Deep reflections on a wading pool
July 12, 2007 – 8:52 pmHaving spent the better half of this week sitting by the side of one wading pool or another, I’ve had the opportunity to observe us parents and our young in our natural environment and reflect.
I am convinced that if we parents would just CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND, pick up our books, and ignore the children (well, except the babies… I’d never advocate ignoring the babies!) the kids would get along famously and have a rip-roaring good time.
Oh sure, Tommy would still dump water on Mary’s head and make her cry. And I’m positive there’d still be fights over the coveted squirt gun. But you know what? I have a feeling that most of these conflicts would get worked out. Kids have a sort of moral code of their own, I’ve noticed, and when the grown-ups aren’t there to jump in and start barking orders, it’s amazing how well they can negotiate and compromise.
But alas, we parents LOVE to bark orders. We are quick to defend, get involved, reprimand, and comfort. We are parents after all… this is what we do.
And so our children engage in a weird sort of directed play, with parents as directors.
“Max! Give that bucket back to Melissa RIGHT NOW!”
“Henry… don’t run in the water, you might splash someone!”
“Terry, why don’t you just sit calmly and play with this piece of floating grass. Mommy doesn’t like you to play with squirt guns.”
“Ericka, DON’T TALK TO THOSE CHILDREN. Mommy doesn’t like them.”
Remember the days of playing outside for hours on end with no parental supervision? Oh I know those days are long past, especially for us city-dwellers, but I still feel we’ve swung too far the other way. We can be there without being so hyper involved.
But then, everybody’s doing it.
What do you think?
***
In other news…
It’s much cooler today, I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear. No more sweaty pictures of me to grace your computer screen. Lucky YOU!
Also, based on some of the comments, I’m beginning to suspect that some of you hold stock in Home Depot. Come on, fess up! Also I’m now waiting in breathless anticipation for my pal Brillig to play my games and send me pictures. You know you want to!
And… thank you to everyone who voted for me in the BCA. I know it’s kind of a pain, and I really really REALLY appreciate it!!
***
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By Annie on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Ha ha! Great post. I have had those same thoughts myself. I have to say that I’ve noticed mothers here are a lot more uptight about playground politics (of the kiddie variety) than any mother I’m used to seeing in Ireland.
I think sometimes moms here (and I am like this myself sometimes - how’s that for naturalization?), are so afraid that other moms will think they have no control over their kids, that they do not effect appropriate discipline and that we don’t teach our kids to ‘play nice’.
It comes back to the age old issue of moms judging other moms - so it seems to me at any rate.
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By Annie on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Thank you for your kind words on my guilt post today :)
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By andi on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Yay. Less work for me. I shall implement the ignoring plan post haste. Damnit, I have one of those baby things. Foiled again…
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By Mamma on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Ugh! I hate the over-invovled parents. When I first moved into my neighborhood one of the moms told me about her philosophy of staying out of the kids arguments. I’ve thought back to that many times–and totally agreed.
I mean I won’t be there the first time they negotiate with the old creepy guy outside of the 7-11 to buy them beer. What are they going to do then if they haven’t had any practice?
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By Amy on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Oh you would hate our neighbourhood. The kids in my subdivision don’t know how to look for cars on the road because the parents do it for them, yelling “CAR!” whenever one is coming. So they don’t look, they don’t move and they continue to play IN THE STREET. There is a huge school ground/park within sight, and they never go over there to play, ever.
I miss the 80’s.
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By Shauna on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
Amen! These are the parents who will be giving their kids wake-up calls when they are in college.
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By moosh in indy. on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
I’m all about wading pool warfare.
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By Mama Zen on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
I think Annie’s right. We’re afraid that other mothers will think tacky thoughts about us if we don’t keep our kids under control. Of course, they’ve got to run wild somewhere, don’t they?
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By shauna on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
This post is spot-on! I’ve been frustrated with my own urge to involve myself for the sake of all the adults present. How stupid! I agree that it’s important to let kids navigate some of these situations, parent-free.
