There are moments in life when I feel entirely unequipped to deal with this parenting thing.
Like the other week, when CJ and I were at the zoo and we passed a group of severely handicapped people. What do you tell a four-year old about handicapped people? How do you explain this part of life? What do you tell them about how to act… what to say, what not to say, how to be…?
Children are so honest. CJ stares. His eyes widen. I feel the questions coming, and I cringe and pull his arm to hurry him along. I don’t know how to answer him and I don’t want to cause embarrassment or distress. So I try to avoid the situation.
I suppose the root of the problem is that I don’t know how to act. Is it better to look? Or to avert my eyes? To act like nothing is wrong? Or to try to help? My first instinct is to look away, to avoid eye contact. But then, at the last minute I want to smile, to say hello, to pretend like they are just like me. But they’re not… and the minute their eyes meet mine I am petrified that they’ll see my thoughts reflected there.
I want to pull aside the young woman pushing the wheelchair, Tell me what to say. Tell me how to be.
CJ’s questions buzz through my brain long after he has forgotten them.
Why is that man crying, mom? Why is that lady sticking her tongue out? His face looks funny, mom. Is she mad? Why is that boy in a wheelchair?
Like mosquitoes, my inability to find the answers causes tiny pricks in my soul, leaving bumps that swell and itch. I visit them again and again, scratching, prodding, but cannot soothe the inflammation.
I don’t know the answers.
How are you supposed to teach your child, to help them grow into the kind of person that you want to share the world with; how do you instill in them the right values, the knowledge to go through life with courage, honesty and kindness, when there’s so much that YOU haven’t figured out for yourself?
Where do you find the answers?
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xo Jen
June 25, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Scary as it might be, I usually use the truth. “That man doesn’t have any hair.” was answered with, “yes, some people don’t have any hair on their head.”
Better the truth now than to be found a liar later.
June 25, 2007 at 4:15 pm
I think you answered your own question. They are not just like me. Then again, I’m not like you, and we are like no one else.
Everyone is unique, some people just “flaunt” it a little bit more.
I also think it is good that children notice – it means they are paying attention to the people around them. By the time we grow up, it is easier just to ignore them.
June 25, 2007 at 4:19 pm
Beautiful post, Jenny. I’m plagued by similar questions all the time.
June 25, 2007 at 5:07 pm
It IS good that CJ notices these people and their differences. Sometimes I wish Sweet Boy would show a greater awareness of this kind of thing. Not that I would know what to say, but I feel like these are conversations we should be having.
June 25, 2007 at 5:08 pm
I feel the same way, and think about this a lot. The hardest things to teach our children are the things that we don’t really understand – like why I feel uncomfortable against my will in a situation similar to the one you found yourself in the other day. I don’t want to feel uncomfortable and not know what to do with my eyes, but I do.
June 25, 2007 at 5:12 pm
As someone who tends to get stared at….a lot (what…you’ve never seen a bald woman before?), I am expecting kids to gawk a little. I’ve actually had children follow me down the aisles of stores because they couldn’t stop looking. It’s actually pretty funny, and it doesn’t bother me at all.
Now, adults are a different story. It makes me uncomfortable when it’s obvious someone is avoiding looking at me. At the other end of the spectrum, I don’t like it when I’m openly started at either. But if someone looks at me and smiles if we make eye contact…that’s good.
But…I can’t really identify with someone in a wheelchair. Being bald is hardly as difficult to deal with….so I can’t really give my opinion there.
June 25, 2007 at 5:18 pm
I second Peter. I’m too tired to make shit up anymore. I used to try to speak to their level, or make up cute “age appropriate answers” (That’s a bank-asaurus sucking up Mama’s deposit into the bank). Now, I just answer. Or say I don’t know. Which happens a lot. Thank God for Google.
June 25, 2007 at 5:45 pm
I’ve had the exact same experience…very unsettling. =(
June 25, 2007 at 7:21 pm
I agree with Canape.
With my 6 year old we do talk about stuff like this.
I worked with children with Special Needs who we often bump into in town and she does ask about them.
I just tell E that we’re all different, and that that makes us all very special. She agrees that it would be boring if we were all the same.
When I was younger, about 8, a blind boy approached me in a supermarket He held my arms and was talking to me.
His parents were encouraging me to answer and to be honest I was just terrified and wanted to get away.
I felt so sad and guilty that he was like this,(blooming catholcism), but I didn’t know what to say to him.
It’s an awful feeling.
I think it’s good for our kids to know we don’t know everything and are still learning.
And it’s ok not to know what to do.
If in doubt a smile and a quick hello seem a good option to me.
June 25, 2007 at 8:17 pm
I have to say that being a first grade teacher really taught me a ton about kids and what they can handle before becoming a parent. The truth to an extent is always best and if you explain to them that some people look different or act different on the outside however they are just like you on the inside. We would always talk about how they would want people to treat them if they couldn’t talk or walk. Would they want people to run in the other direction, think that if they shook that person’s hand they would get their disability or have that person stop and say hi or play with them? Usually they were very understanding and most of my special needs students were the most loved in class. I always seemed to have that one student who would tease but the other kids really stuck up for the special needs students. Kids are like sponges and they will learn how to act based on what they absorb from their role models.
