Desperately Seeking Perfect
August 1, 2007 – 7:50 pmLast week I had the opportunity to go to a hosted luncheon with life coach Kathy Peel. The session was sponsored by AOL Body and promised to give me much needed advice on the topics of Family & Home.
I hadn’t heard about Kathy Peel before the luncheon, but apparently she is wildly famous, having appeared places like OPRAH and having written 19 books. 19 books! Obviously this lady has it going on. Daring Young Mom was positively ga-ga for Kathy Peel. And five minutes into the luncheon, I could see why.
This woman is a firecracker; an absolute bundle of energy and excitement. Listening to her I got a glimpse of the potential future NEW ME. All I had to do was implement her program, read her book Desperate Households (of which I had a complementary autographed copy), and voila! I would be transformed into a whirlwind of effectiveness, efficiency, and cleanliness. My house would be Clean! Organized! Fun! My family would be Happy! Organized! Fun! My personal life would be Successful! Organized! Fun! My finances would be Together! Organized! Fun! (well, maybe not fun… but you get the drift)
There’s something wrong with me. Seriously. I have this personality type that causes me to seek perfection in all things. So when I hear someone touting a program that promises the end goal that I so desperately strive for (PERFECTION) I leap on board head-first. There’s no skepticism, all I see is the Promised Land and the certainty that this program will get me there.
Only it doesn’t.
And when I fall short of my dream (as I inevitably do) I am left with an overbearing sense of the dark, dismal, and very gloomy side of things. Having tried and failed is worse than never having tried. All I can see is failure… dust… dirt… grime… clutter… they whirl around me like demons, sucking out my spirit while taunting me. You aren’t perfect! You never will be! Neener neener neener!
(I’ll bet you didn’t know that demons say “neener neener neener,” did you? Well I’m here to tell you they do.)
Oh, the problem isn’t with the program. Kathy Peel is a smart, savvy woman. She’s been there, done that, and probably SELLS the t-shirt. Her advice is solid, sound, and sensible. But the simple fact is that my personality is not suited to achieving the perfection that I so desperately seek. I blog. I read magazines and chat on the phone. I drop everything to go the park on a sunny afternoon. Sometimes I just sit on the couch and stare into space or lie on the floor with my head pillowed on a pile of laundry. I look at the dust bunnies in the corner, the dead fly laying by the base of the fridge, and the fingerprints on the window and think, Tomorrow. I’ll get to them tomorrow.
Why can’t I accept who and how I am and come to terms with the inevitable result of my way of being? Why must I always strive to be something I’m not?
So I’ve come to a decision. This is big– no, HUGE– for me. I am NOT going to implement Kathy Peel’s program, even though I desperately want to. I am going to put her excellent book on the shelf next to Rich Dad Poor Dad and The South Beach Diet and the hundred other self-help books that have taken up residence there.
I will not focus on trying to be perfect.
I will focus on the good parts of my life. My house is a HOME. It is messy, sometimes dirty, and always comfortable. It is filled with love and laughter… and yes the occasional spider. But that’s ok.
Only hospitals are sterile. Only empty houses are perfectly neat and clean.
Life is messy. People are untidy. Little boys are grimy. Happiness is disorganized.
The state of my house reflects the state of my life; full. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
And so, I will not seek perfection.
I will seek contentment.
***
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Mother. Coffee drinker. Information seeker. Skeptic. Creative. Dreamer. Schemer. Absolutely Bananas.
By Heather Leigh on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Never heard of this lady. Interesting and motivating, but, could you imagine having this amazing woman as your mother-in-law? Oh my goodness, I think you’d just have to shoot me.
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By Jen M. on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
You speak to my inner demons, as well. Sometimes my optimism leads me to believe I can DO THINGS that, um, maybe aren’t quite realistic!
I’m going to have to check out your links on this woman — I’m always up for some motivation!
