Parents are just people who happen to have children
August 6, 2007 – 8:49 pmWhen I became a parent my life changed in every possible way. There was the lack of sleep, the lack of hygiene, the lack of ANYTHING outside of changing diapers and nursing. But those things I expected. What I didn’t expect was the way being a parent shifted my perspective on other people. Suddenly, it was as if there was this ethereal glow that surrounded every other parent. We were a special group, bonded by babies, united by a secret perspective on life that was ours alone.
So I was surprised, no shocked, when I would encounter someone who didn’t fit into my preconception of what parents were like. A mother, shrieking at her little girl in the grocery store when she lagged behind. What?! This can’t be a mother. This must be the nanny or the evil aunt. The man who is nasty to CJ at the playground and then yells at his son. Who is he? How can a father act like this?
But slowly, one bad encounter at a time, I came to realize that, while becoming a parent is truly a life-altering and positive thing for some people; for others it’s just like getting a new pair of shoes. And for a few, I suspect that having children actually worsens their already bad tendencies.
Mean people, small-minded people, really downright nasty people- they all can have babies too, and they do. And unfortunately, the having of the babies doesn’t transform them into GOOD people.
In a weird way this revelation has helped me to be more realistic… To not be so bothered by bad parental behavior. Now when I see a mom behaving badly or a dad acting out, I think “Oh, she’s just one of those,” or “he’s just a jerk.” I don’t feel the burning need to understand WHY, the feeling that something is fatally wrong with the universe.
Parents aren’t special. Not really. They’re just people who happen to have children.
Other deep thoughts:
-Deep reflections on a wading pool
-You can learn a lot from a goldfish
-The little things
-What have YOU been sniffing?
***
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By Jen M. on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
I couldn’t agree more. Good parents are special people with children.
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By Heather on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
Or maybe it could be possible that the parent is having a bad day when you happen to come across them?
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By Wendy on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
I’m with Heather on this. While I would like to be good all the time, bad moments pop up… maybe my hubbie is out of town (again), Kid’s been screaming in the car all the way to the store, constant leg-grabbing and boob-poking at home, fighting with the dog, and that incident at the store is just.the.last.straw.
Sometimes, I like to stretch out that time between her getting into the car (from wherever) and me getting in. It’s so quiet.
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By Absolutely Bananas on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
Sometimes I’m sure people are just having a bad day and you’re right, it’s good to give them the benefit of the doubt… but there are times when you can tell that they’re just MEAN, NOT NICE, DOWNRIGHT NASTY people… ya know?
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By Mamma on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
There definitely are some people who should not have children–the ones who have them as an accessory.
And then there are those moments when a good parent is just pushed to the edge.
I know my fuse has been short once or twice or a thousand times.
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By JaniceNW on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
One needs a license to get married and to drive but one needs nothing but sperm and egg to get pregnant. Kinda scary especially if you hang out in Fremont…
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By summershine on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
There are some parents you catch at a stressful moment (I’ve had plenty of those) and there are some who are, “MEAN, NOT NICE, DOWNRIGHT NASTY people.”
Like the woman I ran into in a very busy public restroom shouting obscenities (I’m talkin F this and F that) unashamedly at her FOUR year old for not using the toilet fast enough.
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By Janine @ Moving Mama on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
Sometimes I wonder how some children survive childhood. Yes, we’ve all had our moments, but I’ve had to witness some of the saddest situations with children who have truly messed up parents… I keep them in my prayers because sometimes it seems only the big guy upstairs is watching over them…
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By Jennifer aka Binky Bitch on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
You can tell those people who never really wanted to have kids, I think. It’s different than the people who are just having a bad day. Like you said in your comment, Jenny, there are those who are just downright nasty.
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By Stephanie on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
Like you said, sometimes parenting brings out the worst in people. My husband and I were just talking about this the other day when our sweet, darling little baby was SCREAMING in the car and my nerves were fraying quickly. I said, “This is why people shake babies.” And he said, “This is why people with no self-control shouldn’t have children.”
Being a teacher long before I became a parent helped me see that some parents are just bad parents. It’s sad, but true.
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By Eileen on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
Sadly, there really are some people who should not have children. Having been a Social Worker for many years, I have just seen it too often. It makes me so sad and I don’t get it. I tend to think they did not get the parenting they needed while growing up, and the cycle continues. Not always, but much too often.
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By Mitch McDad on Aug 6, 2007 | Reply
Hey we all have our moments…but some people just don’t get it.
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By Jenn on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
We do all have our moments…I’ve had my fair share of not-so-fabulous parenting moments. And I’ve been ashamed afterwards.
But there are those parents that you can tell just “are” that way, 90% of the time. The way the kids cringe from them, or the way the kids look down-trodden when the yelling starts, like they are accustomed to it.
There was a woman I was in an elevator with not too long ago and she had a child with her, maybe 3 years old. She kept smacking that child upside her head for no obvious reason. The kid wasn’t crying, wasn’t behaving badly, she was JUST STANDING THERE. The kid didn’t respond or react, she just took it, smack after smack, and didn’t make a sound.
And it broke my heart. I told the little girl I thought she had beautiful shoes on because I wanted to see her smile. The mom glared at me and said “This ain’t none yer bidness.”
What do you do? Do you step in when you see that kind of abuse and say something, or does it make it worse for the kid? I wanted to shake that mom and smack her around, but I was afraid if I said something, the kid would suffer in the end.
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By myminivanisfasterthanyours on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
SOOO true! My oldest is almost three and some of girlfriends with kids the same age are saying they have to stop spending time with some of their playdate friends because of the way they treat their kids. They of course don’t want their own children around that type of behavior.
Sad but true :(
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By Carla on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
Marriage and having children are two ways that shine a light on all of our shortcomings, our anxieties, our character defects. It is OUR reaction to a situation that shows OUR need to grow in those areas. I will admit I have been at that edge…where the desire to slap my child upside the head has been overwhelming. The need to lash out at someone so innocent. So what stops me? What causes me to turn from the edge and get down on my knees and really SEE my precious one when I look into their eyes?
God’s grace.
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By Carla on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
When a child is being abused right in front of you, Please do something. No, you don’t want to get in a scuffle with a hitting mom but, call 911 then.
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By Rachel on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
Crap, I totally didn’t know you saw me in the grocery store.
Dang.
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By Megan/ Velveteen Mind on Aug 7, 2007 | Reply
I read this post last night and kept thinking about it today. I used to be a member of a mom board for SAHMs and they were fairly anti-working moms, which always felt wrong to me. I tried on several occasions to say that I think there are some mothers who are better off working rather than being home with their kids all day, because there are some mothers who do not make great full-time at-home moms.
Women that, sure, maybe shouldn’t have had children, but seriously, who are we kidding? Yet, that was always the go-to response on the board, “They never should have had children if…” Whatever. I never did figure out what world these board women lived in, so I returned to my own.
Great post, Jenny.
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By VeggieVixen on Aug 12, 2007 | Reply
I love the way that was written!!! :)
I may just need to blog quote you! ;)
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