June 25, 2007 at 8:20 pm
I wrote about this very topic on the Disability Studies blog last fall, see “Talking to Preschoolers about Disability”:
http://disstud.blogspot.com/2006/09/for-parents-talking-to-preschoolers_26.html
The same approach works with older kids, but you can maybe elaborate more with some older kids who show real interest.
June 25, 2007 at 8:32 pm
We’ve always just told the kids that God makes everyone unique. And for some reason God made these people how He did. But one thing is constant, NO person likes to be stared at, pointed at or made fun of….whether they are in a wheelchair, are bald, or look different. Heck quote/unquote “normal” people don’t like those things! We also try to make note of things the family is doing for that person “that mom is doing what every mom does for her baby—she’s feeding him.” Ok, ok, it’s tube feeding, but the bottom line is, she loves that baby/child/young adult whatever and will do whatever it takes. I’m thinking/hoping it’ll show them that even “imperfect” people (which we all are) are worthy of love and respect and dignity.
June 25, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Very timely, sort of, for me. This weekend we met a guy with a fake eye who pops it out and in for the amusement of children. He lost his real eye in a fishing accident. YIKES! He’s very jolly about the whole thing though.
Anyway, my 4 1/2 year old had a lot of questions about that. I told him what happened and we talked about how cool it was that he could have a fake eyeball. I use some of the techniques shared here with other disabilities too. Some people are just different, but isn’t it cool that they can (fill in the blank)? And isn’t it so neat that everyone has their own thing going on? So far so good with this explanation.
June 25, 2007 at 9:29 pm
Glad you posted on this. I think we all wonder not only what to say, but also how much to say.
Usually, I just try to keep my explanations brief, simple and matter-of-fact.
(And then hope there are no follow-up questions that I can’t answer.)
June 25, 2007 at 10:21 pm
My favorite aunt growing up was a quad so I never went through a curiosity phase about handicapped people. But I now have a phase of discomfort around them. Bennie at http://www.benandbenniewaddell.blogspot.com has an exceptional son, he talks a lot on his blog about how to approach the situation and does so eloquently. I’d ask him (I have! but I’m still to chicken to try out what he told me to do.)
There was a severely handicapped boy at Disneyland when we went and Mary Poppins went over, smiled at him, touched his cheek and kissed his forehead-it was sweet. I’d hope I could someday be that comfortable with it.
June 25, 2007 at 10:58 pm
My little guy has been going to physical and occupational therapy since he was about 3. The waiting room has always been full of kids with various disabilaties. In a way I feel lucky that he was exposed to so many different kids like that because now if he sees someone using a wheelchair or a walker or whatever he doesn’t even blink. He honestly doesn’t seem to notice if someone is differently abled. I’m hopeful that my daughter (although only 20 months old now) will also get used to being around people different than her just by being around them all the time in the waiting room.
So, I guess my advice is to put you kid in therapy for 3 years.
June 25, 2007 at 11:14 pm
“Like the other week, when CJ and I were at the zoo and we passed a group of severely handicapped people. What do you tell a four-year old about handicapped people?”
My daughter once laughed at a “little person.” She of course wasn’t laughing at him because he was little but because I said something funny. He didn’t know that and from the look on his face it appeared he thought she was laughing at him. I felt terrible.
June 26, 2007 at 1:44 am
We’ve always just told the kids the truth. We explain exactly what type of handicap they have and the possibilities of why.
If he begins to ask question while we are around the person they are curious about I simply say, ‘YA know what..that’s a great question and we’ll talk about it later okay?’
Then I make sure to bring it up when we are back in the car where I have their attention and also discuss their feelings.
I have found this has created a wonderful sense of empathy and caring in both Liberty and Alex. Neither one of them would think twice about helping or playing with someone their friends may label ‘different’.
And THAT makes me very proud :-D
June 26, 2007 at 4:12 am
I love the honesty of your posts. And this is one that I think most can relate to. What I love is that young kids are not humored or horrified or unsettled by people who are disabled, just curious. There’s something innocent and touching about that. It’s just those loud, public announcements they make that can be so distressing.
June 26, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Really, who knew this parent gig would have so many challenges.
Parker saw someone in wal mart who had something wrong with their legs so they walked different. He laughed because he thought they were just being silly. So I explained it to him on a level he could understand.
But it’s never easy..explaining differences without making one seem better or less than the other.
June 27, 2007 at 5:40 am
There are a bunch of things I don’t know the answer to and I wonder if I ever will. Is there a moment when you look back and say you finally know all the answers?
In that situation, I would say that they’re people just like you and little buddy so you should smile at them the way you would at anyone else you were passing and try not to seem uncomfortable.