The secret to my success
July 19, 2007 – 5:03 pmI must have been born lucky. Or maybe it’s good karma from all my kind and noble deeds. Whatever the case, I have been winning hand over foot, lottery upon lottery, prize after prize.
You think I’m kidding? I am SO not kidding.
Every single day my inbox fills up with notifications of my winnings. For example, this is one of three that just came in today:
From: From Costa Office
Date: Jul 18, 2007 9:38 AM
Subject: claim your winning prize, ( http://www.costa.co.uk/ )
To: no@no.com
We are pleased to inform you of the announcements today of Winners of the MEGA JACKPOT LOTTO WINNING PROGRAMS. Your company or personal e-mail address, is attached to a Ticket number 644-701-836-872, with a serial number 64483-72 drew the Lucky Winning Numbers 06-14-17-28-30-41.
You have therefore been awarded the total lump sum pay out of
£420,000.00 credited to File Ref No: AKO=276.89/CP4
You must contact the claims department by e-mail;
E-mail:infodep24@yahoo.co.uk
Phone: +44 70318 42689
+44 70457 06411
Congratulations once again from all our staff for being a part of our
Promotions program.
Mrs. Deborah Allen Ruth
The society lotteries are managed by Costa Coffee International Limited, certified by the Gambling Commission ELM Certification 180/3/2.
Thanks Mrs. Deborah Allen Ruth, I can’t WAIT to receive my prize!
That’s just one example. This week alone I’ve won 16 lotteries in the UK, 12 cash prices from Asia, a handful of US lottos, The Irish National Lottery, AND have been notified by various Saudi Arabian princes and other middle-eastern royalty of my selection as beneficiary for obscenely large sums of cash-ola. Then there’s the contest winnings that I am notified of via snail-mail. All in all, I think my total winnings must be somewhere around a KAZILLION BILLION TRAMILLION dollars.
Sooo…
The only question now is what to DO with all this dough. (Don’t you wish you had this problem? I’ll bet you wish you had this problem!)
Hmmm, let’s see.
First stop, let’s take care of the household. Aren’t I a good housewife? Oh I’m such a good housewife. 
- Hire full-time maid.
- Hire full-time cook.
- Hire full-time butler. Why? you ask… well, I don’t know exactly. Except I think it’d be fun to have a butler.
- I guess while I’m at it, I might want a bigger house. With a view. And maybe a pool. And we’ll definitely need a large and exotic garden. Let’s throw in some tennis courts too. And a movie theatre, of COURSE. Oh and a 10 car garage for all the cars I’m going to buy. Perfect. Oh wait, better hire another maid or two as well (you know, to keep up with all the square footage).
Hmm… did I mention we’re not in Seattle anymore?
On to self-betterment…
- Hire personal trainer
- Scratch that last one. Can’t I just BUY a new body? That sounds WAAAY easier.
- Fly to Paris to purchase replacement wardrobe
- New hair
Aaaahhhh, I’m feeling better already. Aren’t you?
Ok, now for the fun stuff. Where should we go on vacation? It’s so hard to decide. But wait, I don’t HAVE to decide. I can do ALL OF THEM!! Yippee look at me!
Let’s start with a camel ride to the Egyptian pyramids. Nice, very nice.
That’s one decorated camel! and just look how tanned my hand is!
On to some R&R in Bali (that camel riding is dusty business. Must cool off in a ridiculously luxurious spa hotel)
What are these fragrant blossoms floating in my tub ‘o bliss?
Ok, I’m all rested and relaxed and ready for some exploring! Off to Africa for a safari.
What? I still have money left?! Ok, now I’m feeling generous. Let’s give some to you, you, you, you, you, you, you and you. Ok, ok, and you, you and you. And you, you, you, you, you and you. Oh, you didn’t think I’d leave out you, you, you, you, you, you, you, and you, did ya? Alright just a bit more to you, you, you, you, you, you, you, and you.
Anybody else want some? Ok, here ya go…
(BIG SIGH)
It’s nice to be rich. Even if it’s only for pretend.***
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By Jennifer aka Binky Bitch on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Wait just a minute…I thought that I was the winner??!!
You’re not hinting that this some sort of scam are you?
Well, at least you’re sharing with me.
I wub you. And your money!
