This melancholy feeling
July 9, 2007 – 8:16 pmThere’s something about blogging that makes me regularly eat my words. It doesn’t matter that I don’t particularly LIKE eating my words (they’re rather bitter going down), or that I really am already quite FULL of my words. Still I find myself choking down the things I’ve said… Like the time that I rather loftily announced that CJ had never had an accident since being potty trained and the very next day he peed his pants at a play date.
So it probably shouldn’t come as a surprise that promptly following my glowing post about the joys of not working, I should have a morning like this one.
Don’t get me wrong, it was a glorious morning. The sun was shining… the brilliant blue sky was dotted with white fluffy clouds, and there was a slight breeze, just enough to keep you from getting too hot. I decided that it was the perfect day to head down to the Olympic Sculpture Park on the Seattle waterfront.
Our first stop is Uptown Espresso for an Americano (me) and chocolate milk (CJ). We decide to split a muffin, and sit down at a tiny metal bistro table on the sidewalk to watch the people go by.
It’s a different (and much smaller) crowd than is found here on the weekend. Two moms, walking their high-end strollers, their hair perfectly coiffed and their eyes hidden behind designer sunglasses. An elderly couple holds hands as they lean over the rail to gaze out at the water. A perfectly fit and tanned man runs by, his brown skin in stark contrast to his white shorts. And then there are the business people. A man in an expensive pair of slacks, blackberry in the holder on his belt, walking with purpose, a newspaper under his arm. Two women, smartly dressed in heels, laughing and talking. A man and woman, the woman on her cell phone, both in suits.
And suddenly, quite out of nowhere, I’m hit by a pang of envy for these well-dressed business people.
Me, the one in capris and tennishoes, hair windblown, wearing a small backpack and accompanied by a smiling little boy. Why should I envy them?
CJ and I throw our empty cups in the waste bin and wander down the pathway into the sculpture park. The day is truly glorious. I form a mental picture of all the people sitting in offices, unable to enjoy this day. I am the one to be envied!
But the pang doesn’t go away. Instead it builds, welling up from the pit of my stomach. CJ runs down to the little man-made beach and throws rocks at the water. “Look at that one mommy!” He announces proudly, “Look how FAR I can throw!”
I watch distractedly, absorbed by my thoughts.
What is the matter with me? Suddenly I am remembering work in a different, more rosy, light. My previous lifestyle floats before my eyes, like an old romance movie with warm lighting and soft focus.
I miss going out to coffee on a whim with other adults. I miss getting ready, putting on nice clothes, and feeling good about myself as I walk into my office in the morning with a sense of purpose. I miss the meetings, where people wanted to hear what I said, where we worked together to solve problems. I even miss the meetings where we didn’t get anything done… where talk digressed into laughter and gossip. I miss going to lunch with colleagues… Laughing, talking, eating good food. I miss wearing nice clothes. I miss spending money.
Oh, don’t worry. I know this feeling will pass. And even while I reminisce, I know in my heart that I don’t want to go back.
I suppose that much of what I’m experiencing is the realization that I have made a trade-off. And I’m seeing that for all the good things in my current lifestyle (and there are a lot of good things), there are also things that I miss about my old one.
And so, just for now, I’ll wallow in this melancholy feeling.
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By Queen Heather on Jul 9, 2007 | Reply
#!: I didn’t know there were actually TAN people in Seattle. I wish you’d taken a picture
#2 I totally wish you didn’t live so far away because we could schedule a cool blogger meeting with several of us and have one of those meetings where nothing gets done but laughing and gossiping.
#3: Sometimes I dress up just because.
#4 sometimes wallowing in it is the best way to get over it.
Go forth and wallow.
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By Annie on Jul 9, 2007 | Reply
I have been there!
In a moment of madness, or misplaced generosity, I offered to watch a friends 2 year old 2 summers ago while her regular child minder recovered from a hysterectomy.
I watched her head off to work perfectly dressed to the nines - hair perfect, make-up nicely done. I looked at myself, felt frumpy in shorts, t-shirt and flip flops and thought ‘that used to be me!’ - I used to be the one swanning off all business like.
I struggled with it for ages - it didn’t help that this same person used to tell me ‘oh I couldn’t never stay at home, I have to work - you know, to use my brain’ - talk about kicking me when I was down.
Then I got comfortable with the idea that I had nothing to prove to her (because I did start to feel inferior to her) or to anyone else. I moved past that - past those feelings of being very unsettled, of doubting my decision to stay at home.
I won’t deny that there are still times when I hanker for the workplace, but on balance, I feel I’m where I’m supposed to be right now.
You’re right - it is all about trade-offs and if I were at work - I’d be hankering to be at home.
Just my rather long winded way of saying that I truly know how you feel.
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By Smiling Mom on Jul 9, 2007 | Reply
I hear you! Why can’t we have it both ways?
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By Worker Mommy on Jul 9, 2007 | Reply
Yes, sometimes it is good to wallow.
And if you ever start to wallow too much think of me sitting her in my windowless office trying to finish a compensation survey all the while being interrupted by benefits problems *sigh*
and employee relations issues.