I was so worried that my youngest wouldn’t do well in swimming lessons, especially since the pool requires parents to watch from a balcony above the pool (behind a plate-glass window). He does so well! Without my involvement. Without my supervision. The Idaho Fall’s aquatic center knows what it’s doing!
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By Karen on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
I am the poster child for under involved parent! ;) Just kidding. But I am definitely a mom who let’s them do a little conflict resolution on their own and I only step in if things get really ugly. I will not fix all of their mistakes and I let them live with their consequences. Otherwise, how do they learn?
The thing I need to work on is to stop answering for them….when someone asks them a question, I’m too quick to give the answer. But I’m getting better at that.
Great post! :)
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By nell on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
Oh, I am a big fan of ignoring children! Really, I think more parents should give it a try, as a tool in the parenting arsenal, it’s a lot less stressful than yelling all the time, which I also do plenty of.
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By Megan/ Velveteen Mind on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
I agree with Annie, too, as usual.
When I do micro-manage my kids in public, it is more out of defensive maneuvers against other parents than anything else. Which is just stupid. At home, I let them work it out themselves.
Which is fascinating, because they are not yet three and one year old.
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By Brillig on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
You think I’m kidding… I’m so gonna send you pics soon.
And yeah, I agree with you and all your commenters. I’m NOT a hovering mom, and I definitely feel like I’ve been judged by the other neighborhood moms for it. Still, I just don’t. You can hear me all day saying, “well, you two will have to work it out.” Or, “you guys will have to figure it out.” Still, I’m always nearby *just in case* but I try very hard not to hover. My own mother was the least hovering mom on the planet, and look how SPLENDIDLY I turned out. ;-)
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By Carla on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
How timely. With all four around for summer break I need to step back a bit. What a great reminder for me.
Thank you!
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By Janine @ Moving Mama on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
I am SO with you on this…Glad to run across your blog today. I was writing a very similar topic and laughed when I saw what you wrote…. It’s time to get some of those the hovering insanity!
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By Janine @ Moving Mama on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
oops…it cut off what I wrote…
It meant to say:
It’s time to get some of those helicopter parents out of the sky. Stop the hovering insanity!
eek - doesn’t look so witty the 2nd time around :)
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By Jennifer aka Binky Bitch on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
I agree, parents need to step back. I know personally, I am too worried about what Peanut might do that I watch him too much.
Glad it’s cooler.
And stock, what stock?!?
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By pixie on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
CAN you buy stock in Home Depot? I surely would buy some — between fixing up all our houses and my neighbor painting the city sidewalks, it must be worth MILLIONS!
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By mrsmogul on Jul 14, 2007 | Reply
I like the polaroid pics in the About Me section! When I was a kid I used to ride my bike until ten at night…by myself! There is a mom who lets both her kids bully in this playgroup. It sucks She sucks. In this situation I won’t go anymore. Anyway, I think I want to raise my kid to do what he wants, within reason of course. Deep reflecting….
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By Cate on Jul 14, 2007 | Reply
I’m startin to thing along the same lines…but it’s tough since my boys are still so young…I have a hard time giving up any of my control…yes…I have issues! ;-)
Glad to hear that you are no longer melting…
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By Slackermommy on Jul 14, 2007 | Reply
I’m to much of a slacker mom to be all up in my kids faces!
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By Queen Heather on Jul 14, 2007 | Reply
I admit, I’m a hover mama. To an extent. With Payton….well, i don’t know. Parker socializes pretty confidently with other kids and I only have to gently steer at times. But Payton….oh dear.
Hmmmm….this is making me think. Is it more of my labels and me creating a problem or does he have a problem. Off to go think!
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By Mert on Jul 14, 2007 | Reply
this is funny since I was just thinking this the other day. My girls fight over everything… a few days ago they were fighting over the little rocks in the sand box.
