like a giant iPod gone amuck!

Now something else you need to know is that I have this small cedar jewelry box that I’ve had, like, forever.

Oddly enough my house seems to be full of little boxes of varying shapes and sizes… glass, wood, ceramic, metal… it doesn’t matter what they’re made of because what’s inside is almost always the same; a sad assortment of buttons, half-used erasers, hair berets, safety pins, pennies, gum wrappers and really really old receipts. Me, organized? Naaaaah…

Anyway, THIS particular cedar box is put to an other, more titillating use.

Witness,

Ahem.

ANYWAY, my darling husband, man of the hour, light of my life, and apple of my eye, came up with the rather LESS THAN brilliant idea to use said cedar box to hold back the offending cord by placing it way up high on top of the wardrobe with cord behind. As the box is rather heavy, its weight will keep the cord in place.

Anyone see anything wrong with this plan? Anyone?

ANYONE??

I was getting something out of one of the drawers, when I somehow yanked the dangling light cord with my elbow, pulling down the VERY HEAVY and SHARP-EDGED box of condoms….

RIGHT ON MY HEAD!

Well, ALMOST right on my head.

The deathly device missed my head, but only barely, and spread blue Trojans in its wake.

CUE FLASHING OF LIFE BEFORE EYES…

I survived within an inch of my life.

And it’s true what they say. When you survive a near-death experience, everything seems sweeter. The sky seems bluer. The sun seems SHINIER. And the condoms spread across the bedroom floor? They seem almost joyful in all their blue Trojan brilliance.

Even so, I’ve decided to move the cedar box from its lofty perch.

Why tempt fate?

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