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By shaz on Jul 9, 2007 | Reply
did I write this?? because this could soo be me!
I completely feel you - even the eating your words after you blog about it part!
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By bellevelma on Jul 9, 2007 | Reply
It’s okay to wallow. In fact, I like to wallow with Ben and Jerry’s when I can. It seems to help.
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By Erika, Plain Jane Mom on Jul 9, 2007 | Reply
Do you miss being bored? Or working with morons? Or freezing in an over air-conditioned building? Or getting out of bed because the alarm clock says you have to?
I envy you.
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By Jen on Jul 9, 2007 | Reply
You know, I never had a real career before I became a SAHM (just the occasional crappy job or two) and even I miss going to work once in a while. I think it’s mostly being able to be around other adults that I miss. Sometimes I think being a SAHM is turning me into a babbling moron. I’ve kind of forgotten how to talk to adults.
The point? I guess it’s that being a SAHM is great but it has it’s own set of drawbacks.
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By Erika, Plain Jane Mom on Jul 10, 2007 | Reply
Let me rephrase that because my comment sounded mean. I meant to say that it sucks on this side as well, not that you’re a big whiner :)
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By Midwest Mommy on Jul 10, 2007 | Reply
The thing I miss most is now when I hang out with some of my friends (whom none have kids) from work I no longer have anything in common with them. They talk about school, classes, students and I sit there and listen while realizing that me, the one you usually can’t shut up, has nothing to talk about with these people. It’s a funny feeling when you realize you don’t “fit in” anymore.
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By moodswingingmommy on Jul 10, 2007 | Reply
What a great post! How did you know exactly how I feel sometimes?
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By Alex Elliot on Jul 10, 2007 | Reply
That’s how I feel too. Some days I’m so psyched to be at home and other days I wonder what the heck I was thinking.
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By andi on Jul 10, 2007 | Reply
I like Erika’s comment. Cliches exist because they are so true - the grass is always greener on the other side. There is definitely no perfect lifestyle.
Oh, and I keep meaning to thank you for continuing to visit my blog (and for the linky love!) I have an insane amount of blogs listed in my links, but only a handful that I must read everyday and now yours is one of them. :)
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By Lene on Jul 10, 2007 | Reply
Great post, yet again, Jenny! =)
I think many of us can relate to this one and your other post. Some days I love being a SAHM and some days I look forward getting back to work (and not just because my little guy is driving me nuts ;) ).
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By Jenn on Jul 10, 2007 | Reply
Here’s a quick reminder of work life, from my morning this morning: Get up at 5 a.m., rush around like a rapid dog to get ready and get morning stuff done, wake Unruly up at 6 a.m., encourage her again and again and again to get ready so we can be out the door by 6:30 a.m. Get her to camp at 7:30 a.m. Go to work.
Spend the day at work, wishing I was at home playing with my kid instead of answering phone calls and being nice to idiots and morons all day.
Pick Unruly up from camp and commute the hour drive home.
Get home with enough time to make dinner, spend a few minutes outside, read a story to the young’un and fall asleep on the couch in complete exhaustion.
See? No trips to the park. No fun time with my kids unless the day happens to start with an “S” or I break the sound barrier driving home.
I’d love to be able to get up and not have to worry about hose and heels, makeup and someone else’s schedule. Yes, yes I would.
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By Kimberly on Jul 10, 2007 | Reply
Nothing wrong with a little wallowing. =)
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By nell on Jul 10, 2007 | Reply
I so understand, and there are things that I don’t miss about having a “real job,” but there are good things too. It sucks that it’s just not possible to really have it all.
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By Jennifer aka Binky Bitch on Jul 10, 2007 | Reply
I got dressed up today because I was afraid that if I might forget how the use the flat iron and my mascara.
Sorry for the melancholy day. If you ever want to have a REALLY bad day, come visit me in Alabama! I’d be happy to share my lil’ screamer with you :)!
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By Slackermommy on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
I know what you mean. It’s easy to miss working because it looks so glamorous. When it really comes down to it I prefer not working outside the home but I still miss it from time to time. The nice thing is we can always go back when our children are grown or sooner if it works out that way.
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By Mert on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
I know what you mean. Don’t worry, this feeling may not go away completely but it sounds like you know that your decision is the best one for you and your child.
I made the same choices 6 years ago, and we moved from California to Iowa… our income was cut back 3/4 of what we were used to so the first year practically killed us. We managed to survive on 12 grand the first year.
But all of the sacrifices we made (good paying jobs for a combined 6 figure income, the California life style, the weather… plus all of things you mentioned) so that my daughter could go to better schools and be raised by her mother instead of someone else.
I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.
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By Mert on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
Actually, now that i do the math, we lived on less than a 10th of what we were making. OUCH! How did we do that? ;)
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By Cate on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
I get that way sometimes…but then I remembered that, no matter how nice it was to get out of the house, see people, get dressed up every morning, etc….I HATED my job…and then I feel better!
It must be hard if you really enjoyed your job…I’m not sure what that’s like…
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