Squirrel Violence on the Rise
June 14, 2007 – 2:55 pmAHA! I no longer feel the same intensity of remorse for what happened on Saturday after reading this article in the Seattle P-I newspaper today.
BERLIN — An unusually aggressive squirrel attacked three people in a German town before its last victim finished it off with a crutch, police said Wednesday.
The rodent jumped through a living-room window in Passau, on the Austrian border, on Tuesday and bit its first victim. With the squirrel hanging on by its teeth, the woman ran out into the street, where she managed to shake the animal off.
The squirrel then bit a builder before fleeing into a nearby garden, where it bit a 72-year-old man who eventually killed it with his crutch, police said.
Maybe squirrels aren’t so cute and friendly after all. Maybe there’s an underground movement of violence and hate in the squirrel community. Maybe some squirrels are actually… (dare I say it)… NUTS. Ooh, yeah, that was bad.
Oh, and how’s this for a strange coincidence… the very DAY AFTER the running-over-the-squirrel incident I opened the door at 6am for my morning run and what do you know?! THERE WAS A SQUIRREL ON MY FRONT PORCH!! He ran off when he saw me, but I could see a diabolical glint in his eye that indicated he was up to no good. Was he an angry relative? A hit-squirrel? Did I manage to kill a squirrel with mob connections?!
I can see it now… the front page of the Seattle Times;
Woman killed by enraged squirrel.
(Seattle) It’s a somber day in Seattle as crowds mourn the passing of a local woman who was brutally killed when a ferocious squirrel viciously attacked her as she walked outside to her car. The woman, whose identity has not been released, fought bravely but was unable to escape the enraged squirrel. Reports indicate that the squirrel had been lying in wait for the woman, and two neighbors claim to have seen the squirrel scoping out the woman’s house the week prior.Police are investigating, but one source indicated that they believe this case to be one of cold-blooded revenge for a week-old accident in which the victim’s car ran over the perpetrator’s brother-in-law. The perpetrator is a member of the notorious rodent gang, FuZ, which is known for its violence and terror-inducing tactics. City officials are concerned that this incident could inflame an already tense situation between squirrels and people. In attempts to avoid further violence, they have stated that they will be substantially increasing the quantity of “squirrel crossing” signs around the city.
But already protest groups are rallying for the release of the jailed squirrel chanting, “Road kill is murder!” “Let the little nut-cracker free!” and “Squirrels are people too!”
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This post has been entered in the “This blog blows my dress up” contest at This Eclectic Life.
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Mother. Coffee drinker. Information seeker. Skeptic. Creative. Dreamer. Schemer. Absolutely Bananas.
By www.nolanotes.com on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
Love this post. Hate squirrels–rats with tails; that’s all they are. Keep a look out for that one at your door today!
By reevesfarm on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
Too Funny!
By toddler on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
I have been reading your blog for a little while now (funnily enough just before the squirrel “incident”) and I just have to say, this post was too funny!! Have you seen the car insurance commercial where the squirrels make the car crash…….your post reminded me of that………..watch your back LOL
By Annie on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
I hate the darn things! That photo is just evil, too!
By Brillig on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
HAHAHAHAHA. Holy crap, that’s good stuff. Evil little squirrel…
By mayberry on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
Once a squirrel hurtled out of a trash can and onto my then-boyfriend’s leg. He SHRIEKED and jumped in the air, doing a 360 in an effort to getthatthingoffme. It was hilarious at the time… but now I’m not so sure!
Thanks for stopping by my blog!
By This Eclectic Life on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
Funny! I like squirrels, but I am aware that they are just rodents. A “hit squirrel.” Good! I’ll enter this in the contest now. Thanks!
By Lene on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
hehe scary squirrel! I like your version!
I haven’t seen a squirrel in so long! We don’t have them here. I have to share this…it is too cute not to.
Last summer, we were in Chicago and I was outside with DS1. We saw a squirrel climbing up a tree, and Evan pointed him out to me and said, “Look Mom, it’s an iguana!”
Yep, he proved it. We’ve lived here too long. The poor guy doesn’t even recognize a squirrel when he sees one. I guess the Cuban equivalent to a squirrel is an iguana.
By The Daring One on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
I’m not so sure I want to go to the zoo with you anytime soon. Hmmm…
By Jennifer Playgroupie on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
Well that definitely blows up my skirt!
Very funny, Jenny!
By Queen Heather on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
You gotta watch for the nuts out there.
Very funny!
By sam on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
OMG I’m dying!!!! that’s so friggin’ funny!!! Hhahahahaha!
By Karly on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
That was HILARIOUS!
By Cate on Jun 14, 2007 | Reply
Those squirrels…they think they deserve special treatment because…what…they’re furry and cute? We can’t give in to their every demand…there are enough squirrel crossing signs as it is. Besides, if they watched where they were going and looked both ways before crossing the street, they wouldn’t be having this problem!
By Shauna on Jun 15, 2007 | Reply
Hilarious!
By Nocturnal on Jun 15, 2007 | Reply
I think that squirrel definitely had a bad hair day, every one I’ve come across were been Gentle Bens.
Cheers
By Mama Zen on Jun 15, 2007 | Reply
This is funny, funny, funny!
By Mona on Jun 15, 2007 | Reply
I went to UW and every year they would collectively nominate “The Squirrels” as candidates for student government.
By LikeAstaR on Jun 15, 2007 | Reply
Hillarious! I am totally sk*rting this story!
By Cori@SAHMbles on Jun 15, 2007 | Reply
Hey, I’ve been to Seattle and the squirels there are huge!
We actually had an aggressive squirel in our backyard, I used to keep a big stick and the cat on the deck when were outside.
Great post!
By KaySeaIsle1961 on Sep 29, 2007 | Reply
That’s a pretty funny story!
What was the german squirrel thinking, maybe “Ich bite ein Berliner,no wait an Austrain will taste better!”
Your other squirrel however showed up on our island in south puget sound the other day and since it had missed the ferry he was attempting to climb the powerlines, big mistake, he got as far as the transformer and blew himself up leaving everyone in the dark that night without power(true story). And that was the end of the hit squirrel!