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By chilihead on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Exactly. Contentment is really all there is. Perfectionism is elusive and all-consuming (if you let it be). I learned the hard way and my kids beat it out of me.
I’ll take contentment over perfection any day of the week.
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By hello insomnia on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
She seems motivating, but really, it’s up to the individual.
And individually, I’m seeking sustained happiness.
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By Midwest Mommy on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
This is me too! Since staying home I always feel like my house needs to be ready in case Mr. Clean comes for an inspection. There are days when all of a sudden the day is gone and I have no idea what I have accomplished besides playing with baby girl! Love this post!
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By An Ordinary Mom on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Very well stated!
Often times people get so caught up on seeking and achieving perfection that they forget that the journey is most often what is most important.
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By Day Dreamer on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Sing it Sistah!
It’s all about choices. I can have a perfect house, or I can have good quality time with my kids and husband. I really cannot have both AND work AND blog AND…forget it. I laughd out loud at my co-worker who was a perfectionist and pregnant for the first time. She’ll either get it or wind up overbearing and nutty.
It’s as good as it gets. Really.
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By Amber on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Quite the epiphany, my dear, and hopefully it will be one resolution you (and the rest of us) keep!!
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By bellevelma on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
I’m with you! Only, uh, my laundry is not folded so if I want to make a pillow out of it I have to bunch the pile up.
Did I ever tell you about the time I joined Flylady? Ha ha ha ha ha. The only thing that really got cleaned was my sink. It cluttered my in-box so much I had to opt out. Oh well.
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By Brillig on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Actually, I DID know that demons say “neener neener”–at least mine do. And, from the sounds of things, you and I have the very same demons. I love your resolution!
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By Deborah on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Um yeah… did I write this last night somewhere between the first and second bottle of wine? No… probably not so coherent… but this pretty much sums up my feelings… I’ve been trying the fly lady thing for eons and aevery time I tell myself this will be it… but no… it never is. Thank you for making me feel half way normal!
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By Queen Heather on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
First off my Ya-Ya, hospitals are NOT sterile. You wanna get sick…go spend some time in a hospital. no lie.
Second, you already are perfect. Do you really want to measure the part that makes Jenny Jenny by dirt? I know I certainly don’t use that as my measuring stick when I think of Jenny’s perfectness.
Ms. Peel’s perfection may be in cleaning efficiently, organizing and blah blah. But it doesn’t have to be everyone else’s perfection. What a boring place it would be if that were so.
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By Believer in Balance on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Bravo! I’m still caught in that trying to be perfect trap and failing miserably. I need to loosen up a bit! Of course if I get much looser I’ll run out of money buying clean underwear for my kids because the laundry is NEVER done and my house will be condemned. I just hate the clutter. Dirt I can handle. Clearly, I’m not clear what perfect means. :) You were a blast to hang out with. I’m already looking foward to seeing you again next year!
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By Smiling Mom on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Love it!! Hire a house cleaner, then you don’t ever have to worry about that nagging little voice saying, “clean the bathroom” “The shower is dirty”
You only have to listen to the voices that say, “We can’t afford this.” “You should be working to afford luxuries like these”
But those type of voices are always in your head. So hire a house cleaner twice a month. Live is so much better!
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By Smiling Mom on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Live is so much better? Let’s try “Life is so much better” :-)
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By tulipmom on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
I hate those life coaches.
It sounds like you’re well on your way to achieving contentment.
Thanks for such a great post.
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By Karen on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Life coaches with 19 books and book tours and luncheons aren’t scrubbing their own bathroom floors. I’ll bet Ms. Peel has a housekeeper!
Excellent post!
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By Kimberly on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
Ahh…that was brilliant. I needed to read that. Thank you.
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By Jas on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
That’s so well said. Thank you for that one more reassurance that being imperfect and ordinary is just as sweet! We don’t need to be super duper to be happy.
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By shaz on Aug 1, 2007 | Reply
sounds like enlightenment to me!!