I got so fed up with the yelling and screaming so i let them go at it for a few minutes. I would have let them go longer but my ears were starting to bleed from the ear piercing screeches.
Also I have been intervening on the subject of sharing, but like you said after a few minutes my oldest worked it out and realized it wasn’t important enough to fight over and gave the toy back to her 2 yr old sister.
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By Lorelai on Jul 14, 2007 | Reply
Great post! I could easily go into a rant with this so I will try to keep it short.
As a child didn’t we all learn “how to get along” on the playground? Sure we had spats, fights, tiffs..whatever, but WE learned how to handle them and get past them. I think this alone is important social skill building. As adults can we really go running home to our Mommys when someone doesn’t play “fair or nice” at work?
Sure we need to teach our children how to respect others and play fair and nice — but in the end it does come down to learning some good old fashion social skills.
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By An Ordinary Mom on Jul 14, 2007 | Reply
If there is no blood and dangerous antics, then let the kids learn to work out solutions to their own problems :) !!
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By Seattle Mamacita on Jul 14, 2007 | Reply
so so true. i often try to bite my tongue but its hard when another mom just jumps right in. don’t you love the wading pools here in Seattle :)
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By Smiling Mom on Jul 15, 2007 | Reply
I passionately feel the same way! But I usually succumb to peer pressure when there are a ton of other moms around. Sigh…
I think we should institute a directed mommy play time.
Sally, put your coffee on the coaster. Donna, don’t talk about Nora that way… Kristen, stop being so obnoxious!!!
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By Alex Elliot on Jul 16, 2007 | Reply
I have to admit that when the dog and my older son fight over the same toy for a while, the toy goes into time out.
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By Jenn on Jul 16, 2007 | Reply
I am the parent who ignores the minor squabbles between my kid and others…I figure if no fists are seriously flying the disagreements are part of learning how to solve problems.
However, most other mothers aren’t too keen when I don’t intervene and I end up getting the stink eye from every mom at the playground/beach/pool. Or I get the mom who feels the need to step in and tell me that it was HER junior’s turn on the slide, not Unruly’s and could I PLEASE do something about her.
We don’t go to populated playgrounds very often any more. It’s not worth it to me. I just turn her loose on our property and forget about her for a couple of hours. It’s all good. She and the squirrels get along royally. Except when she steals their nuts, then they get a little testy.
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By The Daring One on Jul 16, 2007 | Reply
You’re brilliant. I feel the same way. (notice how I complimented you and me at the same time.) Most of the time I jump in because I think the other moms will freak out at the travesty that’s occurring at the hands of my sweet little one.
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By Pendullum on Jul 16, 2007 | Reply
My wading pool days are but a thing of the distant past…
I am now lucky iif my child can spare us a weekend…
She is nine…
The phone rings only for her…
And if there is a call for us it is a telemarketer…
So, now we have adult conversation, walks on the beach and wonder how quickly the time has gone by…
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By Pinks & Blues Girls on Jul 17, 2007 | Reply
Great post!!!
You seemd to nail 80% of the Moms at our pool club - where do you live again!? (wink wink)…
Please tell me Erika’s Mom didn’t really say that!! Unreal… some Moms need to be squirted themselves in the kiddie pool!!
Love your blog!!
- Audrey
Pinks & Blues Girls
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By Kristi on Jul 17, 2007 | Reply
Amen sistah.
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By karrie on Jul 17, 2007 | Reply
Heehee!
I’m tired of playgrounds and splash pools in general, but the problem here is that I get the evil eye for saying No to my son.
I would really prefer the run free method suggested here.
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By Mrs. Flinger on Jul 18, 2007 | Reply
YES!! Thank God, because I totally feel the same way. But if everyone’s telling their kids to back off, I need to, too, right? Or else I’m just the bad one who’s kid beats the crap out of your kid.
And, hi! I’m new to Seattle last October and love finding more Seattle moms. Nice to “meet” you. :-)
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