Absolutely Bananas: Seattle mom blog

Busing it

So it’s been four months since my last post. I wish I could say I’d been off doing something thrilling and dramatic like skydiving or winning the lottery or stealing cars. But the simple truth is that I’ve mainly been sitting on buses.

“Your facebook updates make me laugh,” my sister says to me the other day, “You’re always complaining about the bus.”

“No I’m not!” I yell, feeling rather indignate. What about my witty… witticisms! Doesn’t she remember those? And my thoughtful political statements! What about all those compelling links and interesting articles that I posted? Not to mention the amazing pictures. Hmph.

I check my facebook page in order to prove that she is wrong and I am right.

But then, a funny thing happens. There’s not as many witty witticisms, interesting articles and awesome pictures as I remembered. What there IS is a whole lot of posts about buses.

So yeah, that’s pretty much what I’ve been up to for the past four months. Sitting on buses, standing on buses, and complaining on Facebook about sitting  and/or standing on buses. Gripping.

And just in case you scrolled through all of those facebook posts…

bus bus blah blah blah bus CRY ME A FREAKING RIVER…

let’s see THIS ONE again.

The only question is… WHY post interesting articles or political statements when you have things like THAT to complain about? I mean seriously.

Our dog has hypnotic powers

A lot of people don’t know this, but our dog Bella has hypnotic powers.

You’ll be sitting at the dinner table, eating a piece of pizza, when you feel these strange… impulses.

Admit it, if you HAD a piece of pizza, you totally would have dropped it.

Doppleganger schmoppleganger

It’s DOPPLEGANGER week on facebook. And if you don’t know what I mean by that, clearly you need to get a life.

Doppleganger week is where people on Facebook replace their profile picture with a picture of the celebrity they look like.

Like this,

or this,

or even, this,

Right away I notice a disturbing trend. All my attractive friends are posting profile pictures of these super-duper hot models and celebrities. And I find myself thinking, “you know, she kind of DOES look like Christie Brinkley.” And then I read the comments where everyone says, “You TOTALLY look like Christie Brinkley” and I start feeling like I want to throw up.

The thing is, I’ve never been told I look like a celebrity.

Probably because I don’t. And that wasn’t even one of my ISSUES until this blasted doppleganger week had to hit Facebook like a tsunamai and give me ONE MORE THING to feel inferior about.

But then I remember this fancy little widget-wadget-whatchamacallit that I played with a couple years back where you could upload your picture and it would tell you which celebrities you look like.

I decide to give it a try, secretly hoping that it will come up with Jennifer Aniston or if I’m lucky, Angelina Jolie.

I upload my picture, like so:

And I wait for the MAGIC.

It spins…

And spins…

and THEN!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE THIS GUY?

Alexander Lukashenko

the President of Belarus?

AND IS THAT EVEN A REAL PLACE?!

I’m sorry, but I refuse to see the resemblance.

40 things worse than turning 40

Next week Jay turns the big four-oh. He’s dreading it, but I keep telling him THERE ARE WORSE THINGS!

Like, for example…

1. Being eaten by wolves

2. Getting your leg caught in a meat grinder

3. Poking your eye out

4. Running over a baby bunny or duckling

5. Finding a finger in your soup

6. Irritable Bowel Syndrome

7. Losing the winning lottery ticket

8. Mullets

9. Being chewed up by hamsters, rats or cats

10. Bed bugs

11. Falling down the stairs

12. Stepping on a rusty nail

13. Kevin Costner with webbed feet

14. Lice and scurvy. And all that other stuff they used to get on boats.

15. Drinking lumpy milk

16. Taking the red pill.

17. Getting eaten by a shark.

18. Teenage girls

19. Filet-of-Fish sandwiches

20. The stuff Mike Rowe does

21. Having gas on an airplane

22. The Real Housewives of Orange County

23. Comb-overs

24. Trying to figure out how to sync your iPhone to a new computer without losing all your music

25. Taking your baby to get his shots

26. A root canal

27. Anything by Paris Hilton

28. A runny nose when you don’t have a kleenex

29. Catching your hair on fire

30. Windows XP

31. Paying taxes

32. Accidentally brushing your teeth with hemorrhoid cream

33. the 80’s… back in style

34. Having the pilot of your airplane pass out from bad fish and all the other people  pass out too and you have to fly the airplane but you don’t know how

35. Mean aliens that come to Earth to exterminate human life

36. Throwing up in your mouth

37. Dropping a baby

38. Stepping on dog poop. In the middle of the night. With bare feet.

39. Lower back pain.

40. Falling down and you CAN’T GET UP!

See? Don’t you feel better now?

Pain

Saturday morning I woke up to blaring back pain.

Back pain so intense that I literally wept as I pried myself out of bed.

One leg over the side. OUCH! Then the other leg. OUCH! Pull myself up to sitting. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Ever-so-slowly I ease to standing. OUCHIEMCFREAKINGMOTHERBLASTER!

And so my weekend goes right down the toilet. Instead of Nordstrom and Starbucks it’s Heating Pad and Advil. On my Big Fat List of To-Do’s I got zero done.

Now, not to get all husband-bashing here, but the fact is that whenever I have a crisis of health- like for example I get swine flu or Lyme disease or strange and suspicious lumps- I never really feel that Jay is quite supportive enough.

It just seems like he has this air of skepticism about him. Here I am, MOANING and WRITHING in agony, and he’s looking at me rather like he thinks I’m making it all up. Or being OVERLY DRAMATIC.

And you and I both know that I am NEVER overly dramatic.

Ok so maybe TECHNICALLY I don’t have to yell “OUCH” every time it hurts. Which is frequently. Which means I’m yelling OUCH a lot. But I guess deep down I feel that if I’m suffering, the ones I love should suffer with me. I’m pretty sure that was somewhere in the marriage vows.

And as I’m writing this my husband who I was just complaining about comes down and takes my boots off for me because he knows I can’t bend over without bringing down the roof with my screams of pain.

(ouch)