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By www.nolanotes.com on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
Your life sounds perfect to me!
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By Lene on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
This is a great post. I definitely relate to it. I am like you, I am constantly buying self help books to try to improve myself.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts…they definitely ring home with me.
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By Cathy on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
Kathy sounds like my BIL’s wife, the woman I call Perfect Linda.
I may have to see her this weekend.
*sigh*
Of course, she does make wonderfully, gooey chocolate things, so I can’t totally hate her.
I say, “YES!” to contentment. Perfectionism takes too much … yawn … work.
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By OMSH on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
“Only hospitals are sterile. Only empty houses are perfectly neat and clean.”
THIS is my new mantra! YES!
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By Pinks & Blues Girls on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
You’re absolutely right… contentment is where it’s at… trying to strive for that can be tough, but you so seem to have it under control. Maybe you should write a book on contentment?? You have a buyer here!!
Love your blog… !!
- Audrey
Pinks & Blues Girls
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By Queeny on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
Strive for mediocrity. I gave up on perfection seven years ago –when i got married.
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By Summer on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
Very well said.
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By Michelle on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
There’s no such thing as perfect.
It’s very liberating, actually.
And also true.
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By Maureen on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
And therin you HAVE found it.
You are the perfect you.
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By Worker Mommy on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
Amen sista, you said it.
I have to constantly remind myself that I can’t do it all…but that life is still rich and full !
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By polliwog on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
This is why I call myself “slacker mommy” or “queen of mediocrity.”
Yet, even still, despite knowing better, I don’t feel I’ll actually ever be loved or accepted unless I “fix” myself.
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By Janine @ Moving Mama on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
Oh no, your inner demon uses my college nickname (Neener) to torment you - aack!
I think we all can define what our own “perfect” is - for some it includes a pin neat house for others it’s just making sure the table doesn’t have day old food on it… And I think there are way too many books out there telling us how to achieve the author’s dream perfection and not our own.
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By shauna on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
Those demons come to me too (and you’re right–they do say neener, neener, neener). It’s all about balance and priorities (which I still haven’t gotten down yet). If I want to be a good mom (and raise emotionally healthy kids) my house won’t be emaculate (at least not for longer than, say, 15 minutes, and not more than one room at a time). So I have to come to terms with the clutter, the inevitable smattering of toys on the floor, the mounds of laundry. It can still get to me though…
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By genevieve on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
So today I received an email with a link to this great blog. My initial thought was, “Man, if I decide to have children, I hope I have some friends like these. There not perfect in every way, shape and form”. I have dust and dog hair that I look at daily. Currently in my sink: dishes from last night’s dinner. Bed made? Nope. My sweet husband did clean the shower this morning (and I didn’t even ask). My in-laws came over to see our new house for the first time on Sunday. There was dog hair on the floor, bed was not made and there was mud (still there today) all over the back door window from the puppy and his mud-wallowing!
I say all of this because as of last March, my mother-in-law is KATHY PEEL!
She is not perfect and certainly doesn’t expect me to be! In fact, all 3 of her boys are NOT perfect (I can tell you stories). They are all good people with fun quirks. Kathy’s intention in her books, speaking, and in life is to encourage. She does this on many levels with many people. She is a firecracker and a bundle of energy! I am not. There are times when I want to rant and rave! She -amazingly- is positive most of the time. Again, nobody’s perfect.
I have never read her books and I don’t know that I will (sorry Kathy, I just don’t have the time!). I do know that Kathy’s goal is to help women/mothers make home a good place and not go crazy with all of the responsibilities of life! That formula is as unique as each woman. Give her a chance; she’s not expecting or promoting the perfection you think.
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By Absolutely Bananas on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. LOVE them! I do hope that this post didn’t come across as “slamming” Kathy, as that was very much not my purpose. I really liked her and thought her message was motivating and sensible. My issue is 100% all ME. My tendency to turn a good idea into a quest for perfectino. My tendency to get disheartened by the things I’m NOT doing. My need to find perfection. Got it? Good.
