Talking to your child about disability
August 7, 2007 – 2:23 pmIn June I wrote this post about my struggle with teaching CJ about people who are disabled; What to say, what to do, what not to do.
Children are so honest. CJ stares. His eyes widen. I feel the questions coming, and I cringe and pull his arm to hurry him along. I don’t know how to answer him and I don’t want to cause embarrassment or distress. So I try to avoid the situation.
I suppose the root of the problem is that I don’t know how to act. Is it better to look? Or to avert my eyes? To act like nothing is wrong? Or to try to help? My first instinct is to look away, to avoid eye contact. But then, at the last minute I want to smile, to say hello, to pretend like they are just like me. But they’re not… and the minute their eyes meet mine I am petrified that they’ll see my thoughts reflected there.
I received so many supportive and helpful comments to this post. Since writing it, I’ve thought about this topic a lot. One of the things I love most about blogging is the way it enables you to work through your thoughts and feelings in order to find your own personal truth.
I am writing on this topic again in order to share with you where I’m at today with these questions. I feel more settled in my perspective, and have already found that I am calmer and more confident in addressing this issue as it comes up with CJ.
The world is full of all types of people. Some people are made very differently than us. Some people are tall, some are short. Some are fast, some are slow. Some people are very small. Some people’s legs don’t work. Some people don’t have control over their faces, their mouths, their tongues. But inside, we are all people. And, as people, we don’t like to be stared at. We don’t like to be pointed at. We don’t like to be laughed at. Every person, no matter what we look like, wants to be treated with respect and courtesy.
It’s a process. This isn’t the type of thing where I can talk to CJ once and have him magically transformed into the picture of discretion and grace; he is, after all, four. He still stares and sometimes points. It’s hard for four-year olds to really get the concept of how their behavior impacts someone else. But I feel secure in the knowledge that, if I am consistent in my message and if I model the appropriate behavior, he will learn to deal with these situations with kindness and respect.
Resources for talking to your kids about people with disabilities:
- Talking to preschoolers about disability, by Penny L. Richards. Includes some excellent tips and guidelines for talking to your children about disability.
- Parents Please. The mother of an exceptional child expresses her perspective on what we parents should be teaching our children.
- Is your life hard or super hard? A disabled woman talks about an encounter with a mom and her 3-year old that she felt was handled well by the mother.
If you know of other helpful resources on this topic, let me know and I’ll link them here. And thanks again everyone for your thoughtful and honest comments.
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By BethGo on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
Hey, thanks for the link.
I understand that it is a process and my post was based on one particular incident where two ugly little girls were following my son around at a party pointing, whispering and staring and there parents who were present did absolutely nothing about it.
I couldn’t really say anything without looking like a loon, you know?
Anyway, thanks for making an effort with your own son.
ps
I like your blog ;)
[Reply to this comment]
By BethGo on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
Is it bad that I called those girls ugly?
Yep, probably.
Ok. It was their behavior that was ugly.
Blech.
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By carrie on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
It is so hard, especially when you’re in the moment for the first time! Being prepared definitely gives you a leg up on how to handle your child’s natural curiosity about ALL people in a delicate, respectful way.
Carrie
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By Eileen on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
I think it is wonderful that you are so sensitive to this issue and are willing to bring it up for discussion. I really like your approach with your child, and your right about being consistent. My sister had a neuro-muscular disorder. I was always uncomfortable with people staring at her, but it never bothered her. She always liked it when people looked her in the eye and smiled, treated her like everyone else. She was a beautiful person, and I learned a lot from her. And I appreciate you bringing this up.
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By Gledwood on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
I never had problems like that… but the downside? I was brought up to be like a white mouse, never expressing my opinion about anything! Yes, that is a difficult one … it is hard striking the right balance … I do not have children to worry about anyway …
who am I ??
what am I doing here?
i coasted in from your friend Janice’s blog
thought I would say hi while I’m here
so
HI!!!
take it easy
gledwood
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By Lisa on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
THanks for all of those links. I need to check them out.
Seth has usually doesn’t ask until later on. And I try to reinforce the fact that the person is just like he and I. That we all have feelings, likes, dislikes, whatnot. But I do wonder what I could better…
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By Ninja Of The Mundane on Aug 8, 2007 | Reply
Hi, Jenny. Jim in Bremerton here ….
I like your blog. I find this topic scary and fascinating all at once. I’m not a parent, but I have a brother with severe Asperger’s who’s hanging on to an independent life by the whites of his fingernails. I never became a parent because I’m scared to have a child like my brother (and several cousins who are the same). So I’m in awe of people who plunge right in to the challenge, propelled by fierce love, and decide to make it all work whether it all works or not.
People like you show more courage in the course of a day than I could exhibit in a lifetime.
[Reply to this comment]
By Martin on Aug 8, 2007 | Reply
Is this specific for disabled or just strange stuff in general.
“Dad, loook! why does that man has so much hair on his back!” =)
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By Cathy on Aug 8, 2007 | Reply
Thanks for addressing this topic — I’ll definitely follow those links.
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By Mama Zen on Aug 8, 2007 | Reply
With my four year old, I always try to treat the question (or whatever) as completely natural (which it is).
Then, I try to answer as best I can without a lot of shushing etc. I hope to teach her polite behavior (no pointing, stuff like that) without giving her the impression that a disability is a bad thing that you shouldn’t acknowledge.
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By Tom on Sep 2, 2007 | Reply
Great post!
Thank you for sharing and helping to place this issue in the publics’ conscience.
I founded an organization in 1989, Dreams for Kids http://www.dreamsforkids.org. In the beginning years we reached out to assist underprivileged children. Twelve years ago, we were introduced the world of disability and were to find out just how isolated this world can be.
Since that time, we created the first activities program of its kind in Chicago for children with disabilities, giving kids an opportunity to play sports for the first time in their lives.
Now we have launched a global youth leadership program, Dream Leaders, which gives kids of all abilities an opportunity to work together on cooperative projects to serve the local and world communities and, most importantly to see each other for ability rather than disability.
We have a motto in our organization, which is the title to one of the chapters in the recently published book on Dreams for Kids, Kiss of a Dolphin. The motto is “Just Say Hi”
We grew up being taught “not to stare. Today we are teaching our kids to reach out to each other and recognize the beauty and talent and gifts which exist in us all. In the process, it is our hope that they will change the world.
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