The Man

It’s hard to think of circumstances that are more humiliating than being in a restaurant with a toddler when he decides to misbehave. OK, maybe an airplane is worse. But still a restaurant can be pretty bad…

This post reminded me of a little nefarious tactic that my husband and I used to employ… to great success… when our dinners out started to go desperately awry.

It would begin with a gentle head banging against the table, or perhaps piercing screams, or CJ’s favorite, throwing objects (preferably sharp) across the room.

“CJ!” one of us would cry out in horror, “STOP!”

Enter evil twin of our usually very sweet boy. His eyes sparkle, his nose wrinkles, and his lips curl up in a malicious grin. And then he takes the bad behavior up a notch.

My moment of brilliance happened at California Pizza Kitchen, where we were sitting in a booth that was just next to the bar where you can see the pizzas being made, and where everyone can see YOU. CJ kicked off what was sure to be a rip-roaring evening of catastrophic levels by throwing his crayons, one by one, across the room (the red one narrowly missing an elderly woman’s ear).

“CJ!” I leaned in and tried to be intimidating, “You’d better stop that RIGHT NOW or The Man will come over here and yell at you.”

CJ stopped as if frozen, green-crayon poised for a throw in mid-air. Slowly he turned to look at me, eyes glued to mine. “The MAN?” he asked. And then, “Where? Where is the man, mommy?”

Our CJ is never one to be easily fooled.

I looked around desperately and, as if by fate, a huge, muscled, and rather stern looking waiter passed by. “HIM!” I whispered.

CJ sat very still, was highly civil, ate all his dinner, and demonstrated perfect manners and self-control that night. Every time the waiter walked by, CJ watched him through narrowed eyes.

And, I’m embarrassed to admit, The Man became a recurring theme for our dinners out, enabling us to enjoy a slight solace amidst the frenzy of toddler and full time work.

It turned into something fun, something that we all could enjoy, with CJ trying to figure out who The Man was this time. It doesn’t work any more (although CJ finds it highly amusing when we bring up The Man), and fortunately CJ has grown up enough that he maintains his poise in public (mostly).

Oh, and if you’re judging me, you’d better be careful. One wrong move and The Man will yell at YOU!

What’s that you say? You want to know WHO the man is? Alright, I’ll show you… THIS is him:

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

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