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By Shannon on Aug 2, 2007 | Reply
I thought Kathy was pretty motivating. (Except for that bit about the wooden spoon. Ahem.) In some ways I like the concept of “running your home like a business.” I got some good ideas from her, but I am like you in that I’ve tried a lot of “self help” books and have finally realized that I’m OKAY just how I am!
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By canape on Aug 3, 2007 | Reply
I got the impression that Kathy was encouraging women to have contentment - not perfection. To get their homes in a smooth running state where they can be comfortable - and that doesn’t mean it has to be perfect.
So you’re good. You can have that glass of wine at 4:00 PM instead of 5:00 and you’ll still be good ;)
But I really wasn’t listening, so how would I know?
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By Nap Warden on Aug 3, 2007 | Reply
I went to that lunch. When I asked her how you get your family “on board” when they are under two and throw tantrums, she told me to use a wooden spoon. She had me in her corner until she suggested that I beat my child. I think it takes nerve to tell a complete stranger to take a spoon to their baby…I will not be reading her book as well…
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By family manager on Aug 5, 2007 | Reply
Words are powerful and can take on a life of their own, especially on the Internet where misquotes and misunderstandings can go unchallenged and shape what people perceive as truth. I’m jumping in to set the record straight on a couple of issues.
First, my passion and life purpose is to help busy moms make home a good place to be so that everyone who walks through the door, including mom herself, can say, “It’s so good to be home!” This will never happen if you strive for perfection. In fact, I’ve done Family Manager Makeovers on women who tried to create perfect home and ended up making their husband, children, and themselves miserable. Women like this have forgotten how to have fun and gotten sidetracked as to what’s most important in life—and there are a lot more important things than having a clean home.
Striving for perfection causes stress in a family, just like chronically running late and not being able to find a child’s shoe because it’s buried under last weeks’ newspapers causes stress. Someplace in the middle is what makes home a good place and every family has to decide for themselves where that place is.
Second, my heart hurts that anyone would think I promote child-beating. There is a world of difference between beating a child and giving one swat with a thin wooden spoon on the padded part of a child’s south end . . . that swat administered by a loving, in-control mom who wants the best for her child and knows that the end goal of any type of discipline is to teach the child to become self-disciplined. Never to inflict punishment.
There are times when motherhood calls for making difficult decisions about the type of discipline we should use to teach children important—and sometimes life or death—lessons. There may come a time when you have to decide which is worse: a) allowing a strong-willed child who persistently tries to touch a hot stove to do so and learn his lesson, or, b) giving him a serious reprimand and gentle swat on the hand to teach him you mean business about not touching the stove. I hope you choose b.
When our boys were young, my husband and I used discipline that involved physical pain only for serious issues. For example, when one of our boys was two, he pitched a fit because we would not let him run out into the street to chase a stray dog. We decided that we would rather our child learn to obey us when we said “no!” by giving him a controlled swat on the rear followed by a lot of loving and hugging than by allowing him to experience the consequence of getting bit by a dog or hit by a car. In many situations, natural consequences are the best teacher, and for some children, time-out in an unpleasant corner or even a stern word will suffice. But allowing a child who insists on getting his own way to harm himself is parental malpractice.
I’ve been a mom for 33 years. Like many women, I learned to parent by trial and a whole lot of error. I am thankful that the Proverb is true, “Love covers a multitude of sins,” and my children have given me a lot of grace.
Learning to be a good mom takes takes courage, consistency, and commitment—whether it’s trying to discover and work with how a child is wired, knowing when and how to discipline, or passing on the values we deem important. It’s a huge responsibility, but there’s no greater privilege
I appreciate your comments, both positive and negative, because they reveal your commitment to do your best at the most important job in the world. -Kathy Peel
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