[Reply to this comment]
By kellypea on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
I am sooooooo getting this kind of junk email, too. It’s driving me nuts. Have you heard from the folks in Germany yet? Sheesh! I loved the creative way you handled it and wish I’d beat you to it because I’ve really been itching to write about it. And the porn spam on my site?….OMG. I can’t begin to tell you.
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By Mert on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Speaking of junk mail, you’ll be getting an email from me.;)
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By Jen M. on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
What is up with those people at the British Lottery?? I keep marking them as spam and they’re still trying to foist their money on me.
I like your plan, and your pictures!
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By Mama Zen on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Me, me, me!
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By shauna on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Wow. Now I’m feeling better about my inbox. Those emails are the result of my noble deeds. Sigh. I need to go fill my tub-o-bliss.
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By Brillig on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Oooooh! Yay! I’m so thrilled that you’re sharing with me! This is perfect timing. I can now realize my lifelong dream and open my foster home for potato bugs. YAY!!!
I couldn’t have done it without you. Thanks for the cash.
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By IngeniousRose on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Hi A.B, thanks so much for all the money, I’m suddenly worth an absolute fortune! I’m off to retire to an island in the sun and be waited on for eternity!
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By polliwog on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
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By Crunchy Carpets on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Between the lotteries and the saving small african countries from their banking problems..I am very very wealthy.
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By Tuesday Girl on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Funny I have won money at least 12 times this week as well.
See you at the country club!
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By Carla on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Wow. Thank you for sharing your good fortune with moi! I will for sure buy tan hands.
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By karrie on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
See you in Bali!
I think the iPhone works on private jets! Just beware of some guy from Ghana who may send a follow up requesting your kind attention and most urgent assistance.
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By Mert on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Oh gee, I hve won the British lottery several times… but they never actually send me the money. What’s up with that?
I would have to agree with you, buy the body… you have the money ;) But I think you might need to get a maid for your maids, just to be on the safe side.
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By Day Dreamer on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
You mean I can CASH IN those winnings in my email in box? COOL!
I’ll quit my stinkin’ job and run for the hills, spreading the wealth on the way…WOOHOO
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By Kimberly on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Wow…and that’s in pounds, too!
Remind me to be extra nice to you, you know, just in case.
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By Erika, Plain Jane Mom on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Excellent — just let me know where to wire your “fees” to!
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By Karen on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Man, you make the top 10 of dirty stories and you don’t even share the wealth with me? (sniff, sniff, sob)
Just kidding. I make my own billions and trillions in my own email box. Although it seems have a penchant for attracting the ousted prince of Serbia or someone like that!
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By Janine @ Moving Mama on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
I guess this means I don’t have to wire money to that guy in Ghana now, although it sounds like he really has a predicament he needs me to help him out with.. :)
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By moosh in indy. on Jul 19, 2007 | Reply
Hi, I’m sad. I’m the one in KAZILLION BILLION TRAMILLION dollars worth of law school debt and I wasn’t first on your list.
Good thing you’re bloody rich huh?
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By kara on Jul 20, 2007 | Reply
you are cracking me up!
You totally need a butler though to manage your kitchen and full time chef. :)
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By Queen Heather on Jul 20, 2007 | Reply
I totally buy the REAL Shake-Shake. And every hotel I traveled to would most definitely be a Hilton!
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By Jo Beaufoix on Jul 20, 2007 | Reply
ahh thanks for thinking of me too.
I’m going to buy a donkey.
I’ve always wanted a donkey.
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By summershine on Jul 20, 2007 | Reply
Thanks for sharing the dough. I think I’ll buy a new body too. Good-bye post pregnancy pooch and stretch marked thighs.
*sigh* if only. :)
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By Eve on Jul 20, 2007 | Reply
If you won money you’d really toss it out to us all here in cyber-space? Fantastic! I’m rooting for you then!
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By Jenn on Jul 21, 2007 | Reply
Oooh! Thank you! I’ve been eyeballin’ a brand-spanking new pick’em up truck. With a Hemi!
And I really am a relative of that guy in India who keeps trying to give you MY money. We’ve had discussions, but he keeps trying to give it to everyone else.
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By Stephanie on Jul 21, 2007 | Reply
Woo Hoo! I love me some Internet winning monies. Thanks for sharing. You rock :)
Oh, and your photo of you on the camel is so hilarious!
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By Smiling Mom on Jul 22, 2007 | Reply
aw shucks. I’m honored!
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