Mommy UNIVERSE

I think we need a new kind of beauty pageant. Forget the bathing suit competition, the evening gowns, the insipid blathering on about world peace. This would be a NEW competition for the NEW millennium. Sayonara Miss USA, say hello to Mommy Universe!

First we have the basic competitions where we discover who looks best with no makeup and little sleep. Which moves directly into the Gapmom event where we find out which mom looks best in khakis and a black tee. Hey you! No sweats allowed! Don’t you know this is a beauty pageant?

Next up is the talent component of the show, where we have Brillig demonstrating her incredible ability to juggle 4 children under the age of 5 while typing mind-blowing posts; Poli drawing oohs and ahs with her method for spreading joy via her children, Shauna showing off her kung-fu magic on the latest breast milk bandit, and Subarctic mama blowing minds with her talent, “taking kids on plane.”

Finally the interview section (my personal favorite). “What is your dream?” our host asks each contestant.

“Sleep. Just sleep.” announces yours-truly.

“A dry day.” Shaz mumbles, holding a dripping pair of underwear (ewww).

“To slip away to the Island of Shake-shake for a whole weekend,” sighs Heather dreamily (sounds like she’s already there)

“Stop global warming… on Mars.” shouts Daring Young Mom (always unique, that one!)

“Peace and quiet.” says Annie.

And that’s the closest that we get to “World peace.” You see, these ladies are more realistic than the skinny look-alikes that you typically find doing the elbow-elbow-wrist-wrist wave in their sparkling crowns and shimmering dresses. Mommy Universe understands that if you want world peace, you have to start at home. SO BE QUIET AND LET MOMMY DRINK HER COFFEE WOULD YA?

“If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” - a very wise person

But wait! Who’s that sneaking up on stage in a bikini? Sorry, sir, this contest is for MOMS only!

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