A tinted shade of vanity

Things are going great,
and they’re only getting better
I’m doing all right,
getting good grades
The future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades…

Back in the 1980s when fashion reached an all-time low and people hummed along to groups like Timbuk 3 and Debbie Gibson, MY fashionista mom had a rockin’ pair of ultra tinted glasses.

Do you remember tinted glasses?

Tinted glasses were the BOMB. And mom’s were oh-so tinted. Pink on the top morphing into blue on the bottom. Where these shades met in the middle you got… YOU GUESSED IT… purple! (OOOOH). As a young and impressionable girl, I thought there was nothing cooler.

As I grew older and mom grew less cool (at least in my opinion), tinting fell out of style and mom found a new (smaller) pair of spectacles.

Fast forward to 2007. The 80′s are coming back. As evidence I give you:

Exhibit A: the return of the skinny jeans (moan)
Exhibit B: the return of the tube top (groan)
Exhibit C: the return of magenta, fuchsia, and NEON GREEN (vomit)

Does this mean tinted glasses are going to come back in too?

This question is very important to me for reasons that I am about to divulge.

I went to the optician a few weeks back with a mission; to get me some sunglasses. Lately I’ve had problems wearing my contacts, and since my only sunglasses are non-prescription, this has me wearing the old squint-eye for sun protection. Not so cute, and a sure way to create infinite amounts of wrinkles in a short period of time.

So I had this great idea. I’d get prescription sunglasses. The only problem with this grand scheme is that I have a tendency to LOSE things. Especially if they’re expensive.

Then, at the optician, I had my flash of brilliance. Or was it? I’ll let you be the judge.

I’d get TRANSITIONS glasses. Have you heard of these? Of course you have, they’ve been around for a while. The futuristic and wildly ingenious concept is that the glasses are CLEAR when it’s shady or dim, and DARK when it’s sunny and bright.

(If you are a generally shady or dim person, I guess they just stay clear)

I will get transitions lenses! I will have the best of both worlds!

(Are you beginning to see where the two plot lines converge here?)

So I picked out a pair of cute frames, did my ordering, and went on my way.

This weekend I got a call that my glasses were in. Hurray! Just in time for my trip to Chicago! I will get to enjoy the newly-found freedom from squinting provided me by my magical glasses.

Yeah. RIGHT.

I tried them on in the store. Cute. I like the frames.

I wore them out. And… what do you know? They started to transition when we got into the sunlight.

Here are the things I NOW know about transitions lenses:
a) they don’t get very dark
b) they’re preferred state of being is a shade BETWEEN clear and dark.
c) they’re basically TINTED GLASSES in disguise.

That afternoon I said to Jay, “I don’t think I like these glasses. I think they’re really dorky.”

His response? “You’re too old to be worried about things like that.”

TOO OLD? TOO OLD? TOO OLD? (deep breath… count to three… fuzzy bunnies fuzzy bunnies…)

Excuse me SIR, but I must inform you that
I am NOT TOO OLD.

Let’s have a look at some people who are the SAME AGE as me, shall we? And then we can make a judgment about whether I am TOO OLD to worry about my appearance.

Do you see any of THEM wearing tinted glasses, despite their decrepit state of ADVANCED AGING?

So I have the glasses. And as far as the transitioning part goes, they do make a certain sort of sense.

The only question IS, are they too dorky to wear?

I’ll let YOU be the judge.

Here’s what they look like when ‘Clear’: (note that even when “clear” they still have a subtle tint perfect for making you look like you have bags under your eyes)

Here’s how I look when they’re ‘Dark’:

Here’s how I look when they’re ‘In-between’:

What do you think?

***
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