The secret to my success

I must have been born lucky. Or maybe it’s good karma from all my kind and noble deeds. Whatever the case, I have been winning hand over foot, lottery upon lottery, prize after prize.

You think I’m kidding? I am SO not kidding.

Every single day my inbox fills up with notifications of my winnings. For example, this is one of three that just came in today:

From: From Costa Office
Date: Jul 18, 2007 9:38 AM
Subject: claim your winning prize, ( http://www.costa.co.uk/ )
To: no@no.com

We are pleased to inform you of the announcements today of Winners of the MEGA JACKPOT LOTTO WINNING PROGRAMS. Your company or personal e-mail address, is attached to a Ticket number 644-701-836-872, with a serial number 64483-72 drew the Lucky Winning Numbers 06-14-17-28-30-41.

You have therefore been awarded the total lump sum pay out of
£420,000.00 credited to File Ref No: AKO=276.89/CP4

You must contact the claims department by e-mail;
E-mail:infodep24@yahoo.co.uk
Phone: +44 70318 42689
+44 70457 06411

Congratulations once again from all our staff for being a part of our
Promotions program.

Mrs. Deborah Allen Ruth

The society lotteries are managed by Costa Coffee International Limited, certified by the Gambling Commission ELM Certification 180/3/2.

Thanks Mrs. Deborah Allen Ruth, I can’t WAIT to receive my prize!

That’s just one example. This week alone I’ve won 16 lotteries in the UK, 12 cash prices from Asia, a handful of US lottos, The Irish National Lottery, AND have been notified by various Saudi Arabian princes and other middle-eastern royalty of my selection as beneficiary for obscenely large sums of cash-ola. Then there’s the contest winnings that I am notified of via snail-mail. All in all, I think my total winnings must be somewhere around a KAZILLION BILLION TRAMILLION dollars.

Sooo…

The only question now is what to DO with all this dough. (Don’t you wish you had this problem? I’ll bet you wish you had this problem!)

Hmmm, let’s see.

First stop, let’s take care of the household. Aren’t I a good housewife? Oh I’m such a good housewife.

• Hire full-time maid.
• Hire full-time cook.
• Hire full-time butler. Why? you ask… well, I don’t know exactly. Except I think it’d be fun to have a butler.
• I guess while I’m at it, I might want a bigger house. With a view. And maybe a pool. And we’ll definitely need a large and exotic garden. Let’s throw in some tennis courts too. And a movie theatre, of COURSE. Oh and a 10 car garage for all the cars I’m going to buy. Perfect. Oh wait, better hire another maid or two as well (you know, to keep up with all the square footage).


Hmm… did I mention we’re not in Seattle anymore?

On to self-betterment…

• Hire personal trainer
• Scratch that last one. Can’t I just BUY a new body? That sounds WAAAY easier.
• Fly to Paris to purchase replacement wardrobe
• New hair

Aaaahhhh, I’m feeling better already. Aren’t you?

Ok, now for the fun stuff. Where should we go on vacation? It’s so hard to decide. But wait, I don’t HAVE to decide. I can do ALL OF THEM!! Yippee look at me!

Let’s start with a camel ride to the Egyptian pyramids. Nice, very nice.

That’s one decorated camel! and just look how tanned my hand is!

On to some R&R in Bali (that camel riding is dusty business. Must cool off in a ridiculously luxurious spa hotel)

What are these fragrant blossoms floating in my tub ‘o bliss?

Ok, I’m all rested and relaxed and ready for some exploring! Off to Africa for a safari.

What? I still have money left?! Ok, now I’m feeling generous. Let’s give some to you, you, you, you, you, you, you and you. Ok, ok, and you, you and you. And you, you, you, you, you and you. Oh, you didn’t think I’d leave out you, you, you, you, you, you, you, and you, did ya? Alright just a bit more to you, you, you, you, you, you, you, and you.

Anybody else want some? Ok, here ya go…

(BIG SIGH)

It’s nice to be rich. Even if it’s only for pretend.***
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