Squirrel Violence on the Rise

AHA! I no longer feel the same intensity of remorse for what happened on Saturday after reading this article in the Seattle P-I newspaper today.

BERLIN — An unusually aggressive squirrel attacked three people in a German town before its last victim finished it off with a crutch, police said Wednesday.

The rodent jumped through a living-room window in Passau, on the Austrian border, on Tuesday and bit its first victim. With the squirrel hanging on by its teeth, the woman ran out into the street, where she managed to shake the animal off.

The squirrel then bit a builder before fleeing into a nearby garden, where it bit a 72-year-old man who eventually killed it with his crutch, police said.

Maybe squirrels aren’t so cute and friendly after all. Maybe there’s an underground movement of violence and hate in the squirrel community. Maybe some squirrels are actually… (dare I say it)… NUTS. Ooh, yeah, that was bad.

Oh, and how’s this for a strange coincidence… the very DAY AFTER the running-over-the-squirrel incident I opened the door at 6am for my morning run and what do you know?! THERE WAS A SQUIRREL ON MY FRONT PORCH!! He ran off when he saw me, but I could see a diabolical glint in his eye that indicated he was up to no good. Was he an angry relative? A hit-squirrel? Did I manage to kill a squirrel with mob connections?!

I can see it now… the front page of the Seattle Times;

Woman killed by enraged squirrel.
(Seattle) It’s a somber day in Seattle as crowds mourn the passing of a local woman who was brutally killed when a ferocious squirrel viciously attacked her as she walked outside to her car. The woman, whose identity has not been released, fought bravely but was unable to escape the enraged squirrel. Reports indicate that the squirrel had been lying in wait for the woman, and two neighbors claim to have seen the squirrel scoping out the woman’s house the week prior.

Police are investigating, but one source indicated that they believe this case to be one of cold-blooded revenge for a week-old accident in which the victim’s car ran over the perpetrator’s brother-in-law. The perpetrator is a member of the notorious rodent gang, FuZ, which is known for its violence and terror-inducing tactics. City officials are concerned that this incident could inflame an already tense situation between squirrels and people. In attempts to avoid further violence, they have stated that they will be substantially increasing the quantity of “squirrel crossing” signs around the city.

But already protest groups are rallying for the release of the jailed squirrel chanting, “Road kill is murder!” “Let the little nut-cracker free!” and “Squirrels are